Roll Call Four

today should be better. i am trying to think of things to get at the store. i don't want to be cooking the same things this week. i'm having a rough time eating right now, so i'm not feeling very inspired. i don't want to take my wife down with me.

yep...............

I was right, unfortunately... The doctor thought it was psychosomatic. He didn't even bother checking me for anything else!! He just saw the burns on my arm, looked at the BD on my chart, & said it was from the stress of moving here A YEAR AND A ****ING HALF AGO! This is the second professional to tell me that is the cause of my symptoms, before checking anything out. I am so pissed off & hurt. My Mum went through the same ****, even after her Lupus dx!! The same cycle passed from Mother to daughter. I'm unbelievably annoyed. I can't believe it finally happened to me... I've been discriminated based on a MI. And the one on my chart was just an understatement!

I am praying for your health and healing! <3 I hope you feel better soon my friend.

I'm sorry but not surprised, Shay.

For people who make so much money, doctors aren't really worth much.

Well said Costello! I couldn't agree more. Except in life or death situations, and even then it's not foolproof, doctors rarely earn their keep. In my opinion. I have never met a doctor or pediatrician that I understood to be doing a sufficient job. They are just in too big a hurry and too nervous about too much knowledge and pressure. How you feeling today Shay?

It just pisses me off so much. Sigh. I can't get insurance quickly enough. Maybe if I actually get in depth diagnostics done, they won't call me a ****ing attention-seeker. And seriously?! Who's to say a medical condition isn't responsible for my mental symptoms anyway? Grr. I'm truthfully not as upset as last night, but this just still gets under my skin... I remember my Mum would take me to all of her appointments so I could talk sense into her physicians. I was probably the only reason she continued to receive treatment! She always told me that I should become a doctor, but med school is way too intense for me... Sigh.

I'm okay this morning. The neck stiffness, confusion, headache, & abdominal pain are all gone today. So idk what gives. The spine pinches & parasthesias are still there though!

This happens to me for some reason- my vertebrae (which have never been injured in an accident, that I recall) are like the teeth on a zipper that's stuck, my back has shocking lightening-like pain. All I can think of is that I have had three epidurals in my life for the birth of my three children. Have you had one? Maybe that could be something there. I have NEVER had a doctor actually care about anything more than getting me out of the examination room and collecting payment. They do not care. It says everywhere, in magazines, on t.v. etc. "just talk to your doctor, he or she really cares about you" HA HA HA! Maybe if you have Cadillac insurance or some other rare case. I am so sorry Shay, I sincerely hope your body and heart get relief from this torture. Maybe you can try sam-e, it really "greases the wheels" on my joints, such as my spine and neck, it definitely couldn't hurt, what do you have to lose. It has really benefited me physically and mentally. I would recommend it to a friend.

By the way Shay, I also have ovarian cysts. I actually have poly-cystic-ovarian-syndrome. We've got a lot in common. We are suffering with you in spirit beloved.

Never had any trauma or epidurals or anything. Weird. I really think it's something genetic because I've had physical **** since childhood & neurological issues since puberty. I'll have to do more research on Sam-E because I remember my Mum tried that for a while & it didn't do anything for her, but it might work for me. Who knows! And my cysts were only follicular, they said, & were common. But they gave me an unreal amount of symptoms! Ah well... I'll live! I'll just be more peaceful when I have answers. Until then, I just keep on keeping on.

Well said! That's really all we can do at the end of the day; put one foot in front of the other. I'm glad that some of your symptoms have let up anyway.

In other news, my mum thinks that I've made a mistake in going back to uni to do my MSc. I'm only starting my 2nd week and I'm already struggling to muster the motivation to go in. Mum thinks that maybe the course isn't right for me. I just think that the depression has gotten worse, and maybe I'm stressed. I sometimes dissociate myself from my feelings so it's quite common for me not to know what I'm feeling, but I think I'm stressed because 1) I'm waking up really early each morning, 2) I keep bursting into tears at random things though I don't feel upset, and 3) I keep hearing voices, not at the pre-med level, but I don't normally hear anything at this dose of my antipsychotic...so I'm guessing that I'm stressed about the move and starting a challenging course and making friends etc. Ugh!

I wish I had someone to talk to but I'm still waiting for the referral to my old pdoc to go through, so I have nobody at the moment. I thought about going to the GP but she's said that she's not comfortable to mess with my meds as I'm using my antidepressant unlicensed (although bupropion/Wellbutrin is regularly used as a anti-depressant in the US, it's not licensed for that here) so there's no point bothering her as she can't do anything to help... IDK. I'm rambling anyway so I'll go now.

*Willow*

Everything I read from yall I can really relate to. Weeping Willow, I am going through the same 1 2 3 you mentioned. Sam-e has helped me, it's a supplement naturally found in your body. It's relatively cheap, about 25 dollars for a 30 day supply. I don't know what it would be in your area. I don't see psychologists, and my family thinks I can just "rebuke all mental illness" and it will be gone forever lol. So when I try to get help from them, they just tell me not to "claim" it. I see their point, as I don't go around in life telling people I have schizophrenia, because that would really complicate my life and isolate me more than I already am. My husband is great, although he was raised by first generation Mexicans who believe what I am going through is just a "curse of a witch" which only confuses my already bizarre belief system. But at least they acknowledge that I am going through something lol. So in a way that's better than just denying it exists or believing I am sinning because of the voices and visions and bizarre thought patterns and my unorthodox lifestyle. It is pretty lonely. But with my strong faith, sam-e supplements and the support here, I am also keepin on keepin on. I hope things change for you and you are blessed with greater peace and that the world around you becomes bearable. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

Just came from the staff meeting at work. Our homeless woman was brought up.

This woman has been coming to our library all summer. She's obviously homeless. She wears a large yellow coat with all her belongings stuffed into the lining, so she looks like a giant yellow balloon. She comes in and uses our computers to listen to music videos. She's always polite and well-spoken and doesn't harm anyone.

At some point I got the idea she was mentally ill. Schizophrenic, I think. I can't remember what made me think so, but I'm almost positive.

Well, our students came back in late August, and they don't like the looks of her. She smells, and she looks different, and she dances along with the videos. So, they've complained to the dean who referred it to campus security. She's never done anything to justify kicking her out. Our building is open to the public, and she causing no one any harm.

Anyway, I'm upset. The situation was mentioned in the staff meeting, and I fear they'll find an excuse to kick her out. I feel very protective of her, as do several of the other librarians and staff members.

Oh No!!! I am praying for this situation STAT. I appreciate your protection over our brothers and sisters, you are a champion of humanity, a true hero. I hope that this turns out in JUSTICE!!!!

Ugh! Stayed up too late last night - watching Perry Mason. Now I'm tired this morning.

I bought that cross stitch software yesterday evening. Took Newtus's advice and avoided the cheap ones on Ebay. $125. It makes me nervous to spend that much money on something that might turn out to be pointless. I was so excited until it came down to actually spending money. Now I'm just scared.

I hope I like that software, and I hope I at least make enough money to get back what I spent on the software. Not sure how long it will take for the thing to arrive.

Praying that your investment bears you more fruit than you paid for it, a hundred fold!!! Sincerely, Glinda Gail

It's a shame about that homeless lady, but she will probably end up being kicked out. I can't imagine homeless people being allowed to stay in my universities' libraries, even though they're open to the public too. Universities are very conscious about their image; not the being inclusive image they lie about fostering, but the exclusive 'we're better than you because we are university-educated' image. Parents would be horrified to find they were paying all that money to these prestigious universities for their children to be mixing with the homeless that they'd rather just pretend didn't exist... *sigh*

I too hope that your business venture flourishes costello It's always scary when we take that first step into the unknown, especially when it involves spending a lot of money.

I hope that everyone else is ok I've made it through another day by putting one foot in front of the other, so lets hope that continues. While we're hoping, let's hope that one day we'll all find that we don't focus on the next step, but realise that we've walked a thousand without a care in the world!

*Willow*

Amen!!! You are blessed and highly favored!!! Walk the walk my friend, and you will see that there are children following you! You will lead them where ever you go. You are really going places! So proud of your success my friend! Sincerely, Glinda Gail

Luckily I don't work at a prestigious university!

I told the director my views this morning. Our students are going to be lawyers some day, and they need to learn some compassion. Anyway, I don't see she's bothering anyone. Frankly, the students are louder that she is! People tell me she smells bad. I have a really bad sense of smell, so I can't smell it. One lady told me she tries to clean up in the bathroom. So she's making an effort. It's just hard when you're homeless.

Flourish. I like that word. I hope it flourishes too.

Keep at it, Willow. One day at a time.

Reading Plato's "Phaedo" as an assignment for a philosophy course on death that was lectured at Yale in the Spring semester of 2007 through the iTunesU app on my iPad.

And they call ME delusional? Puh!

lol... What's it about?

It's about Soccrates who is condemned to death by jury "for not beliving in the gods of the state and for corrupting the youth of the city" (Wikipedia), and must drink poison and rationalizes that there is an afterlife; that there is a soul before life of which is then born into a body that eventually dies but the soul survives death to be reborn again. So he is gleefully looking forward to his own death.

The philosophy course argues two points of view:

The Dualist View - that there is a soul and a body and the soul survives the body's physical death.

The Physicalist View - that the body, although physical, is also capable of extroidinary means such as emotions and intelligence (soul); that the soul and body are one in the same. That when the body dies there is no afterlife; you are dead.

I am of the Physicalist View in that once you are dead that's it. It's all over. That you only get one shot at this life and this is it so make the best of it.

I'm only a third of the way into the course so I'm sure these views will still evolve more into depth along the way. Overall, I'm really enjoying it as it has me looking at my own beliefs.

http://www.signifier.co.uk/CCST/articles2.htm

I don't feel so crazy!! Evidently a lot of people with mild, aseptic/sub-clinical meningitis get it passed off as a psychosomatic reaction. I'm so relieved that I'm not the only one. Because I remember how scared & weird I felt -- Even beyond when my brain goes weird from psychosis! So this makes me feel like I'm verified again, which is really important to me. My appointment with the government insurance people can't happen soon enough... I can't wait to see a doctor & actually get bloodwork/MRIs done. It's probably a little too presumptuous of me, but I'm kind of really riding on the possibility that my psychosis or mood swings could be an underlying physical or neurologic condition. *sigh*

Not doing too bad today! Another night of bad sleep, though that was thanks to being really stressed out... I've got some things bothering me. But nothing that can't be sorted out.

Had a nightmare last night that my mom had shrunk 4 or 5 inches. Ugh!

Normally she's my height - about 5'6". I looked at her, and she was really short. I asked her what had happened, and she didn't even seem to know she'd shrunk.

Maybe it has something to do with her dementia which is getting obviously worse. In the dream I was making her go to the emergency room. In real life I haven't done anything to get her any medical care for her memory problems and confusion.

You are really good at analyzing situations accurately. It sounds very likely that you are absolutely right. I feel pretty relieved when I process important things in my dreams. I feel more competent afterward. How's your son doing? I hope he's good.