Roll Call Twelve

newtus, I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm just merely trying say it's not all schizophrenia even though that's your final diagnosis. A lot of mental illnesses share the same symptoms but are not the same. And I know you know this.

Try to focus on getting your symptoms under control and not the label.

getting back to wht i was saying...

its not black friiday anymore

BUT i got up 2am. at best buy by 3pm.

waited all day in line to get the new Xbox ONE.

but guess what tho? i was (well my dad and i were) the FIRST people in line. when they handed everyone a ticket our said "TICKET #1". i was so excited but it was 20 degrees out.

they had limited quantity of the product so thats why they gave tickets. but they had rules for them. half the people who showedup in the line they left after given a ticket. BUT there were a lot of rules. one was that you only have 3 hours from getting the ticket to pick up the console. if you dont pick it up by then thenthey give your xbox to the general public.

yea its commonly know.

and now i just want to say something. kinda to everybody.
you know this whole thing about not looking or focusing on the label or stuff like that.

its very almost imposssible not to focus on it. cuz like me - for example - i need to be show social security administration my diagnosis. thats one thing. more would be like theres some support groups that are tailored to people with certain illnesses. in college certain disorders were able to get more help in college in general. i mean just on and on. i wanted to also do a clinical trial to make some money. but some they need ONLY people Sz.

the list goes on.
i personally in my opinion - i think it would be doing the consumer/patient a disservice for them not to know their label. disservice on many different ways.

thats just it.
im extremely skeptical to the mental health field.
none of them since i was 12 years old has ever helped my symptoms.

then i pose the question "what are these symptoms or what the f_k is wrong with me then?"

i started paying attention to my diagnosis last year. even though i had it seince i was 15 or 17. i want to knw why cant it be controled. whats making it uncontrollable.

i truly honeslty believe that you should use labels as a tool to manuever this system and to find what best works for you.

I agree.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that likes to use labels for everything and labels can be useful when needed but it seems to me that your focusing on the label first and with it has xyz symptoms and not looking at the symptoms independently of the label. I know all too well labels mean a lot when it comes to SSDI as I'm in the same boat as you, but for me, that's as far as that goes. I think if we keep getting stuck on the label and the symptoms we are suppose to have to fit that label then we will be forever stuck in this never ending cycle and will never find relief however small it may be.

I hope I'm making sense.

oh caause i posted what my records say?

all i said was that im sligghtly shocked. i couldnt get over it. its different seeing it on paper. AND the words they used to describe me.

thas all.

i acutally idk...i dont think im at a point in my life to just focus on the symptoms (i used PC cause i CAN talk abrout my diagnosis. YOU GUYS are the only people have to talk to compared to IRL. so i dump my sh_t here.) you know. i still dont fully accept my diagnosis completely. that why i was so schocked to see those papers.

Feel I may have embarrassed myself here last night. Glad to see I deleted everything, but realize deleting can be obnoxious too. If I annoyed anyone, I sincerely apologize. I was getting overwhelmed by a number of things. Feeling in somewhat better control tonight.

I understand where you are coming from and please don't stop sharing whatever you want to share here. I'm just sharing my perspective from the outside looking in. Sometimes we are knee deep in stuff we can't see anything else unless someone points it out. We're all here to support one another not hurt one another and my intention was to just give you a different perspective.

Your deletes don't show up, GR3tta. All is good.

I love gaming. I should qualify that, i love art design and game design , it interests me. Playing them not so much. I was a programmer before i got ill but i appreciate the beauty of games.

Personally the wii u interests me the greatest but the xbox one can produce some beautiful games.

Hope you enjoy it.

ive been hearing tons of voices and some seeing stuff.

idk if its due to me only getting 2-3 hours of sleep in past 48 hours or idk.
maybe medication too much of it makes things worse?
idk

but the voices were saying how they were going to hurt me. and called me a slut and *****.
one male voices said he was gonna call the cops on me. and just on and on with insults and threats.
um been seeing high activity of demonic forces in my house. which is scary.

The smell is quite distinct especially if the nails are cut after a long bath. It sort of reminds me of burnt hair.

All evening I have been hearing music, but it's a lot better than hearing voices being negative to me. I've been really paranoid lately and often times I will type out long responses in the quick reply space, but delete them. I don't delete them because I'm worried what people will think of me, I'm just paranoid of other sources that I feel could harm me.

a few:

is it not rare that i rhink my xanax (generic) makes me talk in word salad?

right now...like i feel very confused. and i have been walking and pacing the house for 2-3 months. talking about how partnering up in apprentice for the son and holy spirit and father . I woulda said something early i just thought it was a passing think.

aAND NOW...i get things but them somwhere and its only about 5 seconds - i cant find my stuff. and like my did...well...did i tell you guys that i into a minor car accident. i ran into a pole. TWICE. thats part of the reason for not driving.that and other people bother me looking at me on the highway outside out their window.

edit/// since im 120 now - im gonna get weight loss pills i found amazon..

i need to becareful

i actually feel very not good. and i cant tell but feeling have that im not making any sense. if i feel confused too...

not sure if i made try to make sense in the last posts.its like the air and tv is giving messages.

i just heard a man voice that i need to run and go back to africa. a womans voices was telling me all this sexual stuff

ive been on injceable meds since this past august or so. maybe sept of oct.
but anway the haldol - my bodu got used tp it and no long will it work. i dont sleep for days on it like i used to . i have negative symptons but positive is sill there too. and sort of bad since i confronted an elderely man in public that i didnt know asked him "am i on camera? cctv?" he said "no i hope not." but i didnt believe him and i still dont. then had a mild car collision because i was hallucinating.

all night today i just heard a group of women fidn me down and tlk about me. mayb even kill me. i hear them arguing in my vent. probably right about the house and they are tryin gto figure my way in.

i had male voices telling me how ugly i am.

then had androgynous creatures (demons) telling to away never turn back in here. subconciously somehow it got to me and i wanna run away far. or be in an Apt. and hide in there fro the rest of my life...

Newtus, Gr3tta & Medicalfox

I'm having a bad day today. Really low. I've been pretending quite well for a good few days, but I'm struggling today. Because the Drs dismissed my symptoms, I've been dismissing them too. I think maybe if I try hard enough I can dismiss them out of existence. That makes part of me very sad, but it's also mostly working. I've been doing scary things anyway, and keeping busy by helping my parent's with all the Xmas crap that needs doing. I've wrapped all my siblings presents for my parents, even though I hate wrapping, but I just pretend I don't mind it and get on with it. It's not working today, but I'm going to put a funny Xmas DVD on and hopefully pull myself out of it. Must try harder!

*Willow*

Everyone is having a hard time. Hugs to everyone.

I'm not great, either. Seems like a bad time. I have a good day then a bad day. I'm having a lot of irritability and racing thoughts. Just trying to keep my stress down.

Last week the radio had voices under the voices. It only would havppen when I was alone, so I couldn't ask anyone if it was the radio or me... but sometimes it was a woman's voice and sometimes multiple voices at once. All static sounding and unable to understand what was being said. I'm just going to say it was the radio and trying not to worry about it.

I keep having these huge anxiety attacks.

Looking forwaward to next week because I have 4 days off.... I need ab reak.

i was just looking at my last post. and i read it and it seems slightly incoherent.

but what is that could be affecting that. lack of sleep?
or maybe these medicines making me worse??!
i have this weird feeling that im taking so much medicine that its not helping the symptoms buut making them worse...

Spoke to an old woman I thought was a stalker, don't think she was though. So I educated her about gang stalking don't think she got it though.

They did something to me because something flashed in the air just once and there is a reference to me in a magazine I got.

Going to call MI5

They only have an anti terrorism number - so I'm going to email the government

I realize maybe I have been doing like costello's son. I took good news and contorted it until it looked bad. I am going to try to smooth things out and look at them nicely instead. Because it's my own doing - not really the way it is.
There's a voice having a secret joke with me but that's okay because I am in on it. I think I've been normal at work all day today and kept my mouth shut. Good.

My son had his first interview for the peer support job. He thinks it went well, but there will be a second interview.

I'm going to die before Christmas and no one believes me, not 1 single person, it was a reference to me in a magazine. MCR collectors edition so they knew I'd buy it.