roll call 43

It's one of those freezing days in the apartment. Wearing 3 layers and a hoodie and I think I need a jacket and my long skirt over it. I haven't done a mini walk in about a week, not good.

I had an internal struggle about leaving the flat today. On one hand I didn't feel safe outside and I know I'm being stalked. But on the other hand, staying locked up in my flat all day isn't doing me any favours. So eventually I had the courage to leave home to do some volunteer work. I didn't feel safe outside. In fact, it was quite scary. But at least I didn't get caught by the police. Did I mention that the police are also out to get me? Well, I have mentioned it now,

Afternoon guys,

Had an alright day today... been helping my Sister & her husband put things in their loft, as well as the walk I went on earlier today I mentioned in the positive thread.

One good thing was my Mum & I had a chat about my illness & how I was progressing with meds. She said outwardly I seemed to be tolerating the meds better than the Amisulpride I was on during my last period of psychosis which is true.

I'm thinking of asking to stay on this dose a bit longer rather than go up to 15mg straight away because I just seem to be getting used to this dose i.e. feeling less tired during the day. Would rather not start feeling tired again if there is a chance this dose might be effective at 10mg.

I'm not sure whether to try and eliminate voices altogether as they have always been fairly resistant to meds in the past... maybe I'll bring it up with my p-doc on Thursday.

How many meds have you tried now? Surely Clozapine despite the risks would be the best bet if you are medication resistant, or have you tried that already?

Starstrike - the police are after me as well.

Loial - Glad you had a good day
In the hospital the doctor mentioned clozapine, but I was asking for abilify and that's what I was taking in the hospital as well.
I've tried abilify on and off, risperdone and modecate.

just got home from church

im going to be just another person with schizophrenia who is a loner in this world. my life means nothing.

That's not true...you have us...we would miss you.....

What Sometimes said... your life does mean something & we are here for you too...

um no you will not we all love you and we will miss you wayyyyyy to much if anything happens to you just remember that

you would miss me? am i going somewhere? please tell me something i dont know. as far as im talking about my life - living - as it is - means nothing. im a nobody.

yet at the same time im everything to certain people like the police. but im a nobody to other people

i just want to mean something to the world

When I get good evidence, I'm going to the papers and the local news first, **** the police, they're part of it.
The support worker at the hospital, said I'm going to get hurt when I ask the wrong person, but what else can I do.

Of course I'm scared to go out, so I won't go far.

I usually determine if people are important to me if I would miss them if they are gone....

But by your account most of us would be nobodies....I'm no star. I've done lots of cool stuff but nothing that stands out... The problem is thinking your special and going to change the world tends to be something associated with either youth or delusion. As an adult you make a difference by being nice, donating blood time or money not by being a star. We're like a society of ants with each ant carrying one grain of sand we eventually build a hill.

well im going to achieve something great and big. ill most likely wont be extremely well known because im not going into something like acting or something that i would be popular for. but i am going to achieve something rather spectacular. even if im just known in my community or even dallas. its going to be big but its going to take a long time.

i want to be like my dad but more. my dad is quite amazing. he held protests and rallies in places like dallas and even D.C. and even arizona and other places. he was near the top of his company. not THE top but near. hes also a musician and has played shows at small venues and universities. and thats just the tip of the iceberg. he did alot...but i know i can do MORE.

i may be young but im not delusional in this. how do i know? because ive already achieved small accomplishments that - EVEN THOUGH SMALL in relation to bigger accomplishments - most people wouldnt even get a chance to do them in their lifetime.

think outside the box while using the box as support.

So what you're saying is you're not a nobody, you just haven't gotten all the way there yet....that sounds pretty good to me...good luck on the rest

It's also an amazing thing to get through life with schizophrenia. Considering how rare of a condition it is, all of us with it or with similar conditions are special on that account alone. Any other accomplishments take 100x the effort that a normal person would make.

i am a nobody. you know why? you know why i say that? because even though ive achieved a few small things - it still doesnt matter to the rest of the world and even the people in my OWN family forget about it. thats what makes someone a nobody. i gotta do something big that people will remember either for a long time or for forever.

its bad enough that im almost 25 and my own dad alone single handedly accomplished a lot more than i have by 25. let alone all these other people in this country who have.

ive been derailed by this illness and these clinics and hospitalizations. im not going to let ANYBODY tell me i cant do something. let them talk all they want. ive heard it many times before too especially with these clinics and doctors saying ill be so sick for the rest of my life that i wont be able to have a job or kids or the like.

anyway guys im sort of venting here but i really do want to accomplish something worthwhile

Look to your relationships Newtus, thats the most important thing you will do in life.

Newtus - my life is a total mess, I've accomplished nothing.
I'm not good at anything - I'm not even average at anything.

All I have for my future is a bullet to the back of my head.

I'm still going to try and get back to college though.

If you want to be like your dad ask him how he did it....

i got something i need to say about that comment. heed my lecture.

i have for a few years now. its things like this stupid clinic that really brings me down. i wonder what would happen to me if i quit going to the clinic. or at least the therapist. pft...stopping that therapist is nothing. im only getting 30 min a month. stopping that pdoc is a big issue...

sorry for venting all this on you guys...

What would happen if you went to a T that didn't know your dx?