Roll Call 44

honestly guys i know im in a like span of time between this illness where things are kinda ok. so im living as if im going to relapse tomorrow. to put it in terms like that. cause i could. i know theres a pattern to my psychosis.

im actually i think in the phase i was in when i was 20. when i completely stopped my meds and wasnt symptom free but had all this drive and motivation and surge of intelligence for two years straight before an extremely severe relapse involving police and almost jail time.

so all this stuff you see me doing - i feel like im preparing for another severe relapse. im preparing my future just in case i relapse. i know itll happen. i just dont know when. and im having a lot of symptoms in the middle of all this. some of them pretty bad at times.

but i gotta do something. im scared to be homeless and broke on the street. so hopefully i can finish some classes and get something set up where i can have more income.

its ok. no ones trying to harm you ok

Some of us are older---I'm 39, I got my license years ago----I was not sick until 36 and then just for a few months....it's not a fair comparison to make...

Just posting to say I know that.

You're strong. Very strong.

I wish you luck. Idk how sure you are that you'll relapse, but I'm more sure I won't so I have no excuse.

Just never had any support because I didn't what I needed help with.

lol i swear i always think your 27 or something.

I feel like I should beat myself because my illness isn't severe enough.

I asked to delete my account.

I'm just going to step into the unknown. I don't know where to go. I'm just told to take my meds get a job and Pfff ya not gonna be a doctor. It's ****ing broken dream XD

Last post from this pathetic kid

And no I'm not committing suicide I never will. Just for clarification.

Look I'm barely sick at all----I just like to hang out here-----this isn't a competition or something...there is no reason to delete your account.

Don't let other people define your future for you. They don't know what you can accomplish yet, and neither do you. Wishing you luck.

Sent from my A0001

all this stuff is probably too much for me to think about. its a lot on my plate and i already am stressing out enough about school alone. i dont even want to do school anymore. i just want the degree and for it to be over with.

whats everyone doing...?
...its getting night time

I just ate a piece of cream pie. Trying to avoid smoking without a lot of success.

Sent from my A0001

good luck with that.

Just got home a little while ago, got my new tattoo

I had to walk there and back 3 times, about half a mile each way.

I walked to the shop, they told me to come back at 3 so I went home
I walked back to the shop and realize I've forgotten my I.D. so I go back home again.
I walk back to the shop for the final time and get the tattoo then go home.

Definitely got my exercise in for today

Thanks. I still haven't bought decent vaping supplies. Hoping to do that this week and gradually quit using tobacco.

Sent from my A0001

my coach came over and helped me put curtains up.

my mom isnt in a good space.

i feel bad about it.

what goin on with your mom?

It's not a competition but if newtus can do it then I can and I didn't so feel like I've really failed myself and that everything is my fault. I was told by people that my life is a joke, my addiction is too and that I will never get better.

But ya asking to delete my account again was a bit borderline.

My dad just said he would give me cash and get me the hell out of this town. I'm extremely lucky.

*hugs Newtus* (if you accept it this time)

do what? i didnt make anything into a competition?

Sometimes psychotic thought that I was thinking if it as a competition.

I asked you not to delete your account....

We're almost to the end of roll call I think loial is going to miss out again....

NO XD asking the admin to delete my account.

The communication here is killing us xd

Newtus accept the hug o.0

I bought a quart of chocolate ice cream and a rice crispy treat on the way home....this is after three cookies earlier....I have a cold so all rules are off

her bf of a long time was cheating on her and she found out and kicked him out of her house just before xmas. he was the only guy she has dated since my dad died in 1997. i know shes still struggling with that. now she has to move to a dangerous ward in the state hospital. shes a RN. shes really not happy about it and keeps telling me she wants to retire. i think shes upset that her 40 yr nursing career has led to this- working on an undesirable ward. idk. im not used to knowing when my mom is upset . so its hard for me. my family hides a lot of emotions. i used to but with therapy i am better at expressing myself. but yeah its weird to hear about her struggling

sorry to hear about that. i really am. yea i can imagine sort of how she would feel doing that kind of job after 40 years. but then im not in her shoes so....
.....but keep us updated