Roll Call Four

Does that mean that you are no longer involved with the EIP team Kureha? You could still be able to get a CPN from the regular CMHT though, as it sounds like you find it helpful. Ask your pdoc.

I have had another lazy day. I have a party later that I decided today I wouldn't go to. I only know the host and she'll be very busy with hosting, so I'll have to talk to loads of new people, which I hate. Plus it's in an unfamiliar area to me, which is scary, so I'll have to phone and take a taxi on my own, which is also scary. I'd much rather hide in bed. But she just text me asking if I was still coming and I felt guilty and said yes. So now I have to get ready and do all these scary things I wish I wasn't such a scaredy cat!



*Willow*

My ex nurse came with someone a few times that was meant to be my new nurse.

Want to know what she said to me on Thursday - that I'm faking it.
So I called yesterday to cancel.

I kept my appointment with the psychiatrist, but I haven't seen her yet, but since I'm not taking meds that will end.

Kureha, I have had that happen to me many times that they claim that I am faking or exaggerating. This is mainly the hospital that thinks that. They have idiot doctors over there. The reason is because I use medical terms. The thing is that I have had these problems BEFORE I read any of the medical terms.

Willow, you are so supremely brave. If I was facing the identical situation, I would also initially be terrified. I am really inspired by your courage.

Last week, I could have never imaginged that two girls would come over to my house uninvited, drink coffee with me, be nice and not cruel, invite me to a Zumba exercise class that I have never heard of, and I most certainly did not think in my wildest imagination that I would actually be able to not only survive these things, but also learn to enjoy them a little. Well, a lot. It was uncomfortable at times. I was paranoid at times. I talked myself out of it little by little using "common" sense. We here in this forum have been blessed with uncommon sense. True. But we can also learn to take advantage and become more familiar with the common kind.

When cars passed me, I naturally thought that there could be armed illuminati agents who had been following me from my house. I looked away. I stiffened my body to cushion the blow. Then I said....let me see who this bloodthirsty maniac really is. I want to get a good look at his face. I might as well before he kills me. What do I have to lose. Behold: It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was a young woman in her mid 20s, with two young girls in easter-like dresses. They were playing with a big bird stuffed animal and holding a macdonalds drink cup.

They were in a minivan for their family. I thought it had been an assault vehicle. I was wrong. I concluded, that if my perceived fears are wrong, at least in this case, it proves that it is possible. I suspect this can be true for others as well. I hope you have a wonderful time at the party and that everyone realizes what a brave wonderful human being you actually are. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

Kureha and Firebird- the reason people say this is because they cannot and do not believe that a schizophrenic is an actual living, breathing, thinking, absolutely brilliant creature. They have labled this such illness with only failure, violence, frustration, and incomprehension. Once you realize the lies that they believe influences their behavior toward you, don't react with the hurt feeling they have caused. This will only cause more confusion.

Instead, rise above it. Believe in your heart that you acually are a majestic creature, capable of success. When you know this, reject all doubt that you are a human being who is also worthy of time, attention, and appreciation. You know how hard you work to understand others.

If they can't spend a moment of their time to do the same for the people they are paid good money to care for, they should be fired. This behaviour is a flaw that humans have. I had to overcome this too. Once you realize this, all of your enemies will be put to shame. Your friend, Glinda Gail

She is the only person that has said that to me, she is trying to turn my parents against me and it's working.

I'm just going to isolate myself from everyone - they all seem to hate me, so it's not like anyone will care.

Then hopefully it will happen soon, because I'm to much of a coward to do it myself.

I think people will care if you isolate yourself. It's also not healthy to isolate. As difficult as other people can be sometimes, we need them.

I'm sorry that the nurse said that Kureha. Unfortunately there are bad nurses, same as there are bad pdocs. When I was nearly catatonic I had a nurse scream at me for "being rude" and not answering her, and that I had to "pack it in" (faking being catatonic that is). I don't remember much from that time but I do remember that. I also had a nurse deny my feelings, like she knew how I felt better than I did!! I got a new nurse anyway. Ask for a new nurse Kureha. My last 2 (both men) have been really nice, so there are nice ones out there.

Thanks for the support lightbulb. It's quite embarrassing now looking back on how terrified I was about the party, when I actually had a good time and it wasn't nearly as scary as I'd imagined. I know it never is, yet I still get in such a state before these things. The people at the party were all really extroverted and so really easy to talk to, and we played Just Dance on the wii which kind of broke the ice. It was fun and I'm glad I saw my friend (though we didn't really get a proper chance to talk) as I hadn't seen her for the year and a half I lived at home, which is a long time!

*Willow*

I'm hanging in over here. Dunno how I'm actually doing though. Things are going okay, but I feel really disconnected. No big deal. Still feeling weird after that fight I had & I think I might have become superficially infatuated with someone who isn't him. It's confusing. I hope all of you will cheer up soon despite your ****** situations.

WeepingWillow23, I feel for you. I also had someone claim that I was faking catatonia. Although mine was mild, this jerk actually said, "snap out of it!" He worked at the mental health group that I go. I only saw him once. He was nasty. Rude. I think one of the reasons is he was in the military and treated his patients like soldiers. I was expecting him to tell me, "drop and give me 50 pushups!" I hope and PRAY he treated others like that because then it was just targeted at me. He also was yelling at me. I was terrified. I felt like reporting him.

not a word to be spoken here

My mechanic thinks my new radiator thermostat is fine but I want him to change it again anyway because I feel the radiator fan goes on too much. I have a feeling he thinks I'm off the wall.

Sometimes my perceptions (i.e. thermostat and mechanic) can be way off and other times it's like I'm psychic, it's scary.

I'm sorry that you had to go through something similar FireBird It's terrible! They get away with it too because we're not in a position to complain about it. I didn't tell my parents what had happened (because I was nearly catatonic and so wasn't talking much) until I got better, but because my memory of the whole time is so fuzzy I have no idea which nurse it was or anything to make a complaint. And anyway I feel like it's my word against theirs, and no-one will believe a crazy person over a nurse...

I'm sorry that you're feeling disconnected Shay I'm like that too at the moment. I think it's because of all the stress of moving and being at Uni and meeting new people. Sometimes I find it feels horrible and other times, like now, I don't mind it so much. I can't really cope with feeling stressed on top of everything else so it's nice that I don't have to right now. My mum thinks I do it consciously though - she keeps saying that I have to stop it and "feel my feelings" to move on, but I don't know how to ground myself out of this. It always goes away as mysteriously as it arrives.



*Willow*

Thank you, Willow.

I might have found a culprit for my feelings of malaise & not wanting to do anything... My medicine for joint pain/migraines has a secondary SSRI effect. So I guess my body has become dependent on that effect & doesn't want to do anything unless I have it. It's going to be a difficult week, trying to retrain my body not to want that medicine anymore, but it'll be worth it. Going to get the sam-e from GNC on Friday to see how that'll work for me... It'll basically do the same thing this medicine has been doing. Provided it actually works on me. My fingers are crossed!

Still not doing well about that infatuation thing... But that's something I'm going to have to navigate on my own.

had a good day today!
hope others will have a great tomorrow!

All day long I am feeling like I'm in a dream world. Nothing feels real. Is this real? I have no control over my body right now. Things seem out of place, even some of the pictures I drew looks a little different than I remember. The trees have animal patterns in the leaves. Actually one across from where I live has a rat face on it and as you know about the rats. Yesterday I saw bats and birds inside leaves. The birds are flying for me. Is there any consequences to my actions? Is this real life? Last night I had voices of a beep followed by messages. The thing is I am in my room and wasn't checking messages. It was just playing for most of the night for no apparent reason. My dreams and real life is just blending together. I pinched myself and really didn't feel anything. The sky looks weird. Swirling colors as I walk. I HATE October. This is usually my worst month mentally. I have been sleeping for weeks. I mean I have 0 energy. Barely enough to walk. Even the energy drinks don't work. The tiredness is just too severe. When I look down, my back cracks. I feel a pop. I am having a nice massage this week if not canceled. Even though right now the voices and noises are minor I hope it stays like that. Tomorrow I am seeing my exciting psychiatrist. I don't like going to her. Sometimes she is great though and goes out of her way to help me, while other times she accuses me of all kinds of things. And what I hate, is that when I am experiencing stress she basically says, "it is what it is and get over it."

Shay & Firebird

Glad you had a good day Gr3tta

Tuesdays are my days of philosophical and waffle-y lectures. I don't like them. I just don't get philosophy. We were discussing determinism and free will today. Clearly there is some element of both in our lives, so why the huge debate about it?! It makes me feel stupid that I don't 'get' it. Also wondering about our existence and what's real really freaks me out. I get all paranoid and start ruminating on what is real, and how can we know, and just doubt everything. It's not good. The only way I've found to stop it is to just refuse to think like that. I just don't understand how people can think these huge questions and not go nuts! Maybe my brain just doesn't work that way?

I have biological psychology tomorrow which is fine as it's stuff I've covered before doing medicine. At least there's one subject that I know I can do! And then I have a four day weekend The funfair is in town tomorrow until Sun and I want to go (when it's quiet so either Thurs or Fri daytime). Trouble is my housemate is working every day this week so I can't go with her, and I have no-one else to go with. It'll be depressing to go on my own... I'll have to pluck up the courage to ask some people on my course if they want to go eek! Wish me luck!

*Willow*

oooh! good luck willow! i am confident you will find some others to go with you.

i am trying to think of something interesting to make for dinner. i am not getting along with food very well lately.

Did you find something nice to eat after Gr3tta? I've gone off food lately too. Probably my new antidepressant, but it's a good thing as I want to lose the stone and a half I put on with my last antidepressant! Lost half a stone so far which is good.

My housemate and I are going to go to the funfair after she finishes work tomorrow And I've arranged to go to dinner with 2 girls off my course, so I'm slowly starting to make friends, which is a relief

Hope everyone else is doing well

*Willow*

we agreed to disagree, and i made soup while my wife made herself eggs. i hate eggs, and she hates some of the things i put in the soup.
i struggle with ed's, and sometimes i'll see things in my food (like bugs) that makes it impossible to eat it. but sometimes i think i do it on purpose, too? one time as a kid, my mother accidentally served barley with maggots, or some kind of meal worms in it. she just didn't see them at first. if i want to restrict my eating, all i have to do is picture that bowl of food with the bugs in it, and i instantly see them squirming around on my plate. i might think they're probably not there, but i feel like i can't be sure. i don't really know. it's confusing.
i'm so glad you found companions for the fair and for dinner! i hope you had lots of fun.

Gr3tta

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I don't have an ED but I definitely have disordered eating at times. When stressed or to punish myself I sometimes restrict my food intake to regain some control. I've done it since I was a little kid and it's a hard habit to break. My housemate is nagging me about eating at the moment. She says I'm not eating enough but I think that I am. I'm not really skipping meals (sometimes breakfast as the thought of food makes me nauseated) and I think my portion sizes are fine. Even though I've gone off food due to my new med, I'm still forcing myself to eat so I don't see what all the fuss is about. IDK

My housemate bailed on the funfair She's not feeling well and is stressed about work and some family stuff. I understand why she wouldn't want to go but I'm a bit disappointed.

I'm meeting with a mental health support worker at my Uni tomorrow, which I'm a bit nervous about, just because I don't know what to expect. I'm also stressing about seeing my pdoc on Monday. I don't know what to say to him about how I'm doing. Every time I start seeing him again there's this big thing. Like the first time I saw him I had psychomotor retardation, and the second time I told him I was hearing voices...I feel like this time it's pretty insignificant so I have nothing to complain about...IDK...

*Willow*

I sometimes restrict my intake to feel control, though it's usually wanting to lose weight. I've got a history of having a black hole for a stomach so it feels nice when a small meal makes me so full I'm nauseated. Lol though sometimes it happens unintentionally... I don't think there are bugs on my food, rather I see/smell it moulding or going stale even if it hasn't. It really screws with me.

Uhhhh, don't know what to say about how I've been doing lately. Just going with the flow.

Still dreaming along. I slept 16 hours last night and still feel tired. I haven't been awake. I am not a danger to myself or others, but my psychiatrist a couple days ago threatened being put in the hospital for no reason. Energy drinks don't work. Reality. What is that anyways? Something is draining my energy. I have a show this weekend and if I do well that would be breaking news around the world. I had a massage yesterday! Realism. I don't like being in touch with reality because reality is so depressing. Something needs to be done before next week. Everything itches. Crawling hair. I love my cute bird who I feel so close to. Boy is he cute.

FireBird I hate it when you sleep and sleep and yet still feel exhausted I'm sorry that pdoc threatened you with the hospital. Good luck with your show!



*Willow*

Hi guys, checking in after a little while off. I have been working with some suppressed emotions lately like anger and depression and hopelessness. Me and my mom had a fight and as of right now "we don't have a relationship". She blocked me on facebook even. This has bothered me, but I continue to go to Zumba every day with my little sister.

I listen to the music that I used to like when I was growing up like Green Day and Nirvana and Jewel. I put a picture of myself from first grade on my refrigerator. I am personalizing my car with the music I like and pictures that make me smile. This has helped me to "come back to myself" so to speak. I have been lost and someone else has been running my life for about 14 years. It all happened when my dad went to prison and my mom blamed me. From that point, I steadily declined in my identity. I took the blame, and it was killing me.

Now I'm on the road to recovery. With or without mom, which she says without. No bother. I will go it alone. I always have. Its a skill and a curse at the same time. I have been working on my social skills lately, and I have even made new friends at dance class every day. Sober life is looking up for me. Hope everyone else is having a good day~ Lightbulb7