Roll Call Four

I'm so sorry he let you down, Shay.

I don't think I'll feel better until I do something about it. It's hard because I was raised to respect parents and defer to them. Now it's like she's the child, and I'm the parent.

The dream was much longer than the brief bit I described. In the dream I'm at a stranger's house in Topeka. My mom somehow finds me there, and she tells me that the Internet is plotting against her. So, I said, "You're feeling paranoid?" And she nodded. That's when I noticed she'd shrunk.

He's convinced he tore his frenum while brushing his teeth last night. Yeah, I never heard of a frenum before either. It's that little bit of skin that connects your upper lip to your gums.

When he starts worrying excessively about bodily problems, it's usually a sign he's headed in a bad direction psychologically.

I hope everyone is doing good today. This was an amazing day for me. Some female neighbors that I have seen around the "hood" came over to my house yesterday and we got to talking. I was really afraid that I would do something that was unacceptable and be rejected, as my experience has been many times in the past. To my surprise, they absolutely loved me!!!

We had coffee and they loved my home and said "Where did you learn to decorate so well?" And I said, I just imagined the kind of house I wanted to live in, and I put the decorations that way. They were amazed. They said, "Your son is so handsome! His clothes are so stylish!" I said, "Thank you". Then they invited me to accompany them to an exercise class today. I was really afraid at first.

The exercise class is called "Zumba Dance". We went at 9:00 a.m. I was in my workout clothes. We entered a room with about 20 hispanic ladies (my neighborhood, like my husband, is exclusively Spanish) They began with really peppy salsa music. I copied what the teacher was doing. The girls who invited me were new at this too. We learned together.

It reminded me of P.E. class when I went to 6th grade. I just followed along. Before I knew it, the whole hour was over and I was still full of energy! I was really grateful to myself for qutting smoking cigarettes. The girls and I left. We spent an hour or so talking like friends, giggling etc. playing with eachother's sons. It was really good. We will be going every day, Monday through Friday. Like I said. I am glad that I still had hope. If I didn't have hope at all, I would have missed out on an amazing day. The future looks bright. Thank you Lord! The end.

I'm not surprised. You seem like a likable person. I'm glad you've met some new people and extended your social network.

Thank you very much for your kind words towards me Costello. I really hope and pray that your son is miraculously healed very soon. I am suffering from an exteme headache today, and it reminded me that physical pain, while not quite as tormenting to me as mental pain, is very painful anyways. I forgot about that since I had my babies. I would not wish either pain on my worst enemy, if I had one. The fear I had been struggling with earlier miraculously fled away from my heart and mind also, as a mighty hurricaine spends it's fury and then dies down. I am really learning to live life on life's terms. I know that I am not alone. Have a wonderful evening everyone, hope to see you soon my friends. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

it's been a while....

met with T today... walked out early from our session. told him he was aggravating me...

wrote him an email about how i get sexually aroused during therapy. we'll see how that plays out..

i'm overly annoyed today. i'm not sure why. i'm trying not to take it out on others.
there's positive things i could mention, but i don't feel like it. i just want to complain and snap at everyone. will try brushing the dogs after they eat their dinner. maybe that will calm me down.

Good to see you again, jD. I was thinking about you today, wondering how it was going.

Yeah, I have days like that. Hope the dogs help, and hope tomorrow's better.

Thank you. He got hired for a new job today. And they actually had him start working today. And he works all day - 8 am to 4 pm - tomorrow. He said he packed veggie burgers in boxes for shipping. I hope this job works out. If they're patient with him while he's learning, I know he'll do a good job and be fine.

Keeping my fingers crossed for your son's new job costello

I'm feeling very...IDK what the actual feeling is, but it's not pleasant. I've been naughty and spent the day cocooned in my bed instead of studying.

My GP rang today and said that my old pdoc was happy to take me back, so I don't have to go through the assessment process to see if I need a pdoc. I'm glad I get to see him again. I feel like he knows what he's doing, and he still holds some hope that something can help me whereas my last pdoc had given up on me. Hopefully I get an appointment soon.

Hope everyone is doing ok today

*Willow*

I didn't go to zumba class today. I was supposed but I stayed up really really late last night. I have only been sleeping about 2 or 3 hours a night for about 2 weeks. Then I will binge sleep and get all the rest I need. I have taken sleeping pills in the past, benedryl from Wal-mart, but I really feel like it's drugs and maybe I will become a drug addict and my whole life will be ruined. I don't want to take that chance. I will get some rest someday. I hope before Monday comes and Zumba comes by me again. I would like to be good at it. It was fun. Hope everyone is doing good today. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

You have to do that sometimes. It's okay.

Glad you get to see your old pdoc. Hope you get to talk to him soon.

He already wants to quit. He say he "doesn't want to be miserable at work." I told him it was a bit early to know if he'll be miserable.

He's working for a small local company which is all into natural and healthy foods. I think most of his coworkers are vegan. I guess that doesn't mean they'll be nicer or more tolerant, but maybe it will. Maybe they'll be patient.

I hope you get some sleep soon. It's so important. The Zumba class would be great too - both for the exercise and for the social contact.

I hope everyone's okay; I don't really have the concentration to post individualized responses to everyone's life situations.

Well, last night went really bad. Over the course of the day, the stress wore on me so much that I went totally psychotic. No hallucinations or delusions, but I couldn't think a single thing through to completion. Kept saying things that didn't make sense in the context of the conversation. Kept having suicidal thoughts for no reason -- I'm not sure if I was being manipulative in order to make him feel bad, because I really have no idea what was going through my head. I made him cry. Like, really hard. I've only ever seen him cry when the anniversary of his grandmother's death came up. So I know I said some things that were really cruel, but I'm not sure what. We somehow made up. But I feel really irritated because my brain went ****-tarded & I couldn't even manage to reach a sensible conclusion to the situation. :/

i admire lightbulb7 and anyone else who does group exercise! i would be so nervous in front of everyone. i only exercise at home. you are brave.

i am glad it is friday!! although i was rather entertained at work today. i am going to get all the housework done tomorrow, so on sunday i can sleep late, watch movies, and walk dogs.

hope everyone else has a great weekend!

JunkDNA,

It sounds as though, in both instances, You were just trying to get a rise out of him.

I'd be willing to bet that on some level...it worked.

-Fleeing Bellocq

Thanks Gr3tta, that means a lot to me. When I was young, I went to 6th 7th and 8th grade, and I was a cheerleader through all grades. I became head cheerleader in 7th grade and trained the newbies in 8th. I also wrote cheers for our school. I used to be very athletic in those days and I feel as though it has not been as high a priority in recent married life lol, perhaps adding to low self-esteem and depression etc. I hear the dopamine and seratonin levels can increase dramatically naturally when exercise is regular in one's life. I have felt a significant increase in my endurance as I have been just dancing with my children to some Israeli tunes we like on Xbox lately.

That is what probably gave me the confidence to take a leap of faith, go outside, and give life a try. A phoenix I hear, can rise from the ashes, and renew itself even from a burning death. Perhaps I could imitate one and see what the future holds. Thanks again my friend. I will be returning to class on Monday after a restful weekend with the family. I hope you are feeling better from yesterday my friend. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

I miss my nurse, won't ever see her again

disqusted with this fleshly body (this shell) i have to dewell in

wishing i could just go home

for i know that this earth is not my home and i am daily reminder of it

how i long for the day i cross the river

Why not?

I feel that way sometimes too, angel.

That was the end - so now I'm left alone, not that it really matters.

How can it be the end if the problem isn't solved yet? I'm sorry you're alone; I think that matters a lot.