Roll Call Twelve

I hope so, too.

sorry about ur cat newtus. my cat is very special to me. i cant imagine him dying.

i tried my hand at making a budget. it doesnt work. i only got about 1200 dollars to my name but thats gonna go down once i have to pay my dad back some for the cat. 400-600 hundred... then paying more medical bills for me. and paying about 200-300 hundred+ of luxury subscriptions every month i have like netflix and hulu and my att data bill. but its like stuff i dont think i can give up. i NEED something to do in this house because im here all the time. if i had satellite tv i could cut some of this stuff i feel but maybe not. maybe thats another material pipe dream. something i maybe shouldnt have. im trying to cut down on my shopping but then i pay for some of my own groceries and things like i bought a bra. u know...stuff i need. it looks like i cant really get anyone anything for christmas this year.

Newtus I can totally relate to how you feel. Whether I write a budget or not there just never seems to be enough money to go around for everything. I too will be broke for Christmas! I might be able to get each of my kid's something small but nothing major!

I know how you feel about money. It's always the same.

I saw at Wal-Mart blank wooden Christmas ornaments for .97 cents each like a frame. I am going to get a few of those and have my boys paint them, then print out a picture of them all together in the frame. I can get that for my step-mother, my step-sister in laws, and my Aunts. And it's special because it's also art from them as kids. Family members like things like that. Sometimes it doesn't mean having a lot of money.

But really, me and my husband don't give each other gifts, due to money, but it doesn't matter. Because it's about actions and not gifts in the end. (Of course not everyone thinks that, but I generally don't get along with those people.)

i just feel bad when i dont give a gift. but its ok. i can get eveyrone 1 thing and maybe make something or 1 main thing and another really small cheap thing or something.

but its ok

nice to hear from you faerie. miss you.

Yes I know this feeling all too well! I feel terrible when my money is short and I can't afford to buy the gifts I want for my kids. It really depresses me! In fact the holiday months are when I am most depressed.

how do i know if im in remission...?

Have you stopped hearing voices? If so how long?

not really. but they havent been much. its only if i stop hearing voices? i heard very little for couple of weeks.

Sounds like you might be on your way there...it took me like a few months to totally get rid of them and my other hallucinations..mostly smells.

my paranoia is still really bad. does that count? or is it only voices?

i went to my nurse yesterday. i think she thinks im still struggling tho cuz i dont shower or anything like hygiene. and that my paranoia is still bad.

i wonder if im just in an ok phase and going back soon. this happens sometimes. i still have paranoia and lots of it.

No it's all of it, the voices are the first thing to go then the delusions follow much later. But it really does sound like you are headed toward remission.

i may be. and i may be jumping the gun too cause ive been seeing ghosts and demons even tonight (but i believe in ghosts). so we will see. the meds are taking away the voices. but at the same time i didnt have any stressors 2 weeks ago in my life. but its started to come back i mean the stressors. the financial stress and i just learned tonight i gotta get extra help for my medical expenses and i may not can. plus my cat.

but im on meds. but my paranoia has been strong everyday for years (5 years or so) even on meds.

I'm sorry. Does the booze/benzo combo give you a break from it at all? (And no i do not encourage it or want you doing it..)

Everything has been... Better. Even with some very mild delusional/wacky thoughts & random noises. Does that make sense? I feel more like "myself" & at peace. Though that may have more to do with the important progress I've been making lately!

Not only did I manage to make some important revelations about my past that gave me some closure, but also I fixed the interpersonal tension in our house!! All by myself. I talked to his Mom openly & appealed to her emotions to get her to see his point of view. Four ****ing hours it took & I didn't have an angry, condescending fit once! And then I rehashed the conversation to my boyfriend so he'd see her point of view. And so now I think that conflict resolution in here is going to be much better. One less stressor!!

And I finally wrote a poem... I haven't written any poetry in a year. Not since the boyfriend drama & the meds [that never worked completely] & the long dysphoric state I was in. It's incredible!

idk if u were being sarcastic

but sometimes it does but theres been sometimes it hasnt.

alcohol and benzos together dont help

theres been times where alcohol made me angry. or made it hear voices and get more paranoid.

when i drink idk if it will make me worse or not for the time i drink it. it either does or doesnt. when im already doing worse i notice it makes me worse tho. but i never know when it will. it either does or doesnt.

benzos by themselves dont. when i first took them long time ago i actually got word salad from xanax! like true word salad. i dont remmeber it very well but i said something like "i know how the plane jane airplanes track through capri sun river bubbles". and to this day i can it still makes sense to me but it wouldnt to anyone else. what i meant by that sentence was that i knew how unlabeled planes by the government could track me. and i meant they tracked through the river of liquid bubbles in capri sun packets. i was saying that the bubbles in the capri sun packets had energy technology channels that communicated with the planes in the air. and whenever i drank a capri sun i knew i was being tracked.

u know what i mean?

i drank 3 cups of coffee and the voices came back

Is caffeine a trigger for you?

i guess so u know

im really bummed i only get 15 dollars for food stamps

Newtus: I agree with Sometimes that it may just be the beginning but it's a step. There paranoia and stuff, I think that's a harder nut to crack, because you know it's easier to realize you're hearing voices than to trust fact from paranoia. This is my big thing, even though now my paranoia is more small stuff. It's much, much harder to figure out if I'm having paranoia or not. Recently I talked to my husband about how I stopped using twitter because 2 people stopped following me and I instantly thought they were plotting something against me, and that was a sign. (However, I was spot on that one of the people is someone who turns on friends suddenly and without warning... so... but I chalk that up to my own trust issues after what happened to me with my old friends.) The hygene things, too, will take time I think.

Maybe the coffee is a trigger, I agree with that too. Caffine is a drug after all and effects the brain. $15 for food stamps is a joke. It seems to be a common thing when you're on disability. So, all these people who say "getting a free ride" really have no idea what they are talking about, since disability is not enough to live on alone in most cities if you need to pay rent, utilities, medications, and then just food and necessities (like even toilet paper!)

Shay: It's good to hear good news from you! I'm so happy you wrote a poem! I know how hard it is when the writing won't come. I get really doom and gloom about it when my mind is freaking out and I can't write properly.

They told me to stay away from caffeine not because of the voices but because of sleep issues I was having so for the most part I cut it out---I even drink decaf tea and sprite instead of coke, but it's possible that may have helped with the voices too.

Coffee & I are best friends!! Never once gave me trouble. But energy drinks? I dunno what's in them that sets me off, but I know enough to use them with caution... Unless it's a weak one like Amp.

Still feeling good. Doing laundry, watching Harry Potter, & journalling my progress/philosophies!! I'm a little mad with PC since I keep trying to change my font but it won't let me... I hope this comes out right.