[blackwhitered]

I know it's supposed to be a symptom of my disorder to be paranoid, but it's such a catch 22. I don't trust my doctors, or the people who say they're my doctors, and it's like no one knows anything is going on. They ask questions and I say what keeps me out of the hospital, and I can't help but think that that's what everybody is doing. And we all hear the same voices and everyone is a case study in how a human would and should react. And it's a test to see who lets out the secret first. I can't fail because too much depends on me. I don't even know if I believe in psychiatry anymore.
But I'm just so frustrated with myself, even writing this, because I don't WANT to be dramatic or poetic, my mom is like that. It's not about my words, I mean those do cause problems because sometimes I use terms that other people don't know. I just wish I could have normal thoughts instead of having my life get paraphrased by some Shakespearian wannabe. So sorry if I sound really pretentious or whatever. I think I could speak normally if I tried but then I'd have to lie to you.

[faerie_moon_x]

You aren't alone in feeling this way. A lot of people feel this way. Do you have anyone you can trust like maybe a therapist? I don't know much about your situation like if you can choose your own doctors or anything. It's best to have someone you choose yourself who practices how you think is right, but that's not always possible.

[blackwhitered]

I told my mom I didn't want to go back to those "doctors" but she wanted me to give her a reason and I couldn't tell her without giving everything away. I went to a therapist (she's supposed to treat my eating disorder because no one else will) for the first time and told her a little about what was going on. I think she's going to cover for me. I can't remember if I signed releases allowing her to talk to my "doctors". If so she might tell?