Safe Place

Had a horrible dream last night that a famous person inserted a tracking device into my finger. The look on his face when he did it is still creeping me out. In the dream I said to my bf 'see I told you there were trying to get me' and he agreed. It got weirder from there. Now I feel really paranoid that that's what they're going to do/have done. I've never worried about tracking devices before but I am now.

It was Tuesday when I said that yes, but I was meaning next week.

I know... it just sucks when I'd been trying to give up smoking for a year, had just managed & things were going supposedly well.

The sad fact is that if I hadn't resorted to getting cigarettes then I'd be better off. They don't really help. Sure they seem to help my anxiety at the moment but the anxiety wouldn't be there to the extent it is if I hadn't smoked a cigarette in the first place... they don't really help my mood either.

I honestly can't afford them either... my savings run out in June. After that it's just the allowance my parents give me which covers food with a little left over if I spend sensibly. Nowhere near enough to fund smoking plus it means I won't have any spare money to spend on myself.

The annoying thing is I can't just switch to my mouth spray because it'll be way too strong right now. Probably in a couple of weeks but by then I'll have pretty much given in... god knows how long it'll take to get the right mind set again with all this going on.

I know it's not my fault really... not like I should have expected my mood to suddenly go to **** but still. It's just one more thing to add to the list of evidence pointing to fact I'm a failure.

PS - anxiety & depression is a horrible combination. As soon as the worries go the clouds roll over my mind... still, at least my evenings seem to offer some respite.

I've still got that glimmer of hope, that I can stop this spiralling into full-blown depression but I don't know... everything is just going wrong right now.

It was just a dream/nightmare...

They have little basis in reality. Perhaps it is a sub-conscious fear of yours or something you have come across in some way recently... dreams rarely have literal meanings, especially when they are weird like you say.

I know these things can seem very real & it'll be hard to get it off your mind but try not to put too much emphasis on it.

I need help with my situation. I'm going to kill a dead baby scorpion names gepetto.

Chickenfoot...please don't do it.
On the other hand, does any of you feel too "neutral" most of the time?

My toast fell butter side down.

FML

That time when Brad Pitt didn't know what was in the box.

What's in the boooooooooooox????!!!????

I'm so ****ing depressed right now.

You know what that means? S-A-F-E-T-Y Dance!

I have a little coreography to let go of my anger. It involves using imaginary superpowers and punching the air a lot.

28 hours of not sleeping. This huge interval always dangerous for me. I start having anxiety and a scary visual hallucination. I turn on my aromatherapy, rose scent, hopefully it will make me relax. I remember willow told me about pacing, I'll do it now and see how it goes.

I hope the pacing helps and you're able to get some sleep.

My last ditch effort to fall asleep is to watch a movie that I've seen a million times. You're mind then is near complete passive cognitively and affectively.

Thanks everyone, pacing helped a bit. Im gonna try ody's suggestion now.

Suddenly I have this thought, is this how angels and demons feel? Watching human sleeping and then wake up living their life before going back to sleep again. My next novel will be a fantasy story, about a "cursed" human who has to live a thousand years without any privilege to sleep, eat, or any daily activity like we all have. His mission is to lead human kind to have a better life, like say, in technology and science, without making his name ever mention in history book.

That sounds very original, 12PM. I like it. He must have a great soul to not want to leave behind his memory. Most great men only desire honor. You're man is completely selfless.

33 hours. I can't stop counting, sorry. I wonder how bad the depression would be after this intense mania. I bet it would be really bad. Which is good maybe, since I am about to write a sentimental part in my novel. With one condition of course, I can get out of my bed. I just did cardio. I'll take a shower and buy myself a lot of ice cream. Screw sleeping.

I'm not well. Physically I'm still fine but mentally I feel feel disjointed. Not psychotic so maybe I'm posting in the wrong place but out of control disorders eating and OCD flare up and I feel like my brain is breaking apart I feel I'm losing control something is leaving me my spirit is dying I don't feel well maybe I'll float away and watch myself again idk

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It worst at night my thoughts are running I feel this anxiety controlling me I can't sleep there is no one nothing to distract me from my racing thoughts of uncertainty and doubt and insecurity and weakness and obsessions and compulsions

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I'm in the same boat, Insomnia and thinking about painful things. I hope we both can get to sleep soon.

So, the other day I decided I should consider which AP I would go back on if any of what is going on with me translates into a return of symptoms....

Perhaps that was prescient.

I've had anxiety(/paranoia?) over what look like unsavoury people when I've been out smoking the past few days. Couple of times when I've seen these people & the street has been empty I've finished my cigarette fast to go back inside quick before they got to me. It's not like I specifically think they are after me, just more fearing the worst.

This morning when I went to buy cigarettes, there was a guy walking down the road singing in Arabic. I think. Sounded something like that. Anyway, I kept my distance & walked a different way when he turned to go down one of my routes home. Figured he might have been a terrorist.

You can certainly put those things down to anxiety, they aren't too far fetched. But then again... maybe not...

Kinda felt that agitated headspace you get with paranoia once or twice with a couple of those incidents. But as I said, no real delusional element.

I don't know. I seem a little agitated today & I swear that colours are a bit brighter. It's something I had during my last period of psychosis.

I am not sure though. I've got a cold, or allergies are playing up at the moment & it could just be anxiety, which I know is playing up at the moment itself.

I really don't want to have to go back on meds. I'm not sure what magic point I am waiting for though, but as of yet... nothing strange has happened. I suppose there is a possibility things will slide fast & god knows... but I don't want to go back on meds if it is just anxiety playing up.

It's a difficult one, at which point does exaggerated worrying/fears become paranoia...

Guess I'll just have to wait & see...

For me my pdoc waited not for the first symptoms but as they started to worsen which took a week or two, in my case I called the pdoc to let her know though.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense...

It's just hard to know how things would progress. Drugs have always been involved in the past. The first time it was sudden & I had no idea I was psychotic, whilst the second time it was somewhat more gradual & I knew.

I suppose I just have to assume I would know things were going downhill. I can call my pdoc if that happens.

For now I'll just have to try not to worry...

Loial, you could be giving yourself a whole lotta anxiety just by thinking so deeply into all this. Just take it day by day and find out about some therapy. It'd be good for you to have someone bounce these ideas off.

Thanks.

I'm not obsessing over it... it's just a bit of being prudent although of course I know that leads to worrying too.

I was looking up CBT the other day, I think I actually did do CBT before. Judging by what it said is done plus it can be as little as 5-6 sessions like I did.

That stuff does help a bit, but unfortunately with GAD, worrying tends to be excessive. Can be rather hard to control even when you know deep down you are working yourself up.

Plus I think at the moment I am somewhat prone to negative thinking all things considered.

I'll be fine.

If you got in with a psychologist I think it'd be really beneficial. Over here they don't really say "oh we're doing CBT and we're limited to 6 sessions so let's go" they just chat with you, find out your needs and go from there. Some of my sessions are talk therapy (like when I'm in really bad form) but most of them are learning skills from a variety of different types of therapy. We don't really name them, just learn them. If that makes any sense.

If it's impacting your life, stopping you from moving on, getting a job, finding some friends... then therapy could be really beneficial.