Roll Call Four

no.......

oh sorry i thought it was.
my mistake.

i cant go outside. i shot a dead raccoon and its decaying.
smells like s**t.
i threw up outside when i came out.

i dont understand how im supposed to get help
with being followed and people trying to put me in jail or something
if those people are the law?

i dont understand. can someone help me.

anyONE???

I don't understand the question.

i dont understand how im supposed to get help with being followed and people trying to put me in jail if those people are the law?

Why are they following you and trying to put you in jail?

i dont know why?
seriously.

in all serious.
i just. i dont know.

im scared.

How are they trying to put you in jail? Are they chasing you? Grabbing you? Have they put out a warrant for your arrest? Trumping up charges against you?

It seems like if they want to put you in jail, they don't have to try. They just do it.

Ah, my son just called. He says he's feeling paranoid. I hope he just needs a bit of time to adjust to this lower dosage.

Newtus, I seriously doubt the police are interested in arresting you. If you're at home, just stay there.

I'm leaving work now. I'll be away from the computer for at least 45 minutes.

yea but things have been happening to me for years.
but im talking about ..in all serious...like everything aside.
you know?

like someone came to my house and tried to get some words from me. asking me if i was witness to something. i said no and all that. they said im not in trouble if i wasnt a witness to something that happened in public. not in trouble even if i was. but i wasnt. i kept asking them if i was in trouble or they were trying to get me into trouble they kept saying no. it was some civil case and they said i prob wouldnt be contacted again. and i havent been since. but idk what they were trying to do? i dont even remember what it was all for?

i didnt understand.

i had an incident happen to me in 2010.
these people were banging my door and yelling outside my apartment.
i didnt understand why they were. i called the police. the apt manager
never noted it. its like it all went into silence?

i was bumped into earlier this year of 2012 if i remember in target
by what i think was an undercover policeman or detective or something.
for what? i do now know.

thing is if my trouble is - im assuming with the police - then how am i
supposed to get help?
i mean none of this is fake. its real. its just what am i supposed to do?

newtus-

relax doll, and breathe for a minute

you know that moment when u accidentally (and somehow magically) flip your writing utensil like 6 feet across the room on accident?

in class...

that awkward moment.

its just im really afraid. and i didnt do anything wrong. so idk why im being succumbed to all of this. thing is - i dont understand. now its that if i really need help i dont think i can get it. ive had unfortunate incidents with the police due to my mental health. now what? i cant get any help because im considered "crazy" by society. so what am i supposed to do if i feel im being harrassed? i thought about calling anyway. but i dont want to be mistakenly taken in for whatever people think is weird on their own terms.

emmanuel bronner believed mental hospitals were concentration camps? now havent i said that? theres a few people that can quote me on that. i said that last year.

i said that.

maybe back in the early 1880s to the 1950s, yes most mental hospitals were very raw and primal in how they dealt with the "insane"

they still are.

they still are.

in my mind yea in some ways they are...

but let's go there another time.........

no but they are
they all are

its real.
its reality.
its the reality of mental health care and the american psychiatric system.

anyone who is against me even when i speak kindly - is under the influence of any personal information regarding my mental health. to testify against me. my having a psychosis dx should not influence others to go against me in anything i say! thats why i never liked myself. my eccentricity has evolved into an outward showing of what society considers "crazy". im not stupid. i know the looks on peoples faces - their reactions say it all. my whole life - ive known something was weird about me as per societies reactions to me and my thoughts. but that should have NO influence over others as to question whether my information or interests are genuine or not. though it does - it should not!

Ugh!

Here's what happened on my drive home:

1. My sister called and told me that she accidentally walked in on a conversation where her new tenant - the guy she's just signed a 2 year lease on her house with - was trying to convince her business partner to cheat her, to poach all her customers and push her out.

2. I found out I have jury duty tomorrow morning.

3. My son called to tell me that while he was driving around feeling paranoid, he ran into someone else's car.

although the reality is quite bleak, if u objectively look at where mental health treatment has come from, and the advances being made every singe day, we have come a long way in this "science".

just sayin that ive been to many mental hosptials

no. we havent come a long way. overall.
ive seen where its from. im familiar with the origins and practices initiated from the beginning.

and so have i.

i guess i just feel like comparing an average psychiatric unit now to a concenctration camp, where people died on a daily basis in massive quantities, is a little extreme