[freyed]

I have always had checking compulsions, and instrusive thougts, and sort of an imaginary friend witch sounds like myself, and is internal in my own head, and not like a voice from the outside.

At times in my life, Ive lost Control over the instrusvie thougt that was in my head, and sometimes I felt like it was implanted by Satan, so that god who was listening would mistake the "voice" for being me. This lead to me praying several hundred times a day. And everywhere there were like symbols of danger and symbols that made me think that god was monetoring my head.

For an instance, I would pray all the time, and everything around me, I Connected to this. For instance I would walk in a Library and the titels of the books had meaning to what was going on in my head. Like they had hidden meaning put there simply for me. But most of all where the prayers, I prayed hundreds of times, and had to start over and over.

When I got an instrucive thougt about say, that my girlfriend should get cancer, and Satan had my permission to give here that, I would typically pray like this:

Dear god please know that that is not what I am meaning, it was Satan that put the thought there, and please dont let my gf get cancer. Then I sort of felt like, what if I really ment it and didnt love my GF, so I would make a punsihment for myself to prove that I loved here. 1 time it was eating Fish that I hated, so I went and threw up. This to prove to god I loved my GF.

At an earlier point in my life I had HIV Obsessions, and feared that I contracted HIV. I would stay alone in my apparment for 2,5 years, and at the time I would live in a mess of a house, and burn Food to kill hiv virus, and I would throw away expencive Food, while having nothing to eat, to avoid HIV. I would use plastic bags on my hands when touching everything. I used 200 bags a week. At night when I went to bed I would feel like I got contaminated forks (of all Things) pushed Down my throat and had to fight gagging. I also feared that Hiv and other diseases would spread throug the tv and such. I dont know why.

In my life Ive been mostly on my own, With a few better periods. From the age of 16 to the age of 22 I would not brush my teeth because I felt I would get them contaminated (stupid in hindsight). I have had wery little order in my life, and its been a mess.

I prefere to be alone. I cant think of anything thoug that would sound as a schizophrenic hallucination. But I have had an aboundance of this thing that started like a "imaginary" friend in adolescense, that sounds like me, and its inside my head. At times when I was ill, I would argue, even in Public With this adversary Version of my self. And I would have feelings that Satan put it there.

I would appreciate imput.

Thanks for Reading, sorry it was so long.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Not sure there are some elements of both....probably not enough for a full sz diagnosis...although it does sound like delusions to me a lot of people with OCD worry they have sz and don't....I'm really not familiar enough with OCD to rule out a straight OCD dx.....why not get worked up for this? It sounds like it's really impacting your life regardless of what it is....

[Bigmike727]

Hi, I have depression w/ psychotic features (although my pdoc says I have bipolar symptoms aswell) and OCD so it is possible to be psychotic and have OCD at the same time. I am not a psychiatrist so don't take my word for this, but I think OCD and psychosis have similarities with regards to delusions. I personally think with OCD the person recognizes somewhat the delusions are false but believes them to a certain degree where with psychosis the person flat out believes in their delusions like I mean 100%. I don't know, it's just my opinion. Anyways, the Zyprexa I'm on has helped both though, my pdoc even says if I continue to do aswell as I'm doing hell lower the dosage slightly as I have learned to cope well with my symptoms. I found that after just accepting the voices as part of me and part of what makes me unique they don't bother me like that anymore. For some reason, the more I fight mine, the stronger they are. Anyways, I am sorry for rambling.

[Terabithia]

I had posted something similar to this before on this site. One person suggested I try not to do the behavior (or have the thoughts) that follows the thinking and pay attention to how that feels. I've been trying to examine this, even though it is very difficult, I guess mostly because the thoughts I'm having are not bad enough to warrant such a reaction, and I feel anxiety ridden not understanding, and actually trying to pinpoint things. I don't know if this makes sense at all, and I'm sorry if it doesn't really apply to your situation. I completely get where you are coming from when you say that things seem to be speaking directly to you....the books for example. Am I understanding you right?

[Bigmike727]

So I just found this article after doing some research on Zyprexa shots, as my pdoc said they were an option on the table.

People With OCD May Have Higher Odds for Schizophrenia: Study - Drugs.com MedNews

Hope it may be interesting to you.

[freyed]

Hi thanks for Your input everyone!

I have a schizophrenia diagnosis, only I feel myself that I could have just wery bad OCD, but I Guess Ill never know 100%

[UnhingedHick]

I have similar experiances not so bad but sometimes voices in my head will tell me i need to do a certain thing or something bad will happen. Such as moving things around or something like that. (well sort of)