Roll Call Four

Sorry your mom blocked you. No doubt something in your fight caused her enough pain that she either feels the need to protect herself from further pain or she's trying to punish you in some way. Either way it's not your fault. She's not rejecting you; she's trying to reject something in herself. Maybe if you can understand it that way, you can feel some compassion for her. In the final analysis, though, it's her issue, and she needs to deal with it.

I sometimes feel tempted to block or defriend people on facebook (and IRL too ) if they make me uncomfortable in some way. I have to remind myself that it's the people who aggravate us that give us a chance to grow. They expose our weak points and let us know what we need to work on. I'm sorry your mom doesn't know that.

I'm glad you're still exercising.

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One of my favorite commentaries about the value of having irritating people in our lives:

Be Grateful to Everyone, by Pema Chodron

The slogan 'Be grateful to everyone' is about making peace with the aspects of ourselves that we have rejected. Through doing that, we also make peace with the people we dislike. More to the point, being around people we dislike is often a catalyst for making friends with ourselves. Thus, "Be grateful to everyone."

If we were to make a list of people we don't like - people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt - we would find out a lot about those aspects of ourselves that we can't face. If we were to come up with one word about each of the troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities, which we project onto the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can't see. In traditional teachings on lojong it is put another way: other people trigger the karma that we haven't worked out. They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of boulders.

"Be grateful to everyone" is getting at a complete change of attitude. This slogan is not wishy-washy and naive. It does not mean that if you're mugged on the street you should smile knowingly and say "Oh, I should be grateful for this" before losing consciousness. This slogan actually gets at the guts of how we perfect ignorance through avoidance, not knowing we're eating poison, not knowing that we're putting another layer of protection over our heart, not seeing the whole thing.

"Be grateful to everyone" means that all situations teach you, and often it's the tough ones that teach you the best. There may be a Juan or Juanita in your life, and Juan or Juanita is the one who gets you going. They're the ones who don't go away: your mother, your husband, your wife, your lover, your child, the person that you have to work with every single day, part of the situation you can't escape. There's no way that someone else can tell you exactly what to do, because you're the only one who knows where it's torturing you, where your relationship with Juan or Juanita is getting into your guts.

When the great Buddhist teacher Atisha went to Tibet... he was told the people of Tibet were very good-natured, earthy, flexible, and open; he decided they wouldn't be irritating enough to push his buttons. So he brought along with him a mean-tempered, ornery Bengali tea boy. He felt that was the only way he could stay awake. The Tibetans like to tell the story that, when he got to Tibet, he realized that he need not have brought his tea boy: the people there were not as pleasant as he had been told. In our own lives, the Bengali tea boys are the people who, when you let them through the front door of your house, go right down to the basement where you store the things you'd rather not deal with, pick out one of them, bring it to you, and say "Is this yours?"

lightbulb Sorry you're arguing with your mum, but it sounds like you've got a good take on the situation and are still going out and meeting people. My mum and I argue a lot because we're so similar, we get on each other's nerves, but I love her to bits. Hopefully when the dust has settled on this argument, your mum will come around.

*Willow*

Oh lightbulb. It sucks that you had to go through that but at least you are continuing to take care of yourself... She'd be kicking herself in the *** if she knew you were still doing well & weren't letting her insensitive gesture ruin your day, hm? Trust me. I know what that's like. It will pass.

I made my way up to 15 minutes of intense cardio! If my muscles weren't in ****** condition thanks to the past few days of walking a mile to the bus stop, I'd have been able to go longer. I've been watching these Denise Austin videos on youtube & I'm surprised that she doesn't annoy me! Lol. And if anything, I put on my own music to mask that cheesy stuff.
Other than that, I also downloaded a Nintendo DS emulation program for the computer as well as some games. I'm most excited about Brain Age because I'm hoping to boost my left brain knowledge back to where it was! I feel like I've atrophied so much since the psychosis kicked in. So focused on drowning out the phenomena that I haven't really taken care of what's important to me...

Thanks yall. I hope it becomes resolved once and for all. Shay, my mom LOVES Denise Austin! Lol Funny of you to mention that. I love my mother very much too. But I refuse to carry the shame of her failures in ignorance any longer.

I am responsible for me and my own family's shame, not her's. I have always accepted it, in Many Fights that She has started. She is an undiagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. Just because she has refused to accept her own illnesses, does not make it my responsibility to care for her like my own child. That is not how it works.

Far be it from me, to have my own children to carry the burden of MY OWN failures. That is my job, and I am forgiven. She can be too. She has refused to look into the mirror at herself. She knows that I would forgive her, because I already have. She cannot forgive her own mother for the abuse that she endured within her own childhood.

This is the issue she battles. The fact that I have demonstrated true forgiveness towards her, through my obvious love for her, convicts her in her heart. That is her cross to bear. But she should realize that she should let it go. It is too heavy for a human being to carry. It will inevitably weigh her down, and crush her. Mine crushed me.

I went psychotic when I was seventeen years old for Pete's sake lol. I had to let my cross be lifted from my shoulders, by forgiving my mom and my dad. I am not here to condemn her. She has condemned herself. I will not tolerate being blamed for the breakdown of our family unit. It was not my fault. This realization has been very healing to me indeed.

I have broken out of the prison of my parent's condemnation. And I am never going back. She has chosen to no longer have a relationship with me, to her own hurt. I have always loved her unconditionally. I pray that someday she can do the same for her own sake. Thanks for the encouragement yall. Sincerley, Lightbulb7

I just thought I'd check in. Just got finished moving and am now with my toddler and parents for the next few months. Don't know how much I'll be on, but I'll be checking pm's relatively frequently, I hope.

I'm feeling very, very, very uneasy. No psychosis, no mood swings, no intrusive thoughts... It's not even obvious that I'm feeling weird. I feel fine, but the voice of reason in the back of my head is ushering me to question this. I've recently started to develop spiritual thoughts again & this confuses me. I don't know if it's delusional or practical. While it does nothing but good for me & gives me a sense of purpose, I'd rather be purposeless if my only motivating force is just another sentiment to my mental disorders. This is just so, incredibly, overwhelmingly uncomfortable. How will I ever find the answers I seek?


Hope the move continues to go well, icky. And I'm glad you're coping well through the hostility, lightbulb. And I hope everyone else is doing okay.

For the last few days I have been hearing soft voices. Right now its mainly limited not all day long. For some reason yesterday I heard angels. "come with me" they said. The Random Phrase Guy was saying weird things as well. I also in the car heard dad talking constantly and I asked him about it and he said, "You are hearing voices again." The stressor that is causing this (I think) is that my brother's student loans are due this week. I only learned about that a few weeks ago and previously I thought it was in November or December that the first student loans are due. It means unless it can be delayed further (which I know we hit the limit) I am realistic. The main thing that is keeping me going right now is that yesterday's show was very successful. We made a profit. Also that we made the best connections in history of my company. The thing is that we have made previous connections like this and none of them actually happened. All of them were interested at the time of the show but never wrote to us again and when we tried giving them an e-mail they were idiotic morons for not writing back. But this connection if real means that I could have several commissions a week. Others seemed interested in commissions as well. I am an artist a pet artist to be exact. Also wildlife. My pictures are fully customizable meaning you can choose the background of the picture, can choose how many animals or pets, the position of the pets, the size, basically everything in the picture. But there were many many times before this that I had hopes of lots of commissioned pictures so I doubt this is real. I bet we will never hear from her again. Sorry about how others are feeling on here. I hope everyone gets better!

my wife will be out of town for a few days. i will be lonely without her. but the pets miss her too, so they are being extra cuddly, which i always appreciate.
she forgot to preprint the tickets, so was having a lot of anxiety about getting checked in at the airport okay. but she is boarded now so that was all okay. i'll be kept busy during the day at work tomorrow, so that will be okay i guess.

Thanks for this Costello, you have demonstrated a very wise and understanding spirit towards me and I am very grateful. I have learned that what you have quoted is quite true, and is a blessing in disguise. Perhaps my mother can finally heal from all of the weight that she has been carrying or trying to "share" with me.

Hopefully her and my grandmother's relationship can and will be healed in the future. For the time being, it is detrimental to my mental progress for me to continue to submit to her in her presence, while she allows condemning remarks to make their way to the surface.

It really disgusts me how she complains like a four year old to this day, every day, about how horrible her mother was. I have never done this, out of respect for my mother. It is time to cut the cord though, for my own growth.

If I continue to have those seeds sown into my heart and mind, as I have for the last twenty years, I am not going to break this generational curse and go further than my ancestors were able to. Our family will suffer yet another failed "crop" so to speak. I love her and I always will.

She has depended on me financially, emotionally, and parentally (supporting my 4 younger siblings after my dad went to prison) and it is no longer advantageous for any of us since my sisters are stable and grown. I have outgrown this relationship as well.

I am in need of finding myself apart from my mothers perspective of how I should live and breathe and move. Sorry to go on so long lol. I don't have anyone in my real life to talk to about this stuff, as I don't speak about her in a negative light to others because she has a job and children (my sisters) and I don't want to "ruin" her life by my words. But I had to vent somehow I guess.

But this is true and I have to face it. I have outgrown my unfit mother, and if I want this apple to roll farther from the tree than she did, I better get to steppin lol. Thanks yall, Hope everyone is doing well and has a great week.

i think you are so smart to say that you have "outgrown" the relationship. i think a lot of people never get away from parent child relationships, and i think it's healthier when you do. sometimes this means you have a new, different kind of relationship, and sometimes it means you have no relationship. i think either way is okay.
i hardly ever talk to my mother, but when we do speak it's reasonably pleasant. shes not a "caregiver" kind of person, and i think she tolerates me much better as an adult then she ever did as a child.

Oh my gosh, I hope you didn't think I was saying you should force yourself to stay in a relationship with your mom. I can see why you'd read it that way. No, I can see the relationship would be toxic for you - especially as you work on your recovery.

My comments were intended for what I think your mom should do. I think she's put up a wall against you (blocking you on fb) and is blaming you because she's in pain - not because of anything you've done but because of how she sees herself when you're there. It's like you hold up a mirror to her, and she doesn't like what she sees reflected back. She blames you, because it's easier to try and push the pain away than to take it on and work through it.

I'm sorry, I have this habit of seeing things through the parent's eyes.

Yeah, parents are just people. It would be nice if they all had the qualities that made good parents, but, alas, it isn't so. And even the best have feet of clay like all mere mortals.

I thank you for both perspective's Costello. Both are good to remember. One of those perspectives I only recently, since my sobriety becoming a lifestyle 7 months ago, was able to realize. Which is my own perspective. I agree with the message that was given in a film called "The Truman Show" starring Jim Carey.

In this film, the narrator declares "One accepts whatever reality presented to them". Absolutely, and Amen. I did accept that reality. But it was false. So I must "grow up" even more, and now I realize that the power that was holding me back from such a success as I one day hope to help society in any manner that I possibly can.

My first priority in my own life that I live is my own family unit and children. I teach them, I love them, I feed them, I clothe them, I protect them from danger. I demonstrate the best example of how to live and think for them by my words and actions.

Just as my parents did or did not do for me, which their parents did or did not do for them and so on. I have never repeated my forsaken childhood memories upon them, Far be it from me!

I accept that my initial reality upon arrival to this planet was false. I accept that. I am not condemned because of this. The way that I was raised by my parental figures, in this false reality created by my mother and father, was through the perspective that both of my parents held that God would stone me for "committing adultery". They used the bible to prove to me many times how damned I really was.

My mom repeatedly slapped me and called me a *****, when I told her what was happening to me when I was eight years old. This reality I am forced to concede to while I am with my mother. My father is only a memory to me, but in those memories, he is also condemning of me. This is real.

But Now I am finding out that though real, like you pointed out before to me so wisely Costello, yes while real, it is not indeed true. This has been a revelation that I am most grateful for. My prison of condemnation has been unlocked. I am free indeed.

I'm sorry you suffered such abuse as a child. It's really inconceivable that anyone would treat a child that way. I've never slapped anyone of any age or called anyone a '*****.' I certainly wouldn't do that to a child. I was raised in a family that didn't even believe in spanking.

My youngest sister is an alcoholic. For a while she was going around telling anyone who'd listen that she was abused as a child. My other sister and I didn't know what the h e l l she was talking about. I mean my parents were far from perfect, but abusive? No.

Then suddenly she stopped talking about it. One day she told me that she was court-ordered to go to group therapy for her alcoholism due to a DUI. As she listened to the other people in the group talk about the abuse their parents had inflicted on them when they were children, it dawned on her that she hadn't been abused after all.

Wow, she does sound delusional for all intents and purposes. It is a very dangerous thing to allege abuse that has never occurred! Perhaps she was not aware of the consequences of such actions? Perhaps she is now. I hope beloved. For the fact that it is true that Paranoid Schizophrenia runs in a hereditary manner, could she have imagined these evil things, and then rather failed to acknowledge such things as vain imaginations? Perhaps she could also be suffering from a form of paranoid schizophrenia such as her nephew, and she has rather not realized this thusly.

Perhaps doing so, and working back from the onset of symptoms would be helpful in her life to realize what it is that has bothered her and caused her to falsely blame her parental figures. I hope that she gets the help that she needs beloved. Thank you for sharing this revelation with us all Costello. Another piece to the unfolding saga that is this manifold mosaic of life. I appreciate it beloved.

P.S. How is your son doing today? I have wondered if he has been able to find success and growth lately in his common struggle with the paranoia that I also struggle with. I really hope and pray that he is blessed and highly favored and that everything that your son sets his hand to do shall prosper indeed beloved. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

No, she remembered her childhood correctly. She was just considering behaviors to be abusive that weren't. When I asked for an example, the only thing she could come up with was that mom was depressed all the time. Indeed, she was, but never to the point that it interfered with her life. It was never clinical depression requiring treatment. And that's not abusive anyway.

Here's the weird thing. At about that same time, she was also going around telling everyone that her husband was a pedophile. They were separated, and the kids were with him. No one believed her, because she was so over-the-top and saying wild things. Finally her therapist told her to stop going around saying that - she could get in trouble. Well, turns out she was right. Her husband was a pedophile. One night her daughter had a little friend over to spend the night, and her husband molested her. Sadly, if my sister had had any credibility at all at that time, people might have listened to her, and the little girl might not have been abused.

No, I think she just didn't know what abusive behavior looked like. Frankly, when she stopped drinking, her mind cleared up and her problems went away, including her depression.

He's doing better. It was a rough weekend. He's been angry lately and ruminating a lot on negative things that happened in the past - which has made the anger grow. Very stressful for me. Part of me thinks he should up the dose on his med. The other part thinks he needs to take this opportunity to work on dealing with anger more effectively. It's tough to know what to advise him.

He seems better today. More anxious than angry - and definitely more focused on problem solving.

Wow, that sure clears a lot up for me Costello, I appreciate your bravery to discuss such matters of a personal nature. I know how easily it is to become confused with reality, truth, and facts swirling so abundantly around.

With alcohol in the mix, it is inevitably a recipe for misunderstandings and misdirected anger and frustration. Preacher, meet the choir in the mirror lol. I hope that your son's anxiety eases up soon. Something that has helped me recently with my anxieties is this: My husband bought me a pair of earphones that cover my entire ear on the outside, containing my ear snugly within a cushion like material.

Then he showed me that on our friendly website called Youtube, that there is a playlist feature present on our personal acccount. You can browse along and create a playlist of every single song that you can possibly think of and add it to said playlist.

Then, I plug in the earphones into our laptop computer port and hit the "Play All Shuffle" key on my Youtube playlist. Every song is such a pleasant surprise! I know every one by heart and through heart!

This has been most wonderful indeed! I cannot believe that such glory exists and is mine forever! This has been so healing and helpful to me as I'm writing etc. and perhaps it could also be helpful to someone similar in ways to myself. I hope so beloved. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

Hiya yall

Hi! back at ya!

Heya...how's it going. Myspace bar is sticky

Not too bad over here! A bit exhausted though. It's nice to see you posting

My son is more paranoid than I've seen him in a long time. Also a bit psychotic. Last night he was pacing around the house and talking about his friends, telling me things they'd done and said, asking if they could put a curse on him. I didn't really know what to say except that his friends sound a bit immature and self-centered but that's all.

He seemed to be aware that he was moving into the realm of the irrational and that he could easily go in a bad direction mentally if he didn't get off that train of thought. But he kept talking and pacing. I finally got him to settle down and start watching a movie - which did briefly help him stop thinking about it but didn't hold his attention long.

Lately he's eating less, losing weight, and sleeping less.

I did remind him last night that he has that PRN for olanzapine if he thinks he needs it. He didn't respond to that one way or the other.

I told him I thought this was an anxiety reaction to the fact that he's doing so much more than he has done for a long time. He's out with friends more and trying to work at a job. And the people he's choosing to be around aren't terribly mature. They mostly drink heavily and use drugs. And they're just not the most supportive people in the world. One guy, for example, made fun of my son when he saw a woman he wanted to approach but then lost his nerve.

Oh, I don't know. I know he'll probably always tend to slide toward psychosis and paranoia under stress. He needs to know how to recognize it (which he seems to) and how to deal with it (which he's working on very hard). If he's going to learn that stuff, he'll have to have these thoughts and feelings arise so he can work with them. It's just scary to see him so irrational. At least he was still reachable last night. I dread the times when he gets paranoid about me or enraged at me. Even he was aware that he's been way way worse in the past. But he also worried that he'd get worse this time too.

Hi jD. Good to see you again.

Costello: I'm sorry your son is slipping a little bit... But that's something that really can't be avoided. Regardless of meds, if he's stressed, his symptoms are going to exacerbate. From what I've observed lately, that seems to be the only time I experience anything weird. And there's no way to avoid stress... Just see how this pans out. He's done really good so far & if he's able to get even the tiniest bit of insight out of this, that's extraordinary. I know you're worried & that's not a wrong response. But you're already doing the best possible thing you can do -- being supportive.

I'm worried about an incoming slip, myself. Nothing has happened yet, but I got a horrible piece of news yesterday... My stupid Mother can't keep herself sober long enough to get me a piece of paperwork I've been requesting since June! And now I probably won't be able to go to college for the 5th semester in a row. God, it makes my heart race just thinking about it. I'm considering just trying to find a job & give up on school until I'm 24 & can register as an independent student.
I can't believe she is such a self-centered person. She even missed my sister's 18th birthday & the chance to see her grandson for the first time! *shakes my head* Not that I'm really surprised, but if she causes me not only the loss of the upcoming semester AND another psychotic fit? I swear... That will be the end of our relationship until she decides she wants to get her **** together for longer than a week at a time.

Hi Costello, I am going through the EXACT same thing your son is going through. I am under a lot of pressure and it sure is hard to think rationally right now. I had a total panic attack today at ZUMBA.

I was in the parking lot crying like a flippin baby talking to my husband on the phone for about twenty minutes after class. That is exactly what I thought, that the women in my Zumba class were trying to put a curse on me and my family. EXACTLY.

I can't believe it's happening to someone else, someone I know's son lol. This must be irrational. I thought they really were trying to do that because a lot of Mexican women do this thing called ÖJO, which is touch someone else's baby and then curse them.

I saw the women eyeing my beautiful handsome perfect son, I got INSANELY PARANOID!!! I almost ran outta there with my son screaming ***** YOU GET AWAY B*TCHES!!! Lol but I realized what was happening. I moved my son's stroller over to a side of the room where I was able to rescue him in case of sudden danger lol. It worked.

Then when I got into the parking lot, I really was paranoid that the other women were all talking bad about me and cursing my family, jealous of me because I was such a great dancer and my hair is long and beautiful. Well, I could not bring myself to put my car into gear lol. I called my husband and he talked me through the panic attack.

I went 25 miles an hour all the way home, started listening to my playlist on youtube, breathed deeply, and guess what? I'm sober. I'm doing it. One step at a time. I'm going to go to Zumba tomorrow again. I'm gonna shake dem haters off lol. I am so relieved to hear that this happens to someone else besides me. It is comforting to not be alone.

Thanks for sharing this Costello, and I hope your son is doing better. At least tell him someone else in the world his same age is also struggling with the same EXACT situation lol. Have a good day everybody, thanks for being here for me yall, it has really improved my quality of life dramatically. <3 Yours truly, Lightbulb7