Roll Call Eight

AD I hope your pdoc appointment goes well today. Are you doing ok today?

pdoc says I can go down to 2.5mg of abilify tonight, yay. Also we briefly discussed Agnes's Jacket a book I told him was a little bit anti-psychiatry because it covers psychiatric survivors, he actually wants to read it...so progressive. Anyway, yay---don't have to see him again until November.

I'm okay insofar as I'm coping okay. Still struggling though. Thank you(and everyone else) for caring, I greatly appreciate it.

Sometimes psychotic, that's ****ing awesome! I hope it goes well, I'm rooting for you!

I hope the meds being upped can help you sleep, I know insomnia sucks. I've been struggling with it lately too. I spend a lot of time isolated in my bedroom too, it helps when things are just too much. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Thanks although I just realized this means I'll be at 2.5mg for the next three months because we didn't discuss tapering further----I was too focused on the immediate win, maybe I'll have to give him a call half way through?

First happy B-day . Second three kids is a huge accomplishment I'm 38 and no kids nor are they likely to be forthcoming even one would be overwhelming for me. All I have is my job and that could change at any moment, kids are permanent more or less once you factor out the years of teen angst so be proud of what you have created.

Happy b-day, Cracking.

I sure hope the up in your meds will help. I can't imagine going that long without sleep! I do hope you get some good sleep very soon. Hugs!

Nope, no cake. Just another day of work. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Happy Birthday Cracking Slowly!

I hate birthdays cracking, and it sounds like maybe you do too. So I will just wish you a happy Tuesday! I hope you have a great day today - and that you wind up happy that you got out from under the covers.

I got the word I did well on my big scary test today! Next, step 2. (Not sure how many steps there are, but its several, so not going to get happy yet)

Yes I do hate my birthday because I'm reminded of all the things I've NOT done in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful & blessed to have my 3 kids. That's all that's good in my life besides the cats & dog. But I just never thought I'd end up like "this" at 41. Half my life is gone with zero to show for it. Heck I don't even own a house & the truck I own is broken down & not worth fixing. I just feel like I keep going back to square one. Like a hamster in a wheel running & running but never getting anywhere! I just feel depressed today. Yucky feeling!
That's awesome news on your test! Congrats!

I am 35 and wonder the same thing about my life. What have I done? Not much but suffer a lot. I did manage to finish high school and get into university. My work history isn't worth mentioning, which is an issue I need to address soon. I have been on disability for 16 years and my goal is to get off it.

All I can do is keep going.

I wish I had something to say that would help ease your feelings.

I'm sorry you suffer with the same feelings as I do. I know that you are right. All we can do is keep going and keep trying. Never give up! I know I have to be that good example for my kids. No matter what goes on inside my head I've still got to put this "mask" on & pretend that I'm ok with life. I know I should stop whining today & just be thankful. I do know that my life could be a lot worse. Ten years ago it was pretty bad. At least I can function today. Back then I couldn't even do that. I should be proud of myself for pushing on thus far. I've got to change my thought patterns today.

Doing a bit better since coming out of hospital

So glad to hear that you are doing better. Hang in there! Hugs coming your way!

I confess myself perplexed by these roll call threads.

I feel like we just started this one. It's already 50 pages long. Am I that out of it or do we just all talk a lot?

Atypical: I think we just talk a lot! Sorry that you're still struggling

Noodlzzz: Glad you're doing better and out of the hospital

Cracking: Happy birthday! I think you've accomplished a lot: you're able to work, you've got 3 wonderful kids, and pets, and you just keep trying even though it's a struggle. I really admire you for that!

Gr3tta: Congrats on doing well with your test

Cyber: I hope your stress levels reduce now that you've made a decision about the move

I'm pretty sure that I've forgotten somebody, but this thread sure has moved a lot today! So apologies and for anyone I accidentally missed.

Mum has talked me into going back home Friday until my pdoc appt in September. She's going to attempt to pry me from my bed each day and take me out of the house. I know she is trying to help, but I don't want to leave my bed. It's safe and outside is scary, and I'm so depressed right now. I know that lying in bed doing nothing is probably making it worse, but it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything right now. Uni says that I can postpone the exams if I need to, which relieves some stress. But I've got to talk to my housemate about why I'm going home so soon and for so long (we've both been ignoring the 2 elephants in the room - mine and her depression - and pretending we're both fine). And I've got to email my voluntary placement with some excuse as to why I'm going to miss a few weeks, baring in mind that I've only just started and they're going to think that I'm the most unreliable person ever Plus there's my disability review paperwork to fill in, which takes AGES and makes me feel like ****

Apologies for the pity party

*Willow*

We talk a lot----I think its great

Willow: I know exactly how you feel. I have had to force myself to stay out of bed. In a way maybe it is good your mom is going to be prying you out each day. I wonder if the depression is something your pdoc should know more about?

ive been taking xanax to sleep away my troublesz. if i dont ill end up killing myself or someone else.
but i dont want to realy. i really dont.

its impulsive. i think about them and then say "no i dont want them becuz i hate sleeping".....and before i know it im on my knees by my desk and have slammed the pill bottle on the desk....where however many fall out i scoop from the edge of the desk into my mouth while on my knees...and my mouth on the wood lining of the desk...and chugged a mouthful of water...in 3 seconds flat.

it happens so fast that it seems like it didnt even happen. like maybe i just dreamed it?

and then i "wake up". and i ask myself why am i on my knees in front my desk?.."what just happend".

for a split second i have no clue
and then i remember...
and within minutes i know its not a dream because my body becomes jelly. i feel like im walking on a cloud. like im invincible and can fly and run into traffic and not get hurt and control weather and peoples mind and speak to jesus and become a mathematical genius - ALL while knowing im beig followed by the government mafia that has made plans since 1990 to assassinate me. and so on...

Pdoc at one random moment blurted out "you're happy" during session today like it was shocking. I can't help but wonder if I was really that happy or if my emotions have just been blunted by the meds in the past. Did not have the guts to ask. Maybe next time.

I'm really ashamed of myself. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out. I hate this. Trying to talk just embarrasses me more so why do I keep trying? Why am I so stupid?

I have to get up early tomorrow because I have to go get a cavity filled. I've been having a really hard time with taking care of myself lately so yeah. I hate that it's so early in the morning. As per usual I can't sleep when I have something to do the next day so here I am wide awake and I have to be up in 6 hours.

@ Atypical: I'm sending hugs your way! I've got to get up early tomorrow too & am very tired right now but can't sleep either. I feel your pain!

I was asleep for two hours now I'm wide awake so I'll join the can't sleep club, luckily all I have tomorrow is work without an early meeting plus the boss is out of town so I can creep in a little later if need be.