Roll Call 44

Glad you're feeling better junkDNA I get my shot tomorrow

thank u.

thats good your doing well junk. i only like my voices if they are telling me valuable information about the universe and my surrounding settings

ugh i just went through my yearbook and looked up 1 person on facebook that completely betrayed me in highschool. completely used me and then just out of the complete blue stopped talking to me.

wow. i shoudlve just not looked. but it was all because of that stupid app LuLu. its a very controversial app. ugh...im just in a bad mood now.

i wondered if i changed a lot since high school. i hope i have. i hope...idk...i really hope i become way more important than those people in high school. whether they treated me good or not.

I suppose the local online news sites in my country did a great job in trying to publish news in reference to something related to me,
what a way to stalk a helpless mental illness sufferer who just want to live an ordinary life.
I felt like the society is trying to make an enemy out of me for them to belittle, to spit on, to be amused and push me to the limit again. I lost it a few times, previously did something "nasty" in retaliation to these intrusive, slanderous neighbors, and they still want to stack the deck further against me to do it once more.

I had plenty of issues to deal with already, social anxiety, mood issues possibly related to depression and panic attacks in which I just suffered an episode, having been relieved by ativan and valium.

Very sorry for the ranting posts recently.
Gotta go for an appointment later with a psychologist and psychiatrist. Kinda sick and feverish.

I took 40mg of ritalin and 24mg of codeine and caffeine to stop my headache and I guess I went completely quasi psychotic on the psych central chat but they helped and reassured me what was real which I didn't expect. I drank a bottle or two of wine and then I had a talked with my sister for two hours about stuff which I've never done before. I told her a little about my hallucinations and she was creeped the **** out but isn't scared cuz I'm on meds so meh

Ugh.. Why this.. Why do I have to say this..

The most important thing was that I was kind of in control.

Also I learned something very important that a meth abuser thought that the meth would cure her schizophrenia. It's a delusion. Maybe I'm sick addict idk only time will tell.

My cpn came round. She said I need meds and is going to talk to my psych and get an appt. I really don't want to take meds but I don't want to end up in hospital either. I'm in a lose-lose situation

I think I'm going to take the meds because I'm worried that my bf will break up with me because of the strain all this puts on our relationship. I don't want to lose him he's everything to me.

Feeling anxiety this morning so I took a benzo and a beer together before work. This Lexapro should kick in any day now, so I shouldn't need benzos anymore. I also am in discussion with switching my anti psychotic to Abilify.

I like abilify but it doesn't work for everyone....why do you want to switch?

That's good that you're getting off of benzos. I'm glad that my psychiatrist took me off of them even when I needed them. The Prozac worked great.

I feel really anti benzo although I wouldn't mind having them to relax very now and then. I'm pretty sure my grandmother still orders Valium off the net.

I was on Klonopin for awhile but then my pdoc went to another clinic and the temporary one didn't like prescribing it so she took me off of it. Now I have a new pdoc and for anxiety I have been taking Paxil and hydroxyzine. I would like to have some to use for certain times, like before appointments and things like that which make me nervous.


Got my shot today, it seems like it was wearing out the past few days for some reason. Maybe I metabolize it fast.

i had this weird nightmare dream last night.
LISTEN TO THIS:

In my dream i was in high school again sitting and laughing and having a good time with my only friend i ever had. this popular girl had lied to her boyfriend about having his baby. he just found out that day. she was trying to marry him but her baby belonged to someone else. she thought that i was the one that told her boyfriend about it. so she set fire to the outside of the school outside near a window. but before she set the fire she had come over to me and said something mean in a firm whisper and told me to meet her outside. i brushed it off but was really scared. i was the first person in the room to see and smell smoke so i was frantic and telling everyone to get out.

i went to the nearest door and there was no handle. then i ran to the other side of the room to the other door and had to unlock the handle and then 2 safety locks to get out. everyone else was stuck inside. i was the only person that got out. except all the popular girls were gone? so i ran far away and looked around outside and i saw no one. and i started running around and i heard gun shot and the popular girls were shooting at each other. one of them killing another and another.

so i run back into the burning building because im scared. i go in and theres students still alive vomiting from smoke and their flesh burnt. i help them all get out and show them the door and am leading them outside.

next thing i hear is gun shots again and those girls are shooting the students that got burned and i look back and see them going down one by one as they are vomiting from smoke inhalation. but then i take off running for my life.

i look back once and see one of the girls with the gun and i keep running and look away. right as im running near the end of the dream someone was about to shoot me in the back as i was running.

and then i force myself to wake up.

what does my dream mean?

Maybe ask Thunder Bow in the Sleep Issues and Dream Interpretations forum, they seem pretty good at figuring what dreams are about

I wrote a few song verses cuz I was bored it's not bad

I write a line, for my song
Wastin' my time, in the zone
I say I'm fine, on my own
I can't be anymore wrong
My past is gone, out the door
This feelin', on the floor
Along with everything, that I used to adore

I was the peasant of being sober
where went my four leaf clovers
I'm spent, sore and hungover
There's four bottles all over

Light a cig and still want more
Being addicted I might ignore
I'm sick and twisted with no insight
And I'm heading right for

ok i think i will

I have an appt to see the psych a week on monday. Going to talk to my disability officer at uni about what to do.

i really need support here please. im very upset. i always say this but i never get over it: my mom treats me worse than my sister. idk why she does. i rarely ask her for anything. i dont ask her for money. i only ask to see her to spend time with her maybe once a week.

then when time comes when i do ask her for something thats really important to me. she gets this frustrated tone with me. i say frustrated because she actually sounds angry to me. but she says shes not.

i dont get it...i try to do everything right by my parents. i ask my mom for barely anything and she gets mad when the 2-3 times a year i ask for something.

this is just ONE example going on right now that has brought me back to this issue: i ask her to take me to a comic convention for just ONE day. and because i have no money at the moment and tickets are running out fast - i ask her to pay for it. 25 mothereffing dollars...

all i asked for to go with me to spend time at this convention and spend maybe 50 at most (for BOTH her AND me to be able to go in).

and THIS: ive been asking her to take me for 3-4 years now.

i really need support here....because she has dropped thousands upon probably a hundred thousand dollars on my sister to pay for her to goto school AND for her dream wedding. AND she goes back and forth to south texas and around dallas to help her plan her wedding. no matter what state shes in. she drops everything for her.

....but she cant pay 50 dollars at the most to take me to a convention for 1 day. which aside that thats the only thing im asking her to pay for me this year. but i would like her to go with me to the second convention in may but not even pay for the one in may - just go with me IF my dad cant. but thats ALL this year. and i havent been to this convention in 3 years. i would ask my dad but he has to work. my mom holds no job.

Maybe she doesn't know how important it is to you. I get treated differently by my mom too. It sucks but that's how it is.

i dont understand how she wouldnt know. ive been telling her how important it is to me for 3-4 years everytime i ask her to take me. every year i haved asked her to take me. i say "if dad cant take me - will you take me? just in case?" i ask a year in advance every freaking year. this is the ONLY time ive ever asked her to pay. i actually would never ask her to take me but (1) my dad who usually would take me has a job where he clocks in/out. so he absolutely has to be there. and (2) the location of the convention is so far away deep in dallas. i dont know my way around dallas.

my sister always wants to spend time with me and just told me she would love to go with me. so my sister wants to go. my mom just found that out and just immediately called me and had this very "nice" tone with me and said she will look into buying the tickets immediately for all of us to go. when just an hour ago i called her and she said "look! i dont know about going. im very sick. i have so much to do. i dont know about all of this".

its not like shes being rude. shes ACTUALLY mean in general to me. and idk why. i just dont.

im so lucky at least my dad doesnt treat me like this.

that happens to me. mine wears out

i just want to thank anyway who has at least taken the time to read this. at thank you for any replies/advice in advance.

i dont have any advice newtus but im sorry ur struggling with ur mom again. i hope u are able to go to the convention and have fun