Roll Call Twelve

caffiene and energy drinks increase dopamine. too much dopamine is what causes hallucinations

im feeling good. had a bad day yesterday because i forgot to take my med. well i didnt forgoet but i thought i took it but i dropped it. i found it on the floor today. so yeah well i made it through that. maybe hanging out with my friend today. wentt o class and found out im making an A. i feel good about that. i work sat sun and mon. i have to ask for less hours so it doesnt affect my disability. im scared to ask for less hours. what do i say? how do i go about it? should i say i just need to focus more on school?i dont want them to know im on disability

i just fought with my mom on the phone. she says i need to be in a group home. NO. I. DONT.

i hate her

I wasn't being sarcastic. If I was, I think that it would mean that I was mocking you for risking your life with booze and benzos to numb.

I'm sorry if that is what you thought..

I am not a sad f*** that says things like that to people

i didnt think you were but i didnt know really.

i realized you most likely werent tho

its ok. sorry

[as some of you may have seen i deleted this post. because im trying not to say violent stuff. it seems my body has acclimated to this haldol injection because its supposed to relieve aggressive tendencies too and its not in me. ...sorry. and i seem to be having hallucinations again and paranoid tendencies]

So I talked to the pdoc tonight he said he's going to give me his pager number so I can call him in an emergency if the new pdoc isn't available yet. He also offered to write me some back up prescriptions just in case. Such a great guy I will miss him. Also he seemed really happy that I was dating even though things weren't working quite right. There is a new guy I kind I of like and we're going to the art museum on Saturday.

my dad said he notices the meds workin but im not feeling well? i feel worse...?

Unfortunately one of the things I learned was to trust other people when it came to my illness because I was so unaware myself...but also when they first gave me meds the delusions were like so unclear....I remember telling my pdoc that I had a headache but I could feel it in my actual brain and I was picturing the brain with like electrical currents going through it. The thing is I thought it was actually happening. There were other things too but basically I still couldn't tell what was real or not but my voices were less, but I was somehow more aware of how odd I felt and people's perceptions of me so I really felt far more confused even though I was getting better at the time.

At the same time peoples perceptions aren't entirely accurate...my parents once visited when I was floridly psychotic and they had no idea because I wasn't telling them anything weird. The only odd thing was I told them I loved them which I never do so they later claimed that something was off.

so i so should trust my dad when he says i seem better?

I would.

i hate these medications

i am purely miserable on these meds.

purely miserable.
and they make me depressed.

going on my xanax binge. idk when ill be back this time.

Bon voyage, newtus. We'll miss you.

I've had enough of my life lately. It's been too busy, I'm stressed out and if I get too stressed I inevitably wind up floridly psychotic. I hate this. I hate that no matter what I do, no matter what path I take, it seems to lead to my ultimate destruction.

Newtus: I think you should trust your dad because he knows you best. I wish the meds didn't have to effect how you feel physically and could just help releive the things that stress you out so much. Please be careful and come back when you can.

AD: Sorry you feel stressed out so bad. I hope you don't go psychotic and can relax and feel better.

I'm feeling extremelyl overwhelmed, my mind is so shook up.... stuck in this loop until I fix everything.

Obama = Terrorist

I'm back! I am so happy to be back in the real world. The psychiatrist at the hospital thinks I have temporal lobe epilepsy which is kind of scary. I got testing done for it and I see a neurologist for my answers on Wednesday. Does anyone have that type of epilepsy?

No, but it sounds interesting.
It would be good to hear from some others with it, huh.
I will have to look it up.

Medicalfox: I got an EEG to test for Temporal Lobe Epilepsy before my pdoc officially diagnosed me with Bipolar or Schizoaffective. Between the intense olfactory hallucinations of a burning smell, my tics, dissociative episodes of "severe deja vous", & random 2-3 minute long episodes of extreme fits of laughter/crying? They considered testing me. But my EEG came out clean, so I guess those are just mini-psychotic fits? I don't know... The symptoms have mostly passed, so maybe they were psychogenic seizures. I was under a lot of pressure from being consistently psychotic for 8-9 months straight...

You know my pdoc thought I might have that in addition to psychosis because I had smell hallucinations that were around for a while after I was on meds and all the voices went away. But then they all went away like a month later so I never got tested. On the plus side, maybe there are better medications than the antipsychotics and also I feel that there is less stigma---even my pdoc described the epilepsy as being more real---what you see/hear because they are actual electrical impulses in your brain. So maybe this will end up being better?

So glad to see a medicalfox bounding through the rollcall!

im back. it was helllish
ijustpoppinxanax after xanad

I worry about you Newtus!

I worry about you too.