Roll Call Four

My boyfriend has been getting the evil eye from his own Mother... But now I feel stupid saying it because it seems to be the "delusion" everyone has been having lately. I discovered it on the 3rd. I was wondering why he was having such **** luck, trouble sleeping, & why I had always had such a bad feeling about her even though she's generally sweet.
It hit me to try a quick experiment. I meditated for a quick second & said something along the lines of "If his Mother is to blame for his bad luck, please let something good happen in the next five minutes". The second I opened my eyes, the bus came though it had been delayed for two hours & almost made him late for work!
Thus my post the other day about being scared about spiritual thoughts coming back? I'm still not sure what to make of this. I've always been spiritual... Weird, uncanny coincidences always seem to happen around me to the point where those around me DO notice. And they point it out. I regularly have dreams that later occur in real life. Even though they're usually inconsequential -- it does happen.
So, anyway. I still feel really confused & conflicted... But at the same time? If she really is harboring an unhealthy amount of bitterness/envy, maybe I wasn't being delusional about her at all? I just got a gut feeling & could have misinterpreted it. I wish I knew what to think about this.

OMG. Shay. Wow. You sound identical to me, even though I have never ever flippin met you lol. Are we witches? What is going on? It's too strange to be coincidence? Are all paranoid schizophrenics witches or warlocks or prophets?

What the heck is going on? Could we possibly have imagined this? It doesn't seem likely. I get confused, but at least you have assured me it happens to you too. Wow. I am glad to know yall. Yall help me to learn about who I am too. I didn't know who I was. But I'm learning. Yall are good teachers, and I love yall.

Since the psychosis started a little over a year ago, I try really really hard to escape spiritual thought. It gives me a lot of stress & uncertainty. But it weirds me out that my little experiment confirmed that... Personally, I'm not sure what even convinced me to do that. I suppose I felt at a total loss. It's just difficult to know whether the bus would have come at the same time regardless, but that was just so quick. So strange.

I wouldn't call myself a prophet. Used to fashion myself for a witch, but that's a little foggy as of late. Just a strange person in which strange things seem to happen to! I'm glad you're being helped by hanging out in the forums... Sometimes it raises more questions than answers here, but it's been a nice stay.

I was thinking that your son would have an easier time getting a handle on whatever happened, if you and he were to call it "changed his mind" instead of "lost his nerve". It would probably also give his less-than-supportive friends less of an opening for mischief.

I am really spiritually aware, pretty constantly. I did not know that that was a "feature"of schizophrenia. I am feeling kinda ignorant at this point lol. I have never wanted other people to say that I am defective in some way. So I think what I have done is called "denial". I have denied that I am schizophrenic? Is that true?

I just don't want people to treat me bad because of this I guess. I just feel that I absolutely cannot accept this. I don't hear voices, I've only heard two voices in my whole life. They said like trumpets, "You will be a Country Western Singer" and the other one said later "You Know Who I Am". I thought that God was telling me something important. I don't really know that much country western music but I wrote a country song about a month ago to make myself "available" to the Lord in case it really was Him.

I love God, because God is love. So, I love love and I hate hate. Is this what people call schizophrenia? If so, I might just be a redneck schizophrenic. What ever I turn out to be, I am glad that there are other people where ever I am. That makes sense to me. That''s all I ever wanted, sense. I try lol. <3

That's a good idea. I actually can't remember the exact phrase he used when he told the story. "Lost his nerve" is my phrase.

hugs for everyone who needs them

I saw my Uni pdoc yesterday. I was very nervous, but it went ok. I said everything I needed to say (with the help of my notes) and I feel like he listened to me. He's decided to raise my aripiprazole/Abilify to help 'shift' some of the guilt I've been feeling of late. I hope it works, though the part of me that wants to punish myself thinks that I don't deserve it to go...IDK It's a daily battle to take my meds but I don't want to screw up Uni. Anyway I'm hoping I don't have any horrible side effects so *fingers crossed*

My housemate is going away for just over a week so I'll be home alone too. Hopefully I'll try to meet up with some friends so I don't get too lonely. Plus I'll have the dog and cat to keep me company.

*Willow*

I am being realistic. I hate being realistic but at the same time I love it. Negativism is my way of the game but everyone hates it. I say how it is. What it is. The connections are everywhere. Am I alive? Am I dead. I had a lucid dream last night. This week is hell. Hell awaits us. This is when my brother's student loans are due. My brother might have to declare bankruptcy. He has nothing. Got denied everything. When parents die, will end up homeless. Realism. If it falls to us, we will become bankrupt, dad will lose his job or imminently retire with nothing, and end up either homeless or in a one room apartment. Was "happy" temporarily but I bet the person will never write back I have heard this many many times that something was going to save me but its all fake like wrestling. I am being realistic by crying like a realist. I see the reality surrounding me. The Darkness of Hell from below. IF in the small chance they accept me in their store, I will either get kicked out or the store will shut down like all before it as my cursed art and body sucks. Realism. Laser eyes of the Devil... me. I am a dark force. I bring evil around the world but I wish I bring the Light. I heard angels a few days ago. They wanted me to go with them whatever that means. it was a heavenly voice. This morning I heard yelling and it woke me up jumped out of bed and ran outside my bedroom and nothing actually went on. There are not just one student loan that is due this month it turns out. It is all of them totaling $1000 a month. My parents or my brother can't do that. If my parents are forced to pay it we will live in impecunious abject poverty. Car payments. We will lose everything as I repeat the same limited thing over and over again because of limited mindedness. My brain is shrinking if I have one in the first place. That is all for now.

I need help with a couple of numbers. I've always been bad at math but more so when I'm in the throes of psychosis so I don't particularly trust my numbers overall when doing finances. I would like to know what is 14% and 3% of 900?

Thanks for your help.

Wow. Yall know how I have avoided doctors and medication all this time? Well. My oldest son Jeremiah goes to a special school on a special bus. He has very special teachers because they have said that he is on an autism spectrum. Now, someone has brought it to my attention that I could have very well been misdiagnosed while I was under observation when I was younger.

They said that perhaps I actually have something called Asperger's syndrome. This seems to make sense to me with all of my history. They said that this is very often missed in females because we like fairy's and witches and fairytales etc. and we tend to copy others in social situations as well. Hmmmm. I wonder if yall know anything about this stuff? I wonder if this could be true. Perhaps.

14% of 900 is 126 and 3% of 900 is 27

Lightbulb 7, I know a lot about autism spectrum disorders since I have been diagnosed as high functioning autism. My brother also has been diagnosed. My dad hasn't been officially diagnosed but its clear. What kind of symptoms do you and your son have? Any social skills problems? Communication skills? "special interests?" Obsessions? Stimming? Any delay in language? I know that Asperger's doesn't have a delay in language but autism does.

Well, my son did not speak any words whatsoever until he was five years old. I spoke at two years old. I have had many problems socially, I have never fit in or I have not felt like I indeed do fit in. My son is brilliant in my opinion, but I suppose that everyone's children are brilliant in their parent's eyes.

Communication-wise, I prefer to write everything I can. I prefer to speak only words that I deem completely accurate in description of the topic. I believe everyone else always tells the truth also, and it literally crushes me to find out I have been deceived. This has led me to a severe distrust of others, although I feel intense love for others nevertheless.

I don't want to take any medication or have to see any doctors, but this could explain a lot to me about why I do not seem to have all the same symptoms of schizophrenia, like my aunt has. I love my aunt intensely, but I do see many differences in our personalities and the way we do things. Does this mean the same this as mental retardation? I have been abused a lot throughout my lifetime for I don't know why.

Perhaps others have hated my difference from them? I am not certain, but as I read about Asperger's syndrome, it is like looking into a mirror. I copy everything around me, and everyone, that is how I learned to dance Zumba recently. I just copied what the teacher did and what the women did. I copied how I saw other people driving their vehicles, which led me to receive a speeding ticket, and so I had to stop copying that.

What are the symptoms of aspergers and autism? I thought it was a make believe syndrome that people were trying to push on my son because they were evil and trying to bully him. Perhaps it could be true? Thanks and any information is appreciated. I apologize for my ignorance.

Jeremiah is my younger son's middle name. He picked it himself. He always wanted to be called AJ. His first name's Adam, but his middle name was Russell. So I suggested he change his middle name when we finalized the adoption. I named every J name I could think of. I was hoping he'd pick Jude. But he liked Jeremiah. So Adam Jeremiah it is!

No one calls him AJ though.

Autism is a developmental disorder. It begins at birth. The difference between autism (classic) and Asperger's Syndrome is that in classic autism there is a speech delay. Asperger's there isn't any speech delay, in fact they can talk and very detailed at a very young age. About their special interests, they can obsess over them. They will find out every last detail about their special interest. I have several. One of them is model airplanes (which I have many of), art, video games, and current events. There is a thing called "stimming" which means you do very weird things with your body like hand flapping, rocking back and forth, repetitive movements, and sometimes what I do is weird things with my fingers and hands. Stimming is a way to deal with anxiety and overload. Also with autism there is hypersensitivity to sound, light, touch, taste. You might not like the feel of some clothes but like the others. Sometimes like you, autistics can be naive. They might trust everyone in sight. For social skills they do inappropriate things that turn people off. Sometimes they repeat other's words like a parrot (echolalia). They also lack eye to eye contact. Especially for people with Asperger's syndrome they can have extensive vocabularies. As for the mental retardation they are not the same thing although they can occur together. In fact for classic autism, the numbers can go as high as 60% of mental retardation and autism together. For Asperger's syndrome the numbers are much less, in fact people with Asperger's are usually considered brilliant (not 100% of them though). I have been diagnosed with high functioning autism. As for your schizophrenia what are the differences between you and your aunt? I am very, very sorry that you got abused. Autism and Asperger's are NOT make believe. They can prevent people from having a job. Or having a successful life. Some people with autism can lead successful lives though.

I think my son is one of the bravest people I know. He just keeps on trying even when it's hard. He was so paranoid last night and really wound up and a bit psychotic. But today he got up and went out and bought himself a new pair of running shorts (his friend borrowed his old pair and never returned them) and went for a mile run and a mile walk.

It's been an hour, and he's still coughing. I guess that's what happens when a smoker starts running suddenly.

Anyway I just wanted to say how great it is that he keeps trying in the face of difficulties.

That is quite ironic, my eldest son Jeremiah is called JayJay by our whole family, we usually call him Jeremiah when something serious is about to be said. My youngest son, is named Judah Kingston, very similar to Jude! Small world Costello ;D

Yes, he sounds like a Mighty Man of Valor to me. Indeed, I am certain that he is a Mighty Man of Valor. These Mighty Men are very special to the Lord God and have very important lives. I am certain of this, although other people may point out that this is only an opinion. To me, it is most certainly true and I can see that you most certainly believe this.

You are very blessed to have such a wonderful son, and he is most certainly blessed to have such a wonderful mother! I am so happy for yall! I called my wonderful mother today and left a message. I hope she calls back after Walgreens closes tonight. I hope so. <3<3<3 I miss her voice and I don't like fighting with her at all.

Oh my gosh! We used to call my older son Jay (short for his real name which I won't give). He's asked us to stop and use his formal name, so we don't use it anymore.

Jude is a form of Judah: http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect...g_of_jude.html

I told him you said so.

Wow, this does sound like something that could be real. I do parrot others and I have been called "Robotic" by others, including my husband. In fact, he was laughing at me just last night and I said why are you laughing at me? And he said, "You are just so robotic, but so passionate". I thought this was a bit mean but I love him anyhow. My son is very brilliant and he is obsessed with model airplanes as well and he has been fascinated and rather obsessed with every single thing regarding planets, the sky, rocket ships, their parts, any vehicle flying in the sky, the constellations, the moon and sun. In fact, his first word at the age of five was "Moon".

I spoke at the age of two, behind my younger sister Amanda who is exactly one year and four days younger than me. She spoke very quickly, but I caught up to her eventually. We have been very competitive but loving. I have only heard two voices in my life but I see, feel and smell many different things that other people do not see, feel and smell. I see lights and clouds all around me. I see white fire and things that I call "angels". I also see very mean spirits that hate me in people's faces. I do not like to look at people because of this.

I have been called naive by others which has led me to find it hard to trust since I have been bamboozled quite a few times. For instance, I have made large cash donations (above $100) to fraudulent causes, and I was only made aware that these causes were fraudulent by agents who questioned me as to my connection to these causes. I was duped. I felt ashamed, but I still give to trusted causes in hopes of the money helping someone in need.

I have had a few jobs in my life, mostly waiting tables, washing dishes etc. and I received all licenses that qualified me as a Financial Advisor For Thrivent Financial For Lutherans. I ultimately left that job though because it was a lot of driving, I hated it, and I felt insanely anxious while I was outside of my home and away from my family all day. I had started to drink a lot of alcohol to deal with my out of town business, which caused marital problems. I turned out to be a "drunk dialer" which was annoying and confusing to my childhood friends that I looked up on the internet online.

So, is this a little more telling perhaps? Like I said, any information is helpful. Perhaps I should contact some kind of a physician to find out more? I don't know where to begin. I would like to learn more about this to help my son to overcome. I only attended the first grade, second grade, sixth grade seventh grade and eighth grade, which I did have a few teachers tell my mother that I could be mentally retarded in a way. This in not completely evident by my outward looks per say, but I have never felt "stupid" in any way so I just let sleeping dogs lie etc. But my son is another story.

I would like to help him in any way I can. I want him to have the best the world has to offer and I would do anything, ANYTHING to give him the best life possible. Thanks my friend.

You write too beautifully to be called "mentally retarded." Your writing is incredible. I never knew you only attended the limited grades. Have you had your IQ tested at all? Mine is between (depending on the test) 78-85. That is called Borderline Intellectual Functioning. In my everyday life I struggle to figure out the simplest of tasks. Do you have trouble with problem solving? How good are you at academics? As for the autism, do you take things literally such as jokes? People with autism/ Asperger's tend to take things literally. When I was young, my mom told me to "drop it" when I went on and on about a subject. I then looked at my hands and then said, "But I am not holding anything." You should go to a doctor to see if you actually have autism. I don't know for a fact if you do or not. Some of the things you are describing does sound like an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). So, you have visual and tactile hallucinations rather than auditory. That is uncommon in schizophrenia. About 70+ % have auditory hallucinations. But the next most common is visual. I also see things as well as hear things. Today I saw a firebird in my house. That is the third or fourth time I have seen a firebird. I am not scared of them because that is one of my obsessions. I LOVE firebirds and dragons. I just hope it doesn't turn evil. I wonder if my brain (if its not real) is doing this because of my obsession. Its my name on nearly all the sites that I write on. There is a necklace that I want that is a firebird. Hearing only 2 voices in your head is probably not enough for a schizophrenia diagnosis. Have you had any delusions in your life? Or things that the doctors called delusional? Have you had disorganized speech or behavior? Negative symptoms such as a flat affect? Lack of motivation? Not talking much? Just remember I can't diagnose you. I am just helping you.

Well, my mom tells a story about my seventh birthday very well. I remember it too. We were making a boxed birthday cake together, and I read the directions by myself. It said "Mix 60 strokes by hand". I started squishing the mixture around with my hands and got messy and wet. We laughed.

I do take things literally most of the time, but I have grown in areas through trial and error that have caused me to be able to sense danger in times of potential vulnerability. I do get very paranoid when I feel that someone is mad at me (like my mom) or in public places, which causes me to act in inappropriate and unacceptable ways. When in sixth grade, I did not want to practice the Jitterbug in P.E. with a boy named Walter, I declared with passion to the whole class "Who died and made you king?" to my teach Mr. Crum. This was taken into a very different direction than I had anticipated, and I was disciplined. I have not been a very good learner, and have ignored most signs and lessons from others for some reason. I see things backwards, or as a mirror image. I see diamonds everywhere but no one else sees them.

Is this abnormal? I thought that I was just like everyone else and that when people try to say that I am not normal that they are just trying to put a curse on me like Snow White. Thank you for taking the time to help me sort this stuff out. No, I have never had an I.Q. test, but when I took my GED test, I had to study for six months and I had help to pass.

That homeless mentally ill woman who's been hanging out in our library got dragged off by the police today. I'm so pissed off about it. The lady wasn't hurting anyone and wasn't breaking any rules. She just makes the students uncomfortable, so they were complaining about her a lot. They think she's stealing their lunches, but I don't think she's ever been downstairs where the lunches are kept. Also the lady who runs the snack bar would have noticed if she'd been going through the students' fridges. Frankly I think it's the students who are stealing from one another. No one else could go into the fridges without being confronted.

So I guess someone called the campus police and reported a 'suspicious person.' They came to talk to her, and she got argumentative. So they kicked her off campus. They threatened to handcuff her at one point. Later they told one of the librarians they would have had no reason to eject her if she hadn't started arguing because she had done nothing wrong.

I protested it to the dean of student affairs. I was extremely upset. The most embarrassing thing is I cried in front of the dean. The circulation librarian told me she tried to show the cops her library card to prove she was okay to be there. That just breaks my heart.