Roll Call 44

That's really good....

i got up early and everything and i was washing my uniform etc. i just got a call from the store i work at and they said i dont have to come in today bc they are cutting hours. i know its bad bc less money but i am really happy bc i was dreading it so much!!!!

i spent like 3 hours on my blog last night

A freeday JunkDNA! What will you do with it?

It looks great!

idk yet!!!

Getting some risperidone tablets tonight to take for a week or so and then everyone wants me to go back on a depot as they don't think I will take the tablets long term.

that's brave of you Justme, I know how hard it is for you to accept going on meds. Maybe you can convince them you will take the tablets and not have to go on depot.

My mom went on a rampage because I drank her last wine bottle. She's 50 and really burning out from working two jobs. She completely lost it and had a break down then she triggered me about my suicide and I lost it. I sort of rein-acted my trauma in front of her it was really weird then we cried and gave hugs..

I was late for school today cuz I was manic in my dream so was my mom. Police station, doctors hospital, driving a bus at 156km/h in on coming traffic, flying in a theme park and landing in a river. Friends died. I didn't hear my alarm and woke up spazzing out.

Also bean is cool and is doing ok eh. I guess we are all more social when doing well because less positive symptoms = less negative

wait....bean?

are you related to akabean?

No like on tapatalk private messages

I never add people. People add me. Like on Skype, insta gram, Facebook, snapchat, etc. I need to learn to know I have control over things but I'm afraid to participate in society because even my mom said it's hard for me to comprehend the world when I don't like getting involved in stuff. Same as a kid. People tell me to do stuff that is right and not be so impulsive in what I want for myself.

I could say leave me alone, let me wollow in my own **** but in reality, I have no control over my current state idk why like an addict that doesn't know what to do and doesn't comprehend the problem and the when it gets bad, the insight is lost.

I honestly don't know what .. Idk what I sad I just woke up..

Le schizotypalz

ooh i see. i thought you were related to bean. anyway cool.

Sorry for triple posting but.. Was grinding my coffee and decided to make it taste nicer a more clear coffee so just grounded it.. Grounded? Is that the past tense of grind? I'm pretty sure it isn't.. Anyways.. I put a lot of coffee in the coffee filter to make up for the powder density but I guess the caffeine dissolved no matter the size.

I'm Prozac anxious which is like.. Anxiety but no physical symptoms with coffee jitters.

I think the real psychosis inducing drug is caffeine. It says 500mg injected will cause symptoms of severe mental illness like when I abused instant coffee on risperidone that made me too tired I would be sitting on the kitchen floor for two hours with a glass of juice in my hand at 2am with disturbing thoughts.

But control.. That is the most important to me rn. Taking 14 caffeine pills when I was out of control made me OD bad. Throwing up constantly but calm mind just very determined to do my job I'd work, throw up then go back to work.

Ugh I'll finish my essay my thoughts need to be put to use but I'm afraid of the education system from lack of knowledge on its process..

Grr

Thanks neil. I'm so against it but it's going to destroy every relationship I have if I don't take them. There was a song on the radio whih told me to go to the other dimension tonight and I feel like I'm making a massive mistake taking the meds because it destroys the truth but I also don't know if it's just the beings messing with me cos like like to play sick jokes on me. I'm so confused and distraught about having to take the tablets I'm considering faking taking them

Take em. I did very good when the risperidone was at the right dose. Sometimes I'd come into class out of control, sometimes sedated where I would lay down on the floor beside my desk in the middle of class but it was normal for me because I would sleep everywhere, outside, in gym, in the hallways, at the lunch table.

The right amount (like my low dose abilify) helps to stop the instability. Then all you have to do is take an extra risperidone when the time feels right.

Ask for low-moderate dose and then of you want to decrease, they will trust you. Just make sure that you don't lose control or they will be allll over you. Hard.

This is beautiful and powerful writing, you have a gift!

Thanks tweaky. They are starting me on 4mg. I'm worried about weight gain on them but I'm hoping if I eat the same then I won't put on weight. After that my cpn has mentioned the Invega shot.

Has anyone here been on the Invega shot? If so how was it for you?

It's the metabolite of risperidone. I heard it feels like risperidone and abilify mixed together so less sedation and weight gain maybe

I hope so tweaky I can't bear the thought of piling on loads of weight

Lillybird: what you wrote was beautiful! I'm glad work is going well. Im sure they like you as you seem very likeable here.

Justme I think meds might be good, especially with therapy. I'm concerned about you and I want you to be ok. The reason you were on the depot before, correct me if I'm wrong, was because every day with oral tablets was a battle inside you about whether to take them or not. Perhaps a depot would stop that, though I understand your concerns about control?

The noise is deafeningly loud tonight. I don't know if it's because I still haven't killed myself (I don't really want to) and so they're torturing me more, or if it's because I've spent all day working hard to be 'normal' because we had a family funeral and I've been socialising. It's hard to read & type and my head hurts.

T still hasn't responded, which I feel sad about. I told him that he would eventually get fed up of me, and last session was clearly his limit. We did work together for 6 months though, so I guess he suffered me for long enough. My parents keep nagging me about contacting the other CMHT that agreed to take me, but I have no hope they will be any better than the last one. Surely it's stupid to knowingly & voluntarily walk into another abusive situation?! My parents think I'm being pessimistic, but I think they're being naive expecting any help from MH services in this city.

My head hurts too much with this noise.

Newtus I will reply to your comment on the philosophy thread again, sorry.

*Willow*

Thanks willow. Yeah I have a daily battle with meds and the depot sort of got rid of that for a while, but then I just got resentful about being on the depot and felt like I was being controlled by the system.
Sorry your struggling with hearing things atm. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go back to the cmht when youv been treat so badly before by them. I wish people could just see that you struggle and have a mh problem rather than getting dismissed. It must be so demoralising to have no one understand you. Do you think maybe because you know so much about psychiatry that that's why they think your faking?

Yes, I've been on it for about half a year. I haven't had any psychotic symptoms since being on it.

how old are you tweaky - if i may ask?