Safe Place

I haven't ever talked to another person with psychosis before, at least, not about psychosis. So, I've never seen people who think the same things as me. Like other dimensions, and the whole spirituality thing where you don't want to be spiritual out of fear that it's all a religious delusion.
It's actually pretty comforting.
Though, for some reason they're putting thoughts in my head a lot while looking through the forum. They keep telling me that I'm faking. I've only skimmed through this post because it's a long one, so I don't know if anyone else mentioned it, but does anyone else have that? Voices telling them they're faking having hallucinations and stuff. It's really ironic when I think about it, but it still annoys me when it happens.

I was doing pretty good the past couple of weeks. At least in comparison to how I was before the medications, I was in touch with reality, and I was relatively non-paranoid. Today that all went to shambles. I started thinking about people trying to hurt me again, and started getting into that fight or flight feeling. I'm convinced my best friend attempted to assassinate me today. He tried to make me feel so bad that I'd commit suicide by telling my girlfriend bad things about me.
Then I came here because I felt like the only way I'd find someone who could relate would be if they were also psychotic.

I wake up every 1.5 hours at night and try to go back to bed If i'm able. I lost my muse for the book I've been writing ever since I've been on this anti depressant. I feel less and less like myself. Music has no effect on me. Philosophy has lost its charms. Therefore, so has writing my book. I'm too tired and unmotivated to actually make even an outline. sigh.

I need uninterrupted sleep and at least be motivated to write again. I already sacrificed many things, I don't want to sacrifice my creativity and my passion. With this new SNRI I feel as though it's stolen even more away from me.

Please, if there is a God, don't steal my passion away from me, that sense of wonder that's felt in the heart and speaks my head. You've taken a lot but leave me something to live for again.

Yep. In the beginning, that is. The first voice that really shouted at me told me I was "borderline", implying my experiences were not legitimate. It caused me so much hurt and confusion. However, since my psychiatrists were seriously concerned about my psychosis that particular voice has gone silent.

I'm sorry you're having trouble with motivation, Ody. I'm praying for you, if you take that as anything. I still really want to reading your book. It's something that I look forward to a great deal.

I'll email the first rough draft in prose so you can get the idea. However, the lyrical component will take me 4 hours for every 4 pages. That's not going to happen any time soon.

Thanks for caring, Door. I appreciate you.

Hows everything Ody? Thinking about you. Is the "O" in your name an "o" or a zero?

They're tricking me to tell me im not different and that what i see isnt real. i know it is. He's real, he talks to me. his friends do too. some come through mirrors. others follow me. hes stroking my cheek right now, i can feel it. i know he's real.

Theres a microchip in me. I KNOW it. I'm not positive where. Possibly in my teeth. I've thought about buying a scanner but I dont think it would work. I asked my husband today if he thought we had them. He said no. Not sure what to think of that. Idk what they are using it for, or if its activated, but I KNOW it's there. Nervous and thinking about stopping using the internet and my phone unless I have to make emergency calls. Afraid to talk to anyone. My insurance called and I wanted to hang up. Like they're in on this too or that its not them.

So I thought I was out the woods so to speak having been medication free for two weeks. Risperidone has a pretty short half-life so I was certain if I was to have any worsening of symptoms it would have been within days of stopping. However, two weeks on my voices have suddenly gotten more persistent. I was only hearing them for a few minutes every hour or so but now they have come back most the time unless I am distracted. They haven't got any louder just more persistent as I said.

This made me a bit on edge that I might be headed towards some sort of relapse, I was feeling on edge & almost looking out for paranoia but I think that's just anxiety really. I don't have any other indicators of relapse so for the moment I think it's just a case of a slight return of symptoms after coming off medication or at least I hope so.

As far as I'm concerned as long as my paranoia doesn't come back then there is nothing to worry about. It's on my mind a bit but I'm going to do my best to just get on with life & not worry.

It took 9 months off meds for me to start to relapse, it's not just when the meds are out of your system because there are epigenetic changes as well. While I wouldn't worry if your symptoms continue to get worse I would let the pdoc know so they can monitor you more closely....

I went back down on my SNRI (Effexor) to half the therapeutic dosage and everything is pretty good. I still have partial anhedonia, but I have for awhile now. I'm able to write and research again. However, I have to have two beers every morning because the Klonopin only does so much.

As for my book, there is a lot of grunt work that needs to be done. I want all quotes tightly into the book I own and not all the books that the professors are using, which are various. It's grunt work and I hate it but it will be over.

Three lectures on Aristotle then BOOM the story hits it's climax. I'll start on that but I need to go back to each chapter and show how each dialogue changes the main character's life a bit.

Have you read Sophie's World? If you go into a psychology classroom you will see that 80 percent of the students are female. If you go into a philosophy classroom you will see 80 percent males. Sophie's world was targeting women in philosophy. This aims are targeting young men.

Today I'm a little frustrated. I wanted an outline but I have to get these quotes in order, then go on a Word document, put It all down piece by piece until the arguments are in order. Then, inbetween the spaces I can have room for criticism, insights, metaphors and allegories. Aristotle needs these things because by himself he is so arid and dry.

So yeah, basically, the half dosage of my SNRI seems to be working. I think it's making me gain some weight though. Mostly in my arms though. They're huge! Hahaha

How are you doing Newtus? How is 15mg of Haldol(Spelling?) doing for you?

If only the earth could swallow me whole. I'm so sad there aren't even tears for it thanks to my meds. I am so broken down and lonely. I'm not in the world anymore. I'm just floating along side it and no one knows I'm there.

My friend will be leaving soon and it's the loneliest feeling in the world. Can I please just say I wish I were dead without anyone coming at me.

This contains suicidal ideation triggering with a method.

thats how alone/lonely i feel everyday

You could also end up in a bad way physically if it doesn't work. Quadriplegic bad.

I know. I'm almost that crippled now though but I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I was more worried others could get hurt or injured in a crash.

Loial: I think trying not to focus on the voices and not worrying is a good plan for now. The more we listen to the voices, the more we train our brain to hear the voices, like with tinnitus (it's called habituation). You can't control the voices but you CAN control your reaction to them. Sometimes our anxiety about things worsening can cause things to worsen, so focus on relaxation and distraction techniques. There is also the option of going up to 1mg to taper off if you need to.

Angelique: I don't want you to think that I'm "coming at you", but I hope you won't do that. Not just because of you being hurt or killed, but also other people. A family friend is a train driver and he was deeply distressed at almost hitting a suicidal guy a while ago. This feeling will pass. It always does. Look after yourself until it does - do whatever makes you feel good e.g. watch DVDs wrapped in a snuggly blanket, have a hot bubble bath, whatever makes you feel better. The only constant in life is change. Hold onto that. This feeling will pass. Stay safe

Ody: I read Sophie's World as a teenager and loved it. I had never thought about philosophy before then. Good luck with your book.

*Willow*

Have you told a health professional about this. Maybe it's time for some serious help. Last year I had a plan and date. Therapy did nothing. Therapy never did much for me. They put me on an SSRI and wow! Now I'm under an SNRI at a very low dosage and I don't have any more of those thoughts.

I don't think meds do much for BPD. DBT and therpay is really helpful for this type of thing though.

That's kind of insulting. Because you're talking about me to Ody instead of talking to me and I didn't bring up BPD. So if I have BPD that invalidates my thoughts? My thoughts are different because of BPD? What if I made some similar comment about you?

I don't want to sound callous; but I didn't see anything insulting in chickenfoot's post. What she said is actually true. Meds don't do very much for people with BPD or any personality disorder. Therapy is generally seen as the first line treatment for personality disorders. Meds are used to treat comorbid conditions like schizophrenia, bipolar, and the like.

I am undergoing therapy now for my personality disorder even though it's not borderline PD.

First of all, I didn't offer my BPD in any post here. Second of all, chickenfoot talked about me to Ody as if I weren't right here. If she had something to say to *me*, then say it to me and not someone else. Im done explaining. This is not a safe place.

Angelique, I don't think BPD invalidates your thoughts/feelings at all just to be clear. People with BPD suffer a lot and it is very valid suffering. I've seen a lot of people with BPD and while they can act out sometimes, their feelings are still just as valid as anyone else's.