Roll Call 16

Good for you Punky! I hope the T really helps

Firebird

Didgee

Hi JunkDNA

Glad you slept better Newtus I took my tablet but still couldn't sleep last night, which sucks. Debating upping the dose for tonight, but then I might sleep better anyway cos I had to get up early and so I'm more tired...Idk

*Willow*

Ok you're probably all going to think I'm a horrible person for saying this, but I don't know who else to talk to

So I ended up visiting my Mum in hospital earlier against my better wishes. I've been avoiding her cos we're getting on each other's nerves. I was good and kept my mouth shut and just listened to her & my Dad talk, and all was fine. Then just as we're leaving, she said to me "you'll be pleased to hear that my brain is even more brain-fogged than yours!" I was stunned, so I said "what?" thinking I'd misheard or misunderstood, as frequently happens lately, but she said the exact same thing again. I was good and kept my mouth shut instead of asking wtf that was supposed to mean, but it's still gnawing at me hours later. Does she think I'm such a horrible person that I'd be pleased that she's having cognitive difficulties?! Or does she think that we're in some twisted 'who's the sickest' competition??! WTF?!

I suppose if I'm really honest (and this is really embarrassing to admit) I'm a bit jealous of all the attention she's getting. In my house, and in society at large, physical illness trumps MI. She's suffering and she's got doctors fussing over her, nurses fussing over her, the whole family concerned about her, while I'm expected to just get over it. Every time I hear her moaning about this symptom and that symptom, it feels like a dig saying that my problems are insignificant, which is effectively what everyone in the hospital said. Idk...I'm just tired of feeling like I'm struggling over nothing, when I'm just lazy and need to get over myself

I'm a terrible person

*Willow*

Hearing more voices and seeing things. Don't understand why because I stopped the pain pills. It is also a trigger month. Trigger months are months that have family birthdays have no clue why. Also, its my birthday this month. Yay turning 31 on the 19th. Old ancient. My autism has been bad as well because of the shock to my body.. the surgery. I pray I'm not entering another psychotic break. Right now I have insight. I'm also depressed... also called realism.

First you are not terrible..you just feel how you feel...

Your moms comment was weird it's almost like saying you'll be pleased to know I'm fatter than you now...there is no good way to interpret it...I would chalk it up to the fact that's she's sick...I don't think she would normally say that...

As far as the attention...yes well people in the medical world will always treat physical illness differently...the nurses there are just plain better period. I'm not entirely sure why...I don't understand nurse psychology...

However I do have a solution if you want attention in a positive way...basically if you can't beat them join them....why not give your mom a gift...something she can display in her room that is very special...something she can brag to the nurses about...I know a while ago you were talking about homemade chocolates...that might be kind of fun depending on what she's allowed to eat...perhaps a big card or photo album/scrapbook...at the least you could grab some balloons at the hospital gift shop...see what fun things you can do because it will help you as you help your mom...

I know you like to help other people...you were in med school and then psychology...that's all about helping other people so see your mom as one of those people who need your help...

Being able to give help is one of the most life-affirming and wonderful things we can do on this planet in our short time here...

Thanks Sometimes

Yeah I'm wondering if I should just ask her wtf is going on...what do you think?

I have already tried something very similar. I made her a get well soon picture on Wednesday. I thought it was kind of cool. I used crepe paper ripped into flower shapes and then drew the flower outlines over the crepe paper (if that makes sense). Anyway I got no thanks and it wasn't on display when I visited today

Tbh I'm kind of mad at her and don't really feel like being much nicer to her. I spent over an hour on that picture! Idk...

*Willow*

Ok that's really odd that she didn't have it on display...I just wonder if she just isn't thinking right...you may just have to excuse her behavior...I don't think I'd ask her about it because like I said there really isn't any good way to mean that...maybe you should just try to focus on getting you well and your OT appointment?

sorry i havent been on much as i usually have. ive been sleeping. i think its that xanax. im not ignoring u guys posts are anything. ive been trying to keep up with roll call as best i can.

I wondered where you were...you probably have to make up for all the sleep you missed without the Xanax...hope it's all good tomorrow...

I'm just getting a bit tired of always excusing her behaviour. She bails on something important cos she's tired. She can't remember something important cos she's not feeling well. She can't pay attention to what I'm saying cos she's brain fogged. I'm just tired of it. Everyone else has to just suck it up, so why does it not apply to her?!

Too late I already text her about it, though she's not replied yet. She may be asleep...

Yeah I should just focus on my OT appt...

*Willow*

I don't think anyone needs to just suck it up, although it is commonly said...

Here is my question...does this have to do with dealing with any person who is sick or is it just because she is your mom...often there is a bit of a role reversal as we get older...they depend on us to do things for them instead of the other way around...I think it's very hard to accept...I mean especially the fact that you will lose them one day...perhaps this experience is just emphasizing that to you...becuase normally you seem very patient with people and I always thought you would make a good psychologist because of it...

If you picture her as simply a person in need of your help instead of your mom does that help you at all?

I think maybe that you hit the nail on the head Sometimes. I am scared that my Mum will die early, because her Mum died too soon and she has all these health problems. Normally I'm more empathetic, but I think maybe it's because I'm struggling and I want my Mum to be my Mum instead of some sick person. So I'm getting frustrated with her for not being there for me, and then I'm getting frustrated with myself for not being there for her, and it's just spiralling. I don't know how to stop being angry with her, or being angry at myself

*Willow*

Willow

Can you talk with your dad about it? I'm sure he's really afraid too...

OK don't know why but I was thinking about some sort of clever shirt in case I ever need to go back into the hospital....you know to let people know I wasn't actually dangerous...so I found this....now of course I'd be wearing it ironically.....mostly .....kinda ...OK ...not at all...

Ausome I'm not sane shirt from Zazzle.com

willow

More snow here. Feels like there is no end to it! Im going to be stuck in a cold cocoon forever! I am glad to hear at least the thaw has started somewhere!

@sometimes, thats great! Ha! I have a shirt that says, " I'm not shy, I'm just a b***h." (interpret as you will)

Apparently we have had more snow already this year than the entire last winter combined....ugh...I have get my car out and get some groceries tomorrow...it was just too bad today...

Last weekend i "angry shoveled" and cried until i thought i was having a heart attack. This weekend i haven't ventured out except to get the dogs out the back door.

i heard we are getting snow/sleet tomorrow. one day its 71. next day snow. go figure. its texas.

Luckily we have snow service for the building...they even do a little path between cars and stuff, by hand...of course I pay like $300 a month in condo fees but days like this make it all worth while...I stocked up and got two sub sandwiches in the way home last night so there was no need to go out at all today...

Yeah it's weird you guys are getting so much snow this year...I heard you guys don't even have salt and stuff...

we have salt but i dont think enough. i guess we arent prepared like atlanta wasnt prepared.

Yeah my cousin is in Atlanta...they apparently closed her work for like two days...she works for the CDC so I think it's weird that they would just close but I guess it was terrible, like 3 inches and people trapped on the freeway....I read this report from one of the guys in charge of canceling school or not and he was like well we were prepared we just didn't expect so many people at once...um suppose he's never seen a typical Atlanta rush hour before? They have some of the worst traffic in the country...it reminds me if when lake shore drive froze over in Chicago but that was like with two feet of snow and it was because it was so close to Lake Michigan...but if you see pics of that it's like an apocalypse the cars are almost buried...

Im trying to be more pleasant to be around this weekend since i acknowledge that i was an unholy terror last weekend.

You're always pleasant here...