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Old Apr 04, 2007, 03:28 PM
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BeyondRedemption BeyondRedemption is offline
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I'm 15 and as far back as I can remember (my earliest memory being 4) I've heard voices and had an imaginary friend - which I’ve grown to call Bob so I can talk about it and not sound like a complete freak to any passers by. The two things being separate. The difference being, the voices are external - I actually hear them - and they put me down and stop me from doing things I want to do. Bob is all in my head - but I say my parts in the conversation out loud - and it’s someone to comfort me. I’m pretty sure the voices were before Bob, so I think my mind created Bob as a form of comfort for me.

In nursery (age 4) I never spoke. I completely withdrew into myself. I was scared of other people. That was probably when I developed my imaginary friend. But it was normal to have an imaginary friend then so no one thought anything of it.

My parents also split that year. Then someone told social services that my mum was a violent alcoholic who’s unable to look after her kids (even though that’s untrue) and we had Social Services round. But I don’t think any of that is the cause of it because that was half way through the year and I was silent my whole time in nursery.

My mum told me much afterwards that my dad did see us for a while. Then he quit his job so he didn’t have to pay anything to my mum for us, and we barely seen him. Then when he met Shoanna he started seeing us once every fortnight. Mum said that was just to show us off and make him out to be the perfect father, and if he’d never met Shoanna he wouldn’t have bothered. When Shoanna got pregnant, the room that was mine’s and my brother’s at our dad’s house was cleared out for the baby, and we didn’t even get the spare room that was never used. The voices told me I was that much of a ****-up that even my own dad didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, but I tried to convince myself it was ok because the new baby would be there all the time and we wouldn’t. But when dad and Shoanna split, we barely seen him again, and he signed his business over to his dad and got signed off work with depression, so he didn’t need to pay anything to our mum or to Shoanna. He still worked though, but still claimed benefits so in the eyes of the law he wasn’t working. Then contact with him stopped altogether. All the CSA (Child Support Agency) gets out of dad for us is £1.66 each per month. I can imagine all that didn’t help my mental state at all.

When I started primary 1 (age 5), I was terrified of going to school. I would wake up every morning and tell my mum I wasn't feeling well so I didn't have to go to school. When my mum did manage to get me there, I would stand next to her holding her hand until the bell went. After school I would refuse to leave the school building until my mum was at the door. It got so bad, I missed 6 months of school.
At home I was either watching TV, or daydreaming that I was in life threatening situations, but I was convinced they were real and was confused when I realised I was in my own house. I also had many million nightmares like that with the same confusion afterwards. I also had a fascination with harming myself, but I always did it in ways where no one would notice. Like banging my head off of walls, squeezing my wrists until my hands went blue and I couldn’t move my fingers. Tying something round my neck and pulling it tight until either my arms became exhausted from the lack of oxygen or the will to live kicked in. Holding my hand/arm over candles. Things like that. I've also always had a fascination with fire and often imagined and even contemplated setting myself on fire. I never did it because I didn’t want anyone to see it.
The reason for all this was hearing voices telling me to do these things. They told me I wasn’t normal and would never have any friends. They told me everyone wanted to hurt me. Things like that. They caused my self-esteem to get that bad that I stopped eating and ended up with a dietician. Then they got that bad that I lost the will to live and actually tried to kill myself. All of this was at the age of 5!

I changed schools in Primary 2. I still didn’t speak to or trust anyone. At break I would sit on my own starting into space with all my morbid thoughts and if anyone tried to speak to me or even came near me I would jump in fright and be terrified until they left. If they’d asked me something I would answer, but that was just in hope that if I was nice, he/she wouldn’t hurt me. The only person I could talk to was my cousin who was in the same year as me but didn’t really speak to me much coz he would be with his own friends.

In Primary 3 I made a friend - Ashleigh. She’d just moved to our school, and I’d just moved house across the road from her. I can’t remember how we’d became friends, just that we did. It took me quite a while to get used to having someone outside the family being nice to me, but once I did, it became easier for me to fight the voices. But I always had the paranoia that she would harm me or leave me. I did everything she wanted, and I NEVER disagreed with her. She was my friend, but I was still terrified of her.

From then until Primary 7 things went on like that. Ashleigh was the only friend I ever really had. She would make friends with other people but I was never able to trust them. The voices were still telling me I was a freak and no matter how nice people were, they were only doing it to lure me closer to them so they could hurt me even more. I learned to deal with the voices so I didn’t act oddly around anyone, and I NEVER talked about it.

When I went to Secondary school I was still friends with Ashleigh, but she was never unpopular so made loads of friends and I could never trust them and was scared to be near them. I tried, but I just couldn’t do it. I ended up without any friends by the end of 1st year.

That was probably the worst thing that could’ve happened. Everything got worse from there. Everything the voices had ever told me had came true. I believed every single word they had ever said. And to make things even worse, the only friends I ever made over the next year left me within a few weeks and turned on me. My self-esteem hit rock bottom and I started self-harming a lot. I again lost the will to live, and had constant suicidal thoughts. The only thing I had to keep me going was Bob. But because of that I found I it harder to control so I would be discovered talking to “myself” and I became the biggest freak in school. I was again afraid to go to school. I again stopped eating because I didn’t see the point because I didn’t want to be alive anymore anyway. I contemplated and even attempted suicide several times, but something always stopped me - probably Bob - before I did any real damage, and no one ever found out.

Just before the summer holidays of 2nd year, I met Christina. We became friends just because we both had the same favourite band (Good Charlotte. A band that helped me a lot over the years. Especially with songs like “Hold On”, “Motivation Proclamation” and “Moving On”). I thought I finally had a friend that would stick with me. Then the summer holidays came. She had my mobile number but I didn’t have my phone with me that day so I didn’t have her mobile number. She told me she would phone me during the summer. She never did. My mood went straight back to what it was before. But when we went back to school after the holidays she still spoke to me and apologised about a million times for not phoning over the holidays. We stayed friends. We became friends with Alice and Caeleigh because Christina recognised Alice from a club they used to go to together a few years beforehand. It took me months to even be able to have a conversation with them though. So I had 3 friends. One who I was scared would leave me again, and two I could barely speak to. Then my own dad stopped contact with me altogether. I seriously just wanted to die. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sick of telling myself things would get better one day. I thought everything would be fine if I could just make friends. But it made matters worse because now I had to deal with everything and build up confidence in myself and trust in other people. But with the help of Bob and Good Charlotte, I held on and tried my hardest to make this work. I had my opportunity in front of me, I just had to work with it. About 5 months later I did it. It took a little while longer with Caeleigh - don’t know why. The simple task of being able to talk to someone without being terrified or stuttering was a major breakthrough for me. I managed to have a proper friendship with people. Everything seemed to be getting slightly better. But the voices and paranoia just wont stop! I thought that it’d be easier once I’d made friends. But everything just became much harder because now I had friendships to hold together with voices telling me I don’t deserve friends.

In the spring holidays we joined a social group with a few guys. I’ve never gotten close to them. Apart from Peter, who I fancied, and had done for about 2 years, but could never speak to him. We went out 3 times, adding each day we went out only came to 14 days. My lack of self-esteem and self-confidence was to blame for that. Being in a relationship was the most terrifying experience of my life. I always wanted to be with him but as soon as he was there I would tense up and get a sick feeling in my stomach. I haven’t been out with anyone since. And I’ve only liked one guy since but even just thinking about asking him out scared the life out of me. I now don’t like anyone and can’t see myself ever with a boyfriend.

By the end of 3rd year I was totally convinced Alice was only out to hurt me and she didn’t care about my feelings. I exaggerated everything she did in my head to make her out to be the worst friend ever. Even though she’s the best friend I’ve ever had. It’s a long story as to how, and it’s irrelevant, but me, Caeleigh and Christina didn’t speak to Alice the whole summer holidays. Probably the worst thing the voices ever did, because those 6 weeks almost killed her, and I don’t expect her to ever forgive me, and I’ll still hate myself forever for it regardless. I don’t think it would’ve happened if it wasn’t for the voices and paranoia. Bob couldn’t even rule over it that time. He tried, but failed. But I think I knew all along I was wrong. I was too confused to know anything then.

In the summer holidays the social group gradually got bigger. Every time someone new joined the group I would stay well out of the way and not speak to them unless they spoke to me. Then I’d make an excuse to not talk to them. People just thought I was being deliberately anti-social. Then we joined an even bigger social group where everyone talked to everyone and I talked to almost no one. It was absolutely no one if Caeleigh wasn’t with me and talking to other people as well.

4th year. This [school] year. We made up with Alice. The social group went back to being us and the guys because we kept getting chased away from our hangout by other teenagers with knives and chains and stuff. Surprisingly that didn’t worsen anything because it wasn’t only me they were targeting. From September to November/December-ish, I thought I was getting better again. I even made two new friends - Jade and Loren. But since then it’s just been getting worse again. It’s weakening my mind and I’m finding it harder to control. I don’t think I’m going to last much longer. I’ve had nightmares where I’ve hurt or even killed my friends. I’m terrified that I will because I’m losing control and I fear I’m going to lose control to the point where I will turn on those I hold close. I have done it before (Alice in the summer holidays) and I fear I’ll do it again but much worse this time. It’s already killing my social life. It’s caused me to argue with Jade and Loren over nothing. It’s stopping me from being able to comfort Alice who is having a real hard time at the moment, and I feel so horrible for it. I’ve become incapable of having fun. If I laugh at a joke or anything I feel so guilty. It’s caused me to stay in on my own instead of going out with my friends because the voices are telling me no one wants me out. That they don’t really like me. That they just feel sorry for me and they don’t have the heart to tell me I’m just crazy. They wont say that to me because they know it would kill me, quite literally. That they don’t really want me around. That I’m just an annoying little problem child that’s too scared to go away. It’s so frustrating! I just wish I was able to talk to people and do what I want without voices putting me down and telling me not to do anything!

I’ve tried seeking help before, but the voices always stopped me. They tell me that no one will believe me. The doctors will just tell me it’s hormones or that I’m just full of ****, then my friends will think I’m lying and think I’m just attention-seeking and I’ll lose the people I care about most, the only people that actually know all this, and still haven’t left me. The only people that have EVER stuck by me. Even now as I type this they’re telling me to stop, that no one can help. Part of me doesn’t want to post this because I can’t see how anyone can help. My whole situation seems hopeless to me. But I’ve been telling my friends that everyone needs at least a little hope or there’s no chance of them getting through anything, and I’ve realised that I’ve not been taking my own advice. So I’m going to. Before I lose control.

-Steph
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am i schizophrenic? (sorry, it's long)
Don't Let Your Future Be Destroyed By My Past - Blink 182 - Don't Leave Me

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  #2  
Old Apr 04, 2007, 03:39 PM
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littlemissjess littlemissjess is offline
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Well, there's always a possibility. Try talking to a counsellor and just tell them exactly what you're experiencing. Good luck to you!

Love,
Jessica
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"I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it. I don't believe it makes me real."
  #3  
Old Apr 04, 2007, 03:54 PM
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BeyondRedemption BeyondRedemption is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2007
Location: Scotland
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thanks
umm...i didn't really expect anyone to reply
the problem is, there isn't any councellers around here. there isn't even one in my school. the only way for me to talk to one i would have to tell my mum, and i'd rather not

-steph
xx
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am i schizophrenic? (sorry, it's long)
Don't Let Your Future Be Destroyed By My Past - Blink 182 - Don't Leave Me
  #4  
Old Apr 04, 2007, 09:52 PM
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spiritual_emergency spiritual_emergency is offline
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<blockquote>
Hello Steph:

Here's a few links that might be helpful to you. The first two lead to two other conversations in this forum related to hearing voices:

#1: Auditory Hallucinations

#2: Visual Hallucination

This third link is to an international association for people who hear voices. Reading through the information on their website might give you some ideas as to what you could try next: Hearing Voices Network They also have a confidential Helpline, although you will be charged for the call: HEARING VOICES CONFIDENTIAL HELPLINE: 0845 122 8642

This next link leads to a site with tons and tons of informative articles that also might be helpful to you. For example, you might find these articles to be interesting:<blockquote>[*] The Voice Inside
[*] Young Person's Introduction to Mental Health
[*] How to Increase Your Self Esteem
</blockquote>

You can find a summary of all their articles here: mind.org

I suggest you gather up some information for yourself first and then make the decision about what to do next... including whether or not to speak to your mother about what's been going on with you.


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  #5  
Old Apr 05, 2007, 07:45 AM
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BeyondRedemption BeyondRedemption is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2007
Location: Scotland
Posts: 66
thanks a lot. i'll try that

xx
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am i schizophrenic? (sorry, it's long)
Don't Let Your Future Be Destroyed By My Past - Blink 182 - Don't Leave Me
  #6  
Old Apr 05, 2007, 08:25 AM
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spiritual_emergency spiritual_emergency is offline
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Best of luck to you Steph. am i schizophrenic? (sorry, it's long)


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~ Kindness is cheap. It's unkindness that always demands the highest price.
  #7  
Old Apr 22, 2007, 06:19 AM
shotyouth shotyouth is offline
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attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.



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