Roll Call Four

Doing alright, sorta. Not psychotic or anything. Might be a little manic. Violent **** is coming back, but my demeanor is eerily calm... Been posting over in the psychforums ASPD sub-section. They're a funny lot, for the most part. An ample distraction for when I need it.
Stopped taking the Risperdal even occasionally. I only took it maybe 6 times & I gained a considerable amount of weight. Probably because it made me so lazy I couldn't exercise & increased my appetite. Ah well! I have Ativan to combat the panicky paranoid spells. And my first therapy visit is coming up on Monday... Not sure how that will go. I think I'll lose it if I have some dumb woman sitting in front of me, asking me how I feel & "mhm"ing a lot.

Can I grumble about my son?

My cat Linlin knocked my phone into the tub yesterday morning. It took the whole day to get the service transferred to a new phone. (No one tell me about putting the old phone in rice. Everyone has already told me that. It was an old $40 phone. I bought a new $40 phone. )

So, the whole day I'm imagining that my son may be calling or texting me and getting paranoid that I'm not responding to him. At about 6 I called from the landline and left him a voice mail telling him my cell wasn't working. I knew he was working until 6:30. Maybe I should have waited, but it's very common for him to call me to decompress right after getting out of work. I was hoping to avert some stress by letting him know to call the landline. I was afraid if I didn't call him when I was thinking about it, I'd forget it. And I can't send a text from the landline, of course.

So, he calls me after he gets off work and tells me that I ruined his perfect day by calling him. When his phone rang a trainer "looked at" him. And he had to leave the room to turn it off, because if they get their phones out at work, they'll be fired.

WTF! Is this my fault? Doesn't everyone who carries a cell phone know that you turn it off or put it on silent in situations where you don't want it to ring?

I told him that most people who have their phone at work but who aren't allowed to receive calls put it on silent. They don't rely on the whole world to know their work schedule and refrain from calling during those hours. Well, I shouldn't have said that! God! I got a 10 minute rant on how I think he's so stupid that he expects everyone to know his work schedule. Of course, I didn't mean that. It was sarcasm which I seldom use particularly not with him because he doesn't get it (or at least he pretends not to get it - a few minutes later he acknowledged that I was feeling like he was blaming me for something that was his fault - not insuring that his phone didn't ring at work. Then, of course, he had to go off on the thing where he talks about how he 'messed up' and 'made a mistake' and now everything is ruined. So I had to spend the next half hour reassuing him that everyone makes mistakes - including leaving their cell phone on when it should be off.)

I just don't think it's fair that I be blamed for something I didn't do (leave the phone in a condition to ring at work), especially because I was trying so hard to do something right. My son has a long history of shifting blame to others for his own "mistakes." It's always someone else's fault. I think it's just too much for him to think he might have made even a tiny, tiny mistake.

Wow, this sounds just like my brother used to be Costello! I can just hear the conversations with Aaron about things exactly like this! You are a wonderful mother and you did nothing wrong! He would complain if it were the other way around, perhaps there are not many people in his life that he trusts like you, so in a way you are his significant other. You will get his grief because you are the closest person to him. You know you did nothing wrong Costello, he is lucky to have such a caring Mom. Hopefully he will come around and apologize, or at least concede and not bring it up anymore.

He might have just got a bit stressed and took it out on you instead

I need this - although Wright 5 would be better though, not available yet though, just without.

Costello, I don't know how you can get someone to claim their own responsibility to particular events that they played a part in when they shift it onto others.

I remember when I was a kid I was forever protesting when I got into trouble, as most kids do, but for me I never seemed to do things right no matter what. Either I didn't do it right, I forgot something or I didn't think ahead. It just wasn't good enough and it ate away at me every time. Sure it was my screw up but I still protested because I didn't want to acknowledge again that I was incompetent. I don't know if I blamed others for my mistakes but I know I had a hard time accepting each and every mistake because it just made me feel worthless as a person. And on those very rare occasions when I did seem to manage to do the slightest bit of right it was if the gates of heaven opened up. All children crave the affection and praise of their parents which I rarely got but on those rare occasions when it did happen (sans affection) it gave me a glimmer of hope that I have the propensity to do good things. But alas, that feeling was always short lived because my mother would just complain about something else. I had terrible self esteem issues growing up but thanks to therapy I no longer feel this way.

Perhaps your sons self esteem is playing a particular role in his reactions as he can't deal with the fact he can mess up; making him look like a f***up therefore shifting the blame to others. Or perhaps he feels he doesn't personally have control of the events that occur in his life; a learned helplessness, therefore perhaps why he blames others.

There is a name on my friend list on facebook - I don't know him and I didn't add him, it's deactivated - it must have been when the police hacked me ffs.

I think this is my son's issue. Just my best guess, of course, since I'm not in his head. I don't remember if I created the impression he had to be perfect when he was a kid. I hope I didn't. It's really hard remembering back that far, and it's so easy to start distorting memories when you start rummaging around in the past. And even if I had a recording of everything I ever said or did, I still wouldn't know how he was reacting to whatever I was saying or doing.

It just feels like sometimes no matter which way I step, there's a potential landmine waiting for me. It can be paralyzing. If I hadn't called and left a message and he'd been trying to reach me, it's highly likely he would have been paranoid, thinking I was deliberately ignoring him.

That's a possibility too. I think the first guess is the better one. He forgot to put the phone on silent, then when it rang he felt like an idiot. But instead of shrugging it off and thinking, "Oh, well, we all make mistakes, and this is the first time it's happened at work," he blamed the person who called him - me!

His self-esteem definitely needs a huge boost. And he has to let go of this need to do things perfectly. This morning he suddenly jumped up and said, "Oh, I started smoking before I started the coffee!" Then he said, "I know what you're going to say, but is it okay that I forgot to start the coffee before smoking? It isn't going to mess everything up, is it?"

I told him, of course, that it doesn't matter. And he said that if he can get past this kind of thinking it would be a great help. But I just don't understand where it comes from. I know I never told him to make coffee before smoking! That's all him.

I've had that happen to me too. I'm not sure why that happens. Maybe one of my friends got a virus or was hacked? Or maybe they changed their name then deactivated their account?

I don't keep close track of my fb friends, though. I have lots of friends I don't know IRL, because I used to play a couple of games that required friending other people who played those games. After I stopped playing the games, I kept a lot of the friends I made that way. If their accounts get fouled up, I might not remember whose account it was.

Is one of your friends missing? Maybe they were hacked or got a virus?

He actually did acknowledge it wasn't my fault. Not sure that's a good thing either, because then his stress builds up and he gets angry about something that seems totally unrelated.

He's aware too that when he does things like this, it makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells, and I start avoiding initiating any interaction with him for fear it will blow up in my face.

I think it's worth exploring the kinds of things cyber mentioned. I mean I'm sorry if somehow I made him think he always screws up - to the point that he has to deflect blame in order to avoid feeling shame. It just isn't something I can bring up with him. He needs to explore these kinds of things with a therapist, I think. And his current therapist (who he hasn't seen in over a month because of his job) doesn't work that way.

No one is missing so I don't know - but the police did really hack me, because of the nurse before Summer - it's very depressing, it's not the thing I want to think about.

That's too bad about the police hacking you. That shouldn't be allowed.

[QUOTE=costello;2796779]I think this is my son's issue. Just my best guess, of course, since I'm not in his head. I don't remember if I created the impression he had to be perfect when he was a kid. I hope I didn't. It's really hard remembering back that far, and it's so easy to start distorting memories when you start rummaging around in the past. And even if I had a recording of everything I ever said or did, I still wouldn't know how he was reacting to whatever I was saying or doing.

There's the saying... damned if you do, damned if you don't.

This goes back to self esteem issues as well as some anxiety and OCD, but mind you I'm not an M.D. But maybe he sees himself as imperfect; that somehow he is broken because of his illness or otherwise. I think your son should actively try to get in to see his T because he's been without therapeutic support for over a month. I'm not saying that you are not supporting him, I'm saying there is just so much support you as a family member can provide. Has your son called his T to see if a time schedule can be worked out?

Yep. I had a dream last night that my son overslept and got up at 4:14 pm. He blamed me for letting him sleep so late. In the dream, I was thinking that if I woke him up, I might catch hell for that too.

Yes, we've talked about it actually. He's mentioned that he thinks it would help if he could get in to see her. He was going to see if he could get an 8 am appointment, but he forgot to call. He could make it to work in time if he sees her at 8. After training is over, he'll be working 11:30 am to 9:00 pm, so he could get see her a bit later - 9 am or even 10 am. It's a long drive to her office, and he stresses about any early appointments, because some nights he can't get to sleep. He likes to have the option of sleeping in if necessary. We both think it's worth making an 8 am appointment, even though he'd probably have to get up at 6 to make it there.

You mentioned that your son's therapist doesn't work that way. I'm not quite understanding of this. I'm trying to figure out exactly how this therapist works if exploring relationship or behavior issues aren't part of their therapy. I'm confused.

It's been a long time since I've been to one of their appointments, but I have the impression that she mostly keeps an eye on his state of mind and lets the pdoc know how he's doing. I don't really know what goes on there, but I think he just talks about what's going on in his life - what interests him. Sometimes he brings up what's troubling him, and she agrees that that must be hard. But I don't think there's any effort to resolve anything or come up with strategies or explore what might underlie the issues. I don't know how to explain it.

When I've had therapy on my own in the past, and when I went with my younger son, it felt like there was more feedback, even suggestions of what to do. You know? I saw a therapist when my son was a teen. It was helpful just to hear the therapist say, "Lots of people have this same problem." That alone was therapeutic. Then other times she'd suggest different ways of looking at things. Sometimes you get yourself kind of painted into a corner mentally. It helps to have a different perspective.

When I first met my son's therapist, I almost found it insulting that she just listened to him and agreed with everything he said - and that was it. Maybe it's different now. I don't know. I just sense she's there more to monitor him for the pdoc and to give him some relief by listening. There's nothing wrong with that, I suppose. But it seems to me the underlying assumption to that approach is maintenance not growth. JMO

I can't imagine her talking about whether his fear of criticism, need for perfection, etc., stems from his childhood and how being aware of that might help him move past those things into a healthier space.

Have you ever asked your son if he likes his therapist and whether he thinks she is helping him or not?

The psychiatrist told me that as I grow older, it's possible for me to have something from the "Schizophrenia family".

I ****ing knew it...

Read, "possible" not definite. And if so, it's not the end of the world or a death sentence although it may seem that way. So, pull up a chair and welcome to the schizophrenia forum.

i hate when therapists say "other people have what you are dealing with" or your not alone. it makes me feel like they are minimizing me as a person and putting me back into just with other people.

all my therepists i saw never helped me. i would just talk to them about daily going ons. which i figured i could do that with anyone.

its useless to me.
now this insurance care manager and my family is pushing for me to see a therapist. ITS NOT HELPFUL. and my pdoc pushed it too a couple of times. wtf are they gonna help me with? because besides whats going on with me - i never have and never will talk to those mofos about the big troubling stuff in my life. like stuff that i think about.

You can't be helped if you don't want to be. Half the battle is meeting your therapist halfway and the other half is allowing them to help you. It doesn't have to be difficult unless you want it to be. You're an adult, the choice is yours.

it doesnt mean its difficult because im making it. im not making. you see me at a therapist right now? i just said i dont goto those wackjobs anymore. did i not? at least did i not give off the impression that i dont?

that also doesnt mean i want to be helped. THERAPY IS NOT THE ONLY SOLUTION. wake up. smell something other than the coffee this morning.

sorry i got a little Pi**ed Off.
im sorry.
i always feel like people are after me.

I didn't take it personally, newtus, so no sweat. I have no intention of going after you. Never have never will. I share some of the same struggles as you so I just offered my different perspective so perhaps life would be less of a struggle for you. That's all.

thank you
i appreciate that