[Velut_aegri_somnia]

My therapist told me she thought I had both traits of schizoid personality disorder and traits of schizoaffective disorder..after discovering what they are, I asked myself in what way does my condition differentiate from that of the negative and positive symptoms of schizophrenia. Could you please help me understand this(I stopped going to that therapist, I moved to another city, and don't feel much desire to contact her to ask his)? One of the things I don't understand about this diagnosis is what traits I have of bipolar disorder. I don't have mood swings. I don't feel euphoric. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything at all, most of the time, though I used to be a very emotional and empathetic individual. Now everything is indifferent to me, except trying to hide how indifferent I've become to everything and everybody, including my two friends and family. I recently lost a member of my family, who I much loved, and I couldn't feel emotions, as though I too were already dead. I've been isolating myself more and more in the past 12 years - I'm 27 now - and direct contact with others - especially if it involves communication - is unbearable to me. I don't feel pleasure in anything - except drinking and smoking - or any worthy motivation to exist, other than the feeling of guilt that arises when I plan to cease to do so. I've stopped medication a few months ago(antipsychotics and antidepressants) because I was gaining so much weight, and I would then get paranoid that others all around me were silently reproaching me for it.
I've had several delusions, one of which lasted 4 years(erotomanic, involving a radio speaker), and visual hallucinations, from time to time. I spent the last month talking to myself, saying the same things over and over and walking up and down my flat for no apparent reason. I get very obsessive, from time to time. I registered on this site in the hope that I might meet others who I can understand and who can understand me. Sorry if my english is not perfect. I hope somebody will find the time and the will to reply. Thank you.

[insilence]

i can relate with communication with others. If a angry person even gets near me the voices i hear will react and punish me. I used to pace alot because of the voices and fear. Im on a med that greatly has improved my sanity. and am getting back into my normal self. It takes self discipline but having those main causation factors reduced helps alot.

Welcome to PC!

Are you planning on seeing a new therapist or psychiatrist in your new area? I ask because what you describe could be a few possibilities and somebody in real life will be better placed to help you understand what is happening to you.

One thing about schizoaffective disorder is that it can be either bipolar type (hypo/mania and depression) or depression (only) type. Depression can present as feeling numb/emotion-less, rather than feeling sadness.

I will admit that I know very little about schizoid personality disorder, but my impression was that people with that weren't bothered by their lack of sociability etc. Lack of motivation and social anxiety are just 2 of a number of explanations that can also cause a person to isolate themselves from others.

I am curious as to what happened 12 years ago when this all began? That's largely rhetorical because it may be too personal to share online, but I think your journey from where you were 12 years ago to where you are now could provide important clues to a therapist/Dr or even yourself as to what caused this.

More important though is working out where you want to go from here? What do you want to do with your life - what are your values and goals? Reconnecting with those will help you see what your next step is.

All the best

*Willow*

[Door2015]

Hi, welcome to PC. I'm sorry that you've been going through all these things without much insight. I hope you will find solace, this is a really great place to find support.

[EllieGreene]

I don't think schizoaffective disorder is connected to bipolar disorder, so you wouldn't see traits of bipolar disorder. Schizoaffective is similar to schizophrenia but it includes mood issues along with it. That could be depressive traits which are a lot like the negative symtoms of schizophrenia but must be more than that. Does your mood fluctuate?

You pose a very good question. A new therapist is a good idea. Have you had these issues since you were 15? That's pretty young. What was it like back then? how did it all start? I ask because my son is 15 and he began isolating and talking/laughing to himself about a year ago and we are trying to figure out how to help him. He jogs around the house a lot thinking and laughing and occasionally turns destructive and angry. He went off the meds he'd been taking for the past 6 weeks and the outbursts began. He went back to taking meds last week, thankfully, so we hope he can function well enough for school! Last school year was a nightmare!

Sorry to go on and on. I wish you the best! Take care of yourself. I really think meds can help.

[RisuNeko]

Schizoaffective CAN be connected to bipolar. You can have depressive type or bipolar type. Bipolar type includes both depression and mania but the psychotic features must be present even when not in a mood episode.

[Velut_aegri_somnia]

Thank you - all of you - for your kind and interesting answers, and for the warm welcome and support you're giving to me and others in similar situations.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Welcome to PC!

Are you planning on seeing a new therapist or psychiatrist in your new area? I ask because what you describe could be a few possibilities and somebody in real life will be better placed to help you understand what is happening to you.

One thing about schizoaffective disorder is that it can be either bipolar type (hypo/mania and depression) or depression (only) type. Depression can present as feeling numb/emotion-less, rather than feeling sadness.

I will admit that I know very little about schizoid personality disorder, but my impression was that people with that weren't bothered by their lack of sociability etc. Lack of motivation and social anxiety are just 2 of a number of explanations that can also cause a person to isolate themselves from others.

I am curious as to what happened 12 years ago when this all began? That's largely rhetorical because it may be too personal to share online, but I think your journey from where you were 12 years ago to where you are now could provide important clues to a therapist/Dr or even yourself as to what caused this.

More important though is working out where you want to go from here? What do you want to do with your life - what are your values and goals? Reconnecting with those will help you see what your next step is.

All the best

*Willow*

Thank you, and to you too. I will start therapy next week, primarily because it's less tedious than having to talk with the people around me about how I'm doing, what I'm feeling, what are my hopes for the future, how will I find a job, what do I want to do with my life, and pretend all the time that I feel the intimacy, interest and strength required to answer honestly to such questions. I can't imagine having a future at all. As I perceive things now, if anybody really knew me or loved me, they would just leave me alone. I perceive being spoken to as a demonstration of hatred, even though I understand it could likely be the opposite. This said, I enjoy, and dare say need, social interaction over the internet, though not on social networks, just with carefully selected individuals, strangers with whom I share an interest, a passion, a personality trait, or unrelated experiences. What happened when I was 15? I think I became more and more aware of how different I was feeling from everybody else in my school, in my family, wherever I went and whatever I did. People seemed to live in a realm that to me was unaccessible. I felt so alone, and never managed to adapt without forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. It was as if I were bursting with life to the point where this worldly domain was not enough to contain it; and suddenly being alive felt like a limit, and solitude the only place where I could free myself from it, and be complete. I rejected this world entirely - regarded its reality as absurdity - and lived with the pain and bliss that meant, in a world of my own that made sense to me. My delusions started more or less at that age, 14-15 - I started having my first erotomanic episodes, or believing I had a terrible disease(and both these things reoccured several times throughout the years), or that everybody was speaking horribly about me, and since then, things never got better. I tried working now and then, but I never managed to fit in, or was inappropriate and rude to people. I tried university, but I loved it so much I would sort of "forget" I had exams to do. After my last delusion, which involved a professor of mine(I believed we were communicating through a code system), I stopped going to lessons, and wasn't ever able to concentrate again. Right now I have to decide whether to drop university or not, which is a painful decision, because I love studying, and have been doing so for the past 7 years, though without even getting close to a degree. My values and goals in life? I wish I could just find some peace, outside and inside myself. But mostly I believe the kind of peace I'm looking for is not attainable while living, because, as Emily Dickinson put it, "a Suspicion, like a Finger/ touches my Forehead now and then/ that I am looking oppositely/ For the site of the Kingdom of Heaven".

[Velut_aegri_somnia]

Originally Posted by BAPsych1988

Have you had these issues since you were 15? That's pretty young. What was it like back then? how did it all start? I ask because my son is 15 and he began isolating and talking/laughing to himself about a year ago and we are trying to figure out how to help him. He jogs around the house a lot thinking and laughing and occasionally turns destructive and angry. He went off the meds he'd been taking for the past 6 weeks and the outbursts began. He went back to taking meds last week, thankfully, so we hope he can function well enough for school! Last school year was a nightmare!

Sorry to go on and on. I wish you the best! Take care of yourself. I really think meds can help.

Thank you. I'm sorry for your son, and what he and you must be going through. I don't really know how you can help him, as I didn't receive help at the time. My father was never home, and my mother was very abusive and nasty towards me, especially at that age. She always picked on me, and dismissed my problems - I had eating disorders at the time, too - by saying I was just "playing the victim", or just "too emotional". I didn't receive professional attention until I was 20, and by that time I was already quite a damaged individual. My mother has changed a lot since then, thankfully, I suppose because I learnt to defend myself from her, but I'm sure that my life would have been completely different, had she been more respectful, attentive and understanding towards me. So in my mind, I believe you're already doing the best you can do for your son, that is to be there for him, and finding a way of making him feel part of the family, rather than a flaw within it, as he probably doesn't feel a part of the rest of the world, and the rest of the world is most likely not going to help him to feel a part of it, if he doesn't himself. Another advice I'd like to give, is: if he has any creative interests and passions, encourage them as much as you can. I stopped making art, playing the piano, writing, at a certain point, because my mother always interrupted and harrassed me. But they were the only things that were helping me at the time.

I'm glad that you are starting to see a therapist next week. It sounds like you have lots of things to process from the past, and important decisions to make about the future.

Originally Posted by Velut_aegri_somnia

My values and goals in life? I wish I could just find some peace, outside and inside myself. But mostly I believe the kind of peace I'm looking for is not attainable while living, because, as Emily Dickinson put it, "a Suspicion, like a Finger/ touches my Forehead now and then/ that I am looking oppositely/ For the site of the Kingdom of Heaven".

I used to feel like that a lot. Sometimes I still do. I like this quote about happiness (though it can just as easily be about peace):

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

Nathaniel Hawthorne

I used to chase after the butterfly; desperate to find relief from the pain of living, but then I learnt about mindfulness. There's lots of different ways to practise mindfulness. Personally I find the awareness of my body stuff, like focusing on my breathing, anxiety-provoking and it makes me feel worse, but focusing on what is going on around me has allowed me the opportunity to feel the butterfly rest on my shoulder, sometimes just for a moment, but those moments have given me the strength to survive until the next moment.

Some examples that work for me:

- stroking my dog when he's asleep - feeling his fur beneath my fingers, listening to his (sometimes loud) snores, feeling his chest rising and falling, feeling the warmth of his body on mine

- sitting in the garden in the sunshine - watching the bees among the flowers, listening to their gentle buzz, feeling the breeze on my skin, hearing the rustle of the leaves, smelling my mum's delicate roses, observing the changes in the garden since I was last there, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face

- colouring (there are some great adult colouring books available) - feeling the paper beneath my hand, hearing the coloured pencils rub the paper, seeing the colours appear on the page

There are many ways to be mindful, and some may work better for you than others. Initially it is hard to learn to quieten your mind and observe without judgement but, with practice, I found stillness in these exercises, and with that stillness, a gentle sort of contentment, which I drink in and replay over and over in my head when I'm struggling, and that gets me through to the next moment of peace.

Originally Posted by Velut_aegri_somnia

Another advice I'd like to give, is: if he has any creative interests and passions, encourage them as much as you can. I stopped making art, playing the piano, writing, at a certain point, because my mother always interrupted and harrassed me. But they were the only things that were helping me at the time.

Perhaps some peace could be found in taking up your creative pursuits again?

All the best

*Willow*