Roll Call Four

My son's now picking an argument with me. This is going to be another crappy night.

Hang in there, costello. This too shall pass... But in the meantime, you can always complain over here. You're there for us regularly -- it's only fair.

yea i was just thinking about that.
im pretty thankful.

im seriously considering it now that someone mentioned to me to but

where are all the men? on here?

There are guys. Some regulars. Maybe they don't post as much.

i post too much

i need stuff to do.

Thanks, Shay. I just want this medication reduction to work. And I'm really scared we'll go back to the rages and stuff. But honestly I think it's just that he's shaken up by the accident. It's not the medication reduction that's making him mad.

He wants to blame the other guy for the accident, and I wouldn't let him, and that probably seemed unsupportive. I just worry about his tendency to lay the blame on others. He doesn't think, "Oh, I had an accident. Everyone has accidents sometimes." He thinks, "I'm a bad person who drives badly and people hate me." Then in order to make himself feel better and protect his ego, he has to make up a story where the other guy is at fault. If he can make himself innocent (and even a victim), his ego is protected. But it also leads to paranoia and psychosis, because eventually his version of the world is so different from everyone else's. And he's saying the guy had a Confederate flag on his car, so racism becomes part of the narrative.

I can see how that's really difficult to deal with. Either he's victimized or he's... Victimized! Whichever route he chooses to go, he seems to always wind up the victim of either his own guilt or the other party.
These are the types of things that take a long time to change. It's not a problem OF the schiz, I don't think, but a probable root in his mind that further verifies his paranoid delusions. That will get worked on eventually, once he gets the hang of improving his current well-being.
I agree that it's probably his accident that shook him up -- He probably thought for a bit there "I'm letting her down by having become paranoid & gotten into an accident". But, again, he is ego-protecting so he doesn't feel he's disappointed you. And in his agitated state, he probably doesn't want to hear the truth right now...
With the types of strides he's been making, I think he'll come out of it. He's been dealing with situations where he's crowded by people & all sorts of stuff he wasn't able to cope with previously. This is just a bump in the road.

And about the thing with there being no/very few guys here... The only one I really know of is Tsunami, but if he's around at all, he posts in Bipolar or Schizoaffective. I guess guys are less likely to seek support or recognize their problems? And I thought the rates of schizophrenia were equal for men & women? As far as I knew they were... Still a strange observation though!

my sister told me not to post anything weird on facebook.
i dont understand why.
i said "why cant i be me."
she said "you can."
idk what weird shes talking about.
idk what she specifically referring to me about me.

how old apart are u two?

the more i discover about u newt the more i seem to get it, anyway.

i, too, have a sister. we are close in age, 16 months apart and I am the youngest sibling.

i dont understand this.

my sister is 30. im 22.

Maybe she's concerned you'll put up a bunch of stuff about government conspiracies or the random world salad you get on occasion? IDK. She probably just doesn't want you to get alienated by your other family... Though, must admit, she could have used better wording. Siblings are like that

I've got a sister too. 18 months apart; I'm older. I've also got 3 half-sisters & another full biological sister I never knew existed... Always thought she was one of my Mum's delusions or ridiculous lies. Turns out she's actually in France & looks exactly like her! Weird ****

how interesting! and very weird yes.

????????????????????

word salad is a funny phrase because it makes u think, when really it's a just a term that means nonsense

So weird!! When she found me on facebook last year, I seriously felt so strange. I repeatedly called her a liar over it.

I'm just making an assumption. Like, she wants you to be YOURSELF but not say anything weird? That's the only thing I can think of. Because IDK what that could mean otherwise... Not trying to make you feel like ****, obviously! I've just have no idea. Maybe I'm just spouting off like an idiot

Hahaha really! Stupidest phrase ever. Have you ever read the Phantom Tollbooth? They actually ate words. It was entertaining.

i know what it is. i guess its just harder for me to recognize that. idk

your prob right shay.

i tend to take notes from other people when it comes to my behavior. so your prob right.

i feel like thats something i couldnt really control. the govt stuff i could say "i wont post this". but its part of me and my interests and stuff. :/

That really sucks!! But it's like how I feel with spiritual things. Not only are they my genuine interests that I believe are totally real (though I'm trying really hard to deprogram myself) -- but they are also rooted in my symptoms. So while some people might think I'm being nuts, I'm just pursuing my interests! It's weird. I hate it. And I make it an effort to denounce any & all conspiracy theories because I don't want to believe them... I feel like people will peg me for crazy for the wrong reasons? IDK.

****. I think full-blown psychosis is back. It's been residual for the past two weeks, maybe. But yesterday & today it's been more consistent, which is a sign of things to come.
Last night with the crocodile & paranoia. Tonight with thinking my MIL is out to sabotage me again, not feeling stoked about doing anything except reading about stuff I know will trigger me, not getting hungry anymore, not getting sleepy anymore, & seeing ****. When I was cooking in the kitchen, I saw this weird little white fairy about the size of a pencil eraser that I thought was trying to fly into my ears... Turned out it was a soap bubble. But I got scared.

This is ********.

"Its too late. Shes gone"

i want to enter a table discussion thats like a forum
and when people send "pics" i want pictures to be thrown at my head
like when for it to be timed like when it says "@10:47SM", at the specified
time for comments to be said at that time. etc etc etc...

id be willing to reenact this.

Huh? What's with the quote?

Went full-blown manic. Probably the reason for the symptoms getting worse when they were at a low intensity before. ********************************.

So how are you?

LMFAO that idea sounds hilarious. I also want to thumbs up everything everyone says & respond with "LOL" instead of actually laughing. In a monotone, just so it sounds more out of place.

lol i didnt expect a fast response. the thumbs up seems cool. and then the hugs could be real and then itd all make total sense.

um the quote.
idk i think im thinking about suicide.
idk i just...i find beauty in it. for myself i mean. not for anyone else you know?
like personally. my thoughts about it symbolize something to me.

i just woke up now im awake.
from the medicine.

I honestly have nothing better to do.

I'm doing everything short of ripping my hair out from restlessness... Which is funny because I *do* have trich. But uh. Yeah. Probably going to go offline now. Not sure if I'm sleeping or not. I'm not tired at all. And if I take a pm, I won't wake up in the morning to help him get ready for work... So IDK what to do with myself.

It's easier to romanticize tragedy if it's our own. Probably as a coping mechanism to make the thoughts seem less frightening?

Have a good night!!