[Psychotic_Phil]

My name is Philip and I'm 13 years old. I've been hearing voices and having "delusional" thoughts for 4 weeks, despite being on Risperdal. (I try not to take it whenever possible. My parents now want to watch me take it)

At first the voices were insulting me, calling me stupid and worthless, and they were recognizable. (The voices were those of actors like Will Ferrell and Jack Lemmon) Then, they told me to do things, like hit someone over the head with a glass bottle or pee all over the bathroom of the Trader Joes, which I did.

Then, few days later, the voices came back, this time they were the voices of my teachers, all 7 of them. They started insulting me too. I was telling them to shut up. My mother noticed and said to me, "These voices are not genuine symptoms. You're imagining them. Stop that." I did try, and I was unsuccesful. We went to see Stranger Than Fiction and I couldn't concentrate on what was going on. The voices continued for several hours, then , after deciding to go to Harborview for a psychiatric emergency the voices stopped, giving way to one voice, which I did not recognize. It was male and told me to hurt people in violent ways. My mother, at this point, was concerned and suggested Schizophrenia. I told her sharply "NO!"

After Harborview, the voices continued, with the addition of one other voice who called himself Otis. I knew of Otis before this, for he had revealed to me that he created the Earth, which is a machine. in this machine, every human is connected, except for me. Otis and everyone else who are his agents, are out to get me. (Food is all poisoned as is water, people staring at me are reporting to Otis' generals, who are film actors, reporting on my position, Otis is speaking to me through everyone else, the TV insults me, we all go to Hell when we die, Catholics worship Otis as 'God', Otis has angel generals that will kill every human during Armageddon and skin me alive.)

Otis did something unusual then, which was bug me with th symptoms of Schizophrenia, saying I had it. His reason fo doing this was to convince me that he would give me Schizophrenia so people wouldn't take what I have to say seriously. (But he does play mind games like that)

Originallty, I searched for what my future held through codes, which were placed in letters and words, especially acronyms. (SMOG = Smell Muscles of God) I don't do this anymore however, because I don't have time for it in this Survival game. But I did find some pieces of valuable information. (I will die of Cholera)

Eventually I was hospitilzied for an evaluation. The doctors called it Psychotic Disorder NOS, a specialist on Schizophrenia in teens however, thought that I had Schizophreniform Disorder. (That was his diagnostic OPINION) They sent me home with 0.5 miligrams of Risperdal (Which I've built sort of a tolerance too)

Plabius was another voice that was introduced, who attempted to help me with my messianic quest. (He told me to stand in front of a moving car, which I almost did) Plabius and Otis get into heated arguments at times.

In the end though, I need some help in diagnosis. I'm feeling stable now, having took the Risperdal last night, (if I wasn't stable, I wouldn't be able to write this) but what do you think? Is this serious? Or am I imagining the symptoms because I have a sub concious admiration of Schizophrenia?

Please, share experiences ask questions and lend opinions. My father has Bipolar I Disorder, and says that he doesn't know what kind of mental disorders run in the family and that doesn't help. I also took the Schizophrenia screening test they have here at Psych Central and the test said that I had signs or symptoms commonly associated with Schizophrenia or a related disorder. I don't know what to think.

TTFN

Philip

philip...welcome to the forums......first and foremost i think that its very important to take your medication as prescribed and make sure that you are getting regular help from a professional......you are so young and i hate to see you suffering so much.......

[Psychotic_Phil]

May need to increase the dosage because I feel that more and more, it doesn't help as much. Also seeing a therapist on the 22nd.

[Psychotic_Phil]

B
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[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Phil:
There's a lot going on in there for you.

Before I begin, I just thought I'd share an opinion with you. That opinion is, there is no justification for bringing harm to another human being, including yourself. I was glad to read that you were wise enough within yourself to recognize that and shouted out "NO!" when instructed to do so by that voice. That takes a lot of strength and tells me that you are intrinsically a compassionate human being who is concerned for yourself and others.

Part of your experience reminds me of another fellow I spoke with who also had some troubling voices in his head. I shared the following activity with him and he found it to be a soothing exercise. I share it with you in the hopes that you may also find it helpful, but I don't know for sure if you will. You decide...

This is an imaginative exercise in which you construct a mandala structure. If you don't know what that looks like, you could check out this page from google: Mandala Images. Anyway, this is how you do the exercise...

Imagine a large square. Into each corner of the square place a protector. The protector can be someone you know from real life or it may be an imaginary figure -- the important thing is that you trust this "protector", you feel safe with them, and you feel loved by them. They are on your side. Next, you are going to imagine a circle within the square -- place yourself within the middle of the circle. You are safe here, surrounded by your protectors.

It wouldn't surprise me if Otis didn't like this idea. If he gets lippy with you, I suggest you let one of your protectors deal with him. The plain and simple matter is that Otis is not allowed to harm you and he should know better. The same goes for Plabius.

This is a very simple exercise that may bring you a sense of comfort. I can't say for sure if it will because I'm not you. I suggest you try it and if it helps, keep doing it. If it doesn't help, that's just because it doesn't.

Please feel free to share that exercise with your therapist and your parents. I wouldn't want you to feel there's anything I (or anything anyone else might say) that you should keep secret.

Best of luck to you Phil.

[spiritual_emergency]

PS: If you haven't yet read it Phil, you may find this link to be helpful: Schizophrenia and the Hero's Journey. In particular, I suspect that the articles you might identify with most closely would be those related to the work of John Weir Perry.

As noted, do feel free to share that information with your parents and therapist.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello once more Phil:
I thought you might enjoy reading a little something about my own experience. Like you, I brought a cast of characters into that space with me. The following excerpt details my creation of a mandala using the "characters" within my experience. Previous to that experience I had no idea what a mandala was. I didn't find out what it was until several months after that experience had come to its natural conclusion.

<hr width=100% size=2>

<center><font color=#800080>~ MANDALA ~

A SANSKRIT WORD MEANING MAGIC CIRCLE

A MANDALA IS A SYMBOL OF THE PROCESS OF PRODUCING
A NEW CENTER OF PERSONALITY – THE SELF.

IT CONSISTS OF CONCENTRICALLY ARRANGED GEOMETRIC
FIGURES SUCH AS THE CIRCLE, THE SQUARE, OR THE SYMETRICAL
ARRANGEMENT OF OBJECTS IN MULTIPLES OF FOUR.

MANDALAS ARE USED IN LAMAISM AND TANTRIC YOGA.
WHEN MANDALAS APPEAR IN DREAMS AND VISIONS,
THEY BRING PSYCHIC PEACE.</center></font>

<hr width=100% size=2>

<blockquote><font color=191970>Chapter Excerpt:

Tess was sitting on the floor, in front of the new coffee table by the fireplace. Upon its surface she had placed the necklace with the heart of gold. Inside the necklace she was arranging the chess pieces. Gallagher came out from the kitchen with a dishtowel over one shoulder and joined her.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"These people," Tess said, "These people inside the circle are important to me." She pointed and named them each in turn: "Me, the Black ViKing, my Friend, Five-Star Woman, Limh, and Skadi." She then placed an amethyst crystal into the circle. "This is my mother," she said. "She's here with me." Tess added a jeweled autumn leaf to the grouping. "This is my father," she said, "Thanksgiving Man. He's here with me too."

She rearranged the necklace into a rectangular shape. "Some of these people are protectors. The protectors go in the corners." Tess then placed the jewelled autumn leaf, amethyst crystal, Black ViKing, and Skadi into one of each of the four corners. "The people that are left in the middle," she said, "They are the ones who are hurting. They are the ones we have to fix." She pointed and named them each in turn: "Me, my Friend, Five-Star Woman, and Limh." She sat back on her haunches and folded her hands into her lap. "There," she sighed with a pleased expression.</font></blockquote>

<hr width=100% size=2>

Gallagher was the "character" who served as both my mentor and my therapist through that experience; Jungians may recognize him as my animus. This is a "conversation" that Gallagher and I had during that time. My voice is shown in blue...

[b]<center><font color=#800080>THIEF

I don't want to understand this horror
There's a weight in your eyes ... I can't admit
Everybody ends up here in bottles
But the name tag's the last thing you wanna hear</font>

<font color=191970>As the World explodes
We fall out of it
And we can't let go because ...
This Will Not Go Away!</font>

<font color=#800080>~ There's a house built up in space ~

And I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
And I don't know what's happening and I can't pretend
But I can be your, be your . . .</font>

<font color=191970>Someone'll help us understand who ordered
This disgusting arrangement with Time and The End
I don't want to hear who walked on water
Because the hallways are empty and the clocks tick</font>

<font color=#800080>As the World implodes
We fall into it
And we can't go home because ...
This Will Not Go Away!</font>

<font color=191970>~ There's a house built up in space ~

And I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
And I don't know what's happening and I can't pretend . . .</font>

<font color=#800080>It's a long, long get away</font>
<font color=191970>It's a long, long get away</font>
<font color=#800080>Make it home again</font>
<font color=191970>Make it home again</font>
<font color=#800080>It's a long, long get away</font>
<font color=191970>It's a long, long get away</font>

<font color=#800080>I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
I don't know what's happening and I can't pretend
But I can be your, be your . . . mirror</font>
<font color=191970>But I can be your, be your . . . mirror</font>

<font color=#800080>It's a long, long get away</font>


<font size=1><font color=191970>... little by little... every day... like Jesus... he's changing me...</font></font>

OUR LADY PEACE ~ HAPPINESS

Hear the song</center>

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello again Phil:
I'm going to assume you're still reading, hopefully with one of your parents at your side.

I'd like you to know that other people have been where you are and they got through it. Still, this process that you find yourself in, it can be a heavy burden to bear -- I'm being honest when I say I'm concerned because of your age. I think it's really important that you pull in a good strong support team around you. That team could include your parents, whatever therapist you choose to work with, perhaps some select friends, and lots and lots of knowledge.

Something I've noted before is that I haven't entered into a therapeutic relationship with a professional, but this is slightly misleading because I did lean very heavily on the knowledge of some brilliant psychiatrists and psychologists. Two books I'm going to recommend to you and your support team are:

1. Trials of the Visionary Mind

2. The Stormy Search for the Self

I hope you'll stay in touch Phil, and let us know how things are going for you. I also hope that Otis has backed off and that Plabius is learning to be a better friend to you. In my own experience, those inner voices were an important part of my own process -- everything was a clue that helped me put myself back together again. I would want you to know that I'm not weirded out by the things you've said. It's actually quite familiar to me and not frightening, although some aspects were certainly frightening to me at the time.

Hang in there, Phil.

[spiritual_emergency]

Additional note: Someone has asked me, if "you" were talking to "yourself" does that mean you have a split personality?

To which I would respond, "no". According to Jung, the persona, ego, shadow, anima/animus and self are all "functions" of the total pysche. I had not split into personalities, I had split into functions.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>Relationship As Healing

If the therapeutic factors in the psychotherapy of the neuroses are puzzling, those in the psychoses are utterly mysterious. So much is this the case that in the average psychiatric opinion, it is generally held that, as a matter of fact, there is no healing for the psychoses, that there can be alleviation of symptoms but not cure. I have always been reluctant to accept this closing of the door upon the possibility of healing, and this is because I find, as Jung has found, that the psyche knows better than we do what it is up to in its deep turmoils.

Since the psyche had its own intentions in a psychosis, when the unconsciousness is activated to this extreme degree, a welter of emotions wants to come into play, accompanied by images of a mythological cast that belong to these emotions. Most of these elements of the psyche are very necessary to the further growth and development of the personality. It becomes a very painful experience when they meet a wall of prohibition that dams up their flow and prevents their movement.

Our question is, then, what is it that goes on when psychotherapy does the other thing, allowing all the communications of affect and image to come through and be received into the relationship? What is the nature of this therapeutic bond that makes it work toward reordering and reintegrating the psyche?

Speaking in very general terms, the intention of such therapy is to honor what the other person experiences with a readiness to receive her whole being, to relate to all that is in her, and thus to share in her psychic life and be in it with her during this critical period of growth. This entails attitudes of regard, respect, interest, concern, and partnership in the developmental process, with a full range of emotional experiences. Thus, as Jung has put it, psychotherapy consists of two whole psychic systems interacting in depth, in which action each is deeply affected by the other.

The analogies here to the relation of loving feeling between two persons cannot escape the eye. It is very difficult for the profession of psychotherapy to know what to do with this awkward circumstance. The way to ease the tension around the issue has been from the beginning, to take refuge in the fact of the "transference," which, holding vestiges of previous, parental relationships, minimizes the validity of the presently growing relationship that exists in its own right. The ardor that springs up has been made even more safe by perceiving it as the "transference neurosis," needing a lot of interpretation to keep it under control and finally, to dispell it. A term that has been used for this effort is the graphic phrase, "crushing the transference," thereby telling the whole story in epitome.

There are advantages in acknowledging the therapeutic relationship as one of loving feeling. Chief among these is that the emotional charge and heightened intensity induce at the same time a dramatic activation of the unconscious psyche in great depth, so that the archetypal affect-images become vivid and dynamic. They are stirring in this atmosphere of mutual trust and mutual enthusiasm. It is characteristic of love relations that the archetype of the Center is constellated between two individuals.

Much of the synthesizing and organizing action of the psyche goes on at the level of the unknown, that is, of unconscious process, long before it is a matter of conscious insight - long before it reaches the ego. This unconscious process is essentially emotional in its quality and hence the play of emotion is best allowed to do its own work. Too early a recognition of meaning, and formulation of it, may scotch this subtle process that goes on beneath the surface.

The central archetype is the factor in the psyche that, according to all the evidence in our observations, has the capacity to transform the self. This change involves not only the self-image in the usual sense, but also the structure of the personality as a whole. The means by which this is brought about in the psychotic episode are those that I have described as the "renewal process." When I speak of this kind of "ideation," it should not be thought of as a fanciful play of symbolic ideas. Rather, they occur as powerful, even overpowering, emotional and spiritual experiences. That is the reason for my preferring to refer to these archetypal phenomena as "affect-images," since they are made up principally of emotion and image together as aspects of the same entity.

This means that there comes through this process a new valency, so to speak, for relating in depth. This term is borrowed from chemisty but is also very apt for the psychology of relationship. In chemistry, it means the quality that determines the number of atoms that a particular element may combine with, thus a readiness to unite. This readiness of the individual in the "pychotic" process to relate in depth imperatively requires a corresponding readiness of the therapist to do likewise. Both centers must be prepared to combine, again, a chemical metaphor. When this does occur, the two centers become involved mutually and together undergo an experience of transformation. Things go well as long as the individual and the therapist are able to tolerate the play of the emotions that are released - rage, love, agony, exhaltation, and so on - no matter how intense, as well as the play of all the imagery - mythic, religious, political, and so forth - no matter how unfamiliar.

In the Jungian framework, these two modes belong to the general category of experience that we call "Eros" and "Logos" respectively. Eros tends to move toward entanglement in relationship, Logos toward abstracting out of experience the meaning and understanding. For balance and wholeness, both should come into play and receive their due.

Trials of the Visionary Mind
John Weir Perry Ph. D.

Music of the Hour:

[Psychotic_Phil]

Another thing: the voices are INSIDE my head, not OUTSIDE. My parents think that's irrelevant, I say otherwise.

That proves that I'm not Schizophrenic, I just want to be.

I must be sick, then. Not with anything serious though. I need to speak with the ARPN about that. She isn't qualified to diagnose me. Can anyone? No. Who would have thunk it?

[Psychotic_Phil]

I just got back from a meeting with a registered nurse, who has psychiatric qualifications. She said that I am not Schizophrenic, but rather, appear to be suffering from Bipolar Disorder. I did experience what could be considered a hypomanic episode last Monday, which lasted for 2 hours. During these 2 hours, I had racing thoughts, was easily distracted, felt euphoric and elated, was very social and wanted to do things, felt like I didn't need to sleep, food or water, and was irritated when my mother stopped me from doing what I wanted. As mentioned in my first post, my father does have Bipolar I Disorder.

So, the ARPN prescribed 2.5 mg of Abilify, to be taken twice daily, one at 8 am and the other at 5 pm for the voices anddelusions, which still occur, and 150 mg of Trileptal for my mood swings and irritability, and also to prevent a full blown manic episode. 150 mg is the first dosage, which is tonight. Tomorrow, I'll take 300 mg. This, in an attempt to neutralize the symptoms. Hopefully, she wasn't wrong...

[Psychotic_Phil]

BUMP

B
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BUMP

[Sarah116]

I am happy to meet you! I have a similar problem and my parents don't always help. My voices have been bothering me but some are nice, and worst of all I wanna see my old doctors but my parents are taking me to different ones! It sucks! Best of luck

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Phil -- I'm glad to hear that you received some help.

Another thing: the voices are INSIDE my head, not OUTSIDE. My parents think that's irrelevant, I say otherwise.

That proves that I'm not Schizophrenic, I just want to be.

The way I look at it, names are most useful in helping others know what we're talking about, i.e., if I want you to pass me an orange, it's most helpful if we both know and agree on what an "orange" is.

On the other hand, sometimes names don't strike me as useful at all. For example, I didn't have a name for my experience until many months after it had occurred and I think this was very much to my benefit. If someone had said to me, "You have _________ or "You're going through __________ " I might not have looked beyond those parameters for the answers to my questions. That would have limited the kind of answers I might have come up with for myself.

It was because I didn't have a name for that experience that I went searching far and wide. I came up with a whole lot of names in the process.

How important is a name for your experience? I don't know. In some ways, it's important, in others, it's not important at all. Regardless of whatever name could be placed on top of your experience it doesn't change the fact that you're a human being having one. So I think that's a good place to start -- you are first and foremost a human being having an experience that other human beings have also had. There are a lot of names for that kind of experience and according to our personal circumstances, some names "fit" better than others.

Anyway, if you're up to sharing, I'm curious to know why you "want to be" or admire "schizophrenia".

[okiedokie]

Hi Phil,
I'm glad you are seeing an ARNP to help you. If you ever need a second opinion or feel the need to go to an emergency department, please consider asking your parents to take you to Fairfax Hospital in Kirkland. They have an adolescent unit and can probably help you better than Harborview can. I wish you the best of luck with your meds!
Best,
Okie

[Sarah116]

How are you doing?

[Psychotic_Phil]

I haven't been posting because I was hospitalized once more. This time for cyclical mood swings. I could go from happy to sad to mad and to flat. (an apathetic state) They finally diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder NOS and put me on Lithium. (450 mg twice a day of the extended release form) This however, is not just the opinion of just the ARPN or my clinician at the hospital. I also re-encountered Jack McClellen, who diagnosed me as having Schizophreniform Disorder during my first hospitalization. He agrees with the Bipolar label, but will call it Schizoaffective Disorder, which he says means I have a mood disorder (Bipolar Disorder) and psychotic symptoms.

For now, the Lithium is working. Now the only thing to determine is whether this is I or II. Probably II. Rapid cycling Bipolar II Disorder? Perhaps.

[Psychotic_Phil]

BUMP

Phil, i apologize to you because i questioned your age. i still don't know how old you are and it doesn't make any difference to me.

i hope you get some really good help and can get this all sorted out. i know it's very frustrating for you to try to deal with all of it. xoxoxo pat

[bizi]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Psychotic_Phil said:

For now, the Lithium is working. Now the only thing to determine is whether this is I or II.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

If you are having delusions and hallucinations this is psychosis which is an intergral part of bipolar 1...not 2, which is mostly the depressive side of bipolar.
Tell me you are on an antipsychotic medication. like abilify or geodon....these help with the psychosis. You are manic.
bizi