[whutnot]

my experience with thought insertion started in college. i have a room to myself. the walls are concrete but hollow enough to hear people talking from the next room. i locked myself in and smoked weed by myself. after a while people were talking about me trying to mess up my high. they were talking outloud through the window while i had my music up. but everytime i looked saw nothing. they were messing with me. they would walk by my room talking alot of trash in order to see if i would react. in order to see if i had enough heart to respond. i never did. so then i started being unsure of whether i heard them say something or not further enhancing my paranoia because i would hear them talking then lower down the tv to hear what they were saying. they picked on to it and started %#@&#! with me whenever i turned up my stereo then id turn it down nd hear niothing. this messed my head up because voices were faintly being formed through background noises at a distance which started groing in my head. hearing negative stuff for so long i stasrted forming negative thoughts in my head or they were being inserted because there were words i had never used before that i started hearing such as bashfull. i say shy i never used bashful. or "he has no energy left. he has no man power left. he has psychological energy" these are phrases i have never heard of in my life. i believe i got so mentally low because i lived a good 7 years of my life on the internet in chatrooms, talking randomly without using my voice, therefore losing my expressions as in laughter and such and there for making my thought patterns abnorm to the common people who grew up relating to people on a day to day basis. and also i think i might of lose my cabability to form thoughts in my head that sounds like me. instead its like im talking under my breath thinking im using my head but really im not. there fore making my thoughts louder than most bringing about thought broadcasting.
i damn near had a nervous breakdown when i felt like people were hearing my thoughts. when i would say some random %#@&#! through my head people would laugh and bang on the walls and i could of sworn when i said something to myself in my head like "oh %#@&#! wtf is happening to me" some one would walk past my door and say "whats wrong with kevin, he's thinking "oh %#@&#! wtf is happening to me" ..wtf is that %#@&#!? i could of sworn on everything i love.
i realize now that these past 10 years of shutting myself away from life and escaping to the internet, downloading music and being on chatrooms has scrambled the natural way my mind should have developed. i lost contact with people and i didnt realize why its hard for me to come up with something to say till now. i reealize that i lost my way. because im nigerian and lived a sheltered life but started hanging with hood niggas around the age of 18, changing how i talk and walk, always smoking weed and drinking, and getting put in my place, and not being able to get girls that the reason why i wasnt able to was because i lost my way. now in college i realize that i was supposed to be a white nigerian since i wasnt brought up in the hood and around older black people. i see now that i lost my ways. but then from me isolating myself in my room and smoking weed by myself and trying to ignore confrontation i have now lost my mind. i hear people in my mind talking %#@&#! saying "you ******, u lost ya ways, no girl wants you, you cant come back, "Ha Ha", your bashfull, your living the mental institution life, your not coming back, you were supposed to be a lady's man" ..i realized from me always being quiet in my room, that i started listening to closely to people in the room above me and faintly the voices got louder through time. and they knew this. they were trying to make me go crazy. criticizing my every word.
i realized that i wasnt supposed to be a gay man but a lady's man that went mental from not coming out to the world. now i keep hearing people say that i'm inverting myself, that theres no energy left in my body and in my mind..how can i get my mind back?

and i apologize for rambling in poor format but i have little time.
another thing i noticed is that when i am reading a book to myself i cant read it with my mind. i try to and it's like im forced to say it even with my mouth closed. its like i feel the words trying to come out from inside of me when i try to hear mysef read with my mind. its like im stopping my breathes. i asked somebody about this and they told me that they have a inner voice in their mind basically for reading as well as thinking to oneself. i dreadfully think i lost that voice in order to think correctly.
recently i been having this dreadfull feeling that i need to get something off my chest in order to just converse with some one but i never have anything interesting to say because sometimes my mind is always consumed with what people r saying even in my house. ever since i returned from college my own family have been constantly talking indirectly towards me but im so unsure if they are saying what they are saying. it's the weirdest coincidence that this occurred right after my terrible college experience. i can hear peoples thoughts. i try to think to myself but its not working i just hear there thought saying "why are you going phycho for?" even in the shower when i play music, im uncertain but, it seems my whole family is shouting at me saying "your such a gay actor, your a mental institute, acting like you dont hear, oh look at him get so emotional"..now ever since college i get emotional over the littlest thing that before college i never would. its hard to even have a conversation now without being teary eyed and unstable. something definately is not right with me.

[whutnot]

well..i feel like some one gives a damn..thanks

hey whutnot, sorry it took so long

sometimes when you first post on here it can take a little while to get found. I dont frequent this section much because I dont know too much about psychosis, but I did want to let you know I had read your post.

Keep posting, and leave this post here because someone will find it. The thing is, the smaller forums like this one or substance abuse for example don't get too too much action simply because there are only a few people who use them, and sometimes people get busy too.

Fear not, there is support here, sometimes it just takes a little while to get it at first

[omegapool]

What maybe people are waiting for is someone to answer you where it could help.I also started having problems after attending college.I also smoked the marijuana some when i was young,getting away from the crowd that uses such was best thing.Marijuana is a social event,try to see that it is not good stuff.it might help.Effects of drugs are usually not very good.I started hearing things right after I got my wisdom teeth removed.You might be hearing noises and your brain is interpreting them as human voices.I humm or something make my own noises to myself,it helps me.
I also thought people heard my thoughts.What i did was give them something interesting to listen too.I study a lot about sciences,math, electrical engineering,thinking these noises were externally induced on me,so I wanted to learn about analog communications.Those voices cant keep up with me when I'm reading advanced math or something.Just cope with it the best I can I guess.Do mantain a sense a humor about it.I understand my lack of relevance.
I finally got help,doctor put me on risperdal.It helped to almost eleminate the voices but had terrible side effects.Now taking geodon with not much problems.The biggest problem is remembering all the pscho pain and some physical that I went through.
Get help from a professional early please.Went 25 years before I got help.Not a good thing.

[Eleora]

Whutnot-have you ever been to see a psychiatrist?

I definitely know how scary it is to hear voices and be paranoid. I've lived the last year like that. I don't know what help I can offer, other than to say you have my support, and if you ever need to rant, I'll be here.

[MMJM]

Hi Whutnot,
Thanks for being patient. I am still learning my way around different areas. There is help and we are here. I am some where between pshychotic, bipolar, and PTSD.
Sometimes I think other people's stories can let us know we are not alone. In my case I became the people in a movie and feeling everything going one, see the interstate in total fames, and hearing voices was very scary, to say the least. I have been with my psychiartrist and therapist. It takes a while to find the right meds, but stay the course. There is hope and againg we are here!!!!

MAY4LADY

[walkswithspiritbear]

Hi Whutnut and welcome to PC YOU will find support of great people here. Yes sometimes it can take awhile and sometimes someone just doesn't know what to say so they come back again at a later time... Keep posting someone will understand what you are going through and many will care.. sending gentle hugs to you whutnut.. linda

[CompGeek]

The first thing that i would suggest is kick the weed habbit if you haven't already done so. Cannibis is a psychoactive drug which is believed to be a contributing factor to the emergence of schizophrenia. Also something to reasearch is Have any of your close relatives ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia. The fact that you know about Thought insertion and thougth broadcasting lead me to believe that you have done some reasearch on schizophrenia, so that is definitly a good thing. If I were you I would also talk to a psychologist about all of this, because to me, it does sound like you have a mild form of schizophrenia, namely Paranoid Schizophrenia. It appears to me, from what you have written, that you are having audio hallucinations... If you haven't already please see a psychologist....

Hope this helps some,
Jason

[eye_is_james]

hi, all.

i must say that the evidence linking pot and psychosis is inconclusive at best. in the uk, cannabis use has increased greatly in recent yrs, while incidences of schizophrenia/psychosis have not.

it is a chicken and egg scenario and one must ask, are pot smokers more likely to become schizophrenic, or are schizophrenics/psychotics more likely to toke?

feedback?

peace b upon ye all...

[brokenthoughts]

I used to smoke marajuana, too, and now I also hear and see things. It also happened to my best friend. canabis psychosis. it sucks. good luck with everything, whutnot.
I hope the best for you

[CompGeek]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
eye_is_james said:
hi, all.

i must say that the evidence linking pot and psychosis is inconclusive at best. in the uk, cannabis use has increased greatly in recent yrs, while incidences of schizophrenia/psychosis have not.
it is a chicken and egg scenario and one must ask, are pot smokers more likely to become schizophrenic, or are schizophrenics/psychotics more likely to toke?
feedback?
peace b upon ye all...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is exactly correct it is a chicken and egg scenario it is only a correlation which is why I said that it may increase the likelihood of the onset of schizophrenia... It really isn't a weak correlation either it is like r = .8, which is a pretty significant correlation....

[Fire_and_Muffins]

i'm so sorry to hear that you lost yourself.. your posts was one of the first ones i read when i found this place, and i identified with you so much that i decided i had to get some help, and i think you should too, although i know its really hard. i havent yet either. i know exactly what you mean about the thought insertion and broadcasting... and your mind constantly being filled with thoughts of self doubt and analysis and all that negative stuff.. when i started going crazy, it was a few nights after i had gotten dosed with 7 hits of acid by a guy who then raped me, and i was obviously feeling pretty low and messed up.. i told one of my closest friends about what happened, and she made me feel better, but i was still in a sort of terrified and suicidal funk.. i couldnt sleep that night, so i smoked a few pipeloads of weed and hoped that would calm me down so i could get some rest and feel better.. like with you, it really didnt help.. i started looking over my life, searching for meaning, trying to remember what i had been like before this happened and trying to figure out how i felt, and why, and what other people might do in that situation.. i looked over my whole life and came to the conclusion that i was and had always been incredibly strange and i couldnt believe anyone had ever liked me.. and that i made terrible decisions and had to start smartening up becuase it was my fault and i brought everything bad that had ever happened to me on myself, so from then on, whatever i thought about doing, i should do the exact opposite.. and that was a really bad idea.. things spiralled downhill from there to the point where i could no longer talk to people, and i took everything anybody said personally, like they knew something i didnt, or they could read my thoughts, and i never knew what to say.. whatever i said would sound crazy.. and i hated myself for going crazy, and i was going crazy from hating myself.. i totally lost any image of who i was or how i felt after a while.. the only emotions i ever felt were anxiety and sadness.. whenever i thought about "what might i normally do in this situation? what would a normal person do?" i would just get more paranoid and introverted.. the only thing i could think of was whatever was going through my mind at the time, and i sounded totally incoherant because my thoughts were always scrambled, and i would be trying to control my thoughts, but they'd go off in odd directions, trying desperately to understand the situation and what was happening to me.. then i'd get worried about what others thought of me.. viscious cycle.. i felt like i could read other people's thoughts but really i think it was just my paranoia telling me that they were judging me and trying to tell me how to think or how i m supposed to act.. and i thought they could hear my thoughts too, but that's only because i was vocalizing them like you were.. of course i was baked out of my skull that first night, and i've learned not to trust drug-induced revalations.. they're not real.. and people out there are going to %#@&#! with you because they're assholes and they dont realize that their actions actually affect other people. just try not to take it personally. it doesnt matter what other people think, as long as you dont get yourself down about it. i'm sorry to hear about you losing touch with yourself, and your roots, but all is not lost. remember, if you feel like you've got nothing, and you've hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up! it might take some time, but you have to have a little confidence in yourself, and try to be what you want to be. it was ages before i felt like being social again, and enjoying things that i used to like, and i kind of found myself again after a few months i think, but it is possible to feel good about yourself again, or make yourself somebody you like, if you want to make some changes in your life i'm so sorry you had to go through that, but i think it had a lot to do with the weed. i dont know what to tell you about the voices, other than simple things like counting to myself or listening to music or going for jogs or doing other things to occupy my mind helped after a while. its hard to kind of break out of that shell, but just give yourself other things to think about and it wont be so bad, maybe... i'm sorry, i wish i could help, but i'm still struggling with my own demons, and obviously i have no idea what i'm talking about. i dont really know anything about schizophrenia or psychosis, but i think i know somewhat what you're going through, and i think you should look at getting some help.

and know that we really do care about you, too i didnt reply when i first read your post becuase i just didnt know what to say, and i knew i couldnt help.. but i hope you're feeling better finding support from people here if you ever want to rant incoherantly, i love to listen, and if i can help i'll certainly try

take care of yourself

:: hugs! ::

kate