[tiger8]

Hi all so I'm wondering why I feel a desire at times that I would like to be schizophrenic locked-in inside my mind. And what to do about it. (I know this may sound strange, yes.)

When I feel this desire, I also start seeing random negative images overlaying physically visible reality that I normally see with my two eyes. And, weirdly enough, it's like, it feels so so addictive good for a bit, then it goes away when I suddenly realize I don't want it that much after all.

It went away for a while for a few weeks this Spring. Then very recently I started feeling a stronger than ever pull towards this. I had a stronger version of overlaying too.

I mean, to me something only qualifies as a hallucination if what you are imagining does not go away when you actually directly look at the object. Well, that kinda happened now. Though not totally because I of course knew that it wasn't logical to see those things. So they did not feel fully real but...yeah, that was kinda a stronger effect than what I had before.

I did previously have two episodes that would qualify as at least a partial loss of connection with reality. For short times (for a few minutes) nearly full loss of it. Those happened about 2.5 and 3.5 years ago but they both had the same specific trigger that I will not allow to happen anymore.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[Sometimes psychotic]

I think you should talk with a psychiatrist about it, it doesn't sound like anything I've heard of.

[junkDNA]

what seems appealing about being psychotic to you?

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

what seems appealing about being psychotic to you?

That's a good question. Btw when I say psychotic it'd just be me seeing these things all day, locked into that non-real world. Like I wouldn't have to deal with the real world anymore. My mind would not have to take in reality anymore. Could just give up on it and enjoy the negative imagery instead in my mind.

Make any sense?

Also how do I get rid of this... I don't want to just take medication if possible?

[tiger8]

Also, this may be a silly question but I'm genuinely curious, can this be a start to schizophrenia? Did anyone else have this?

Thanks for any thoughts.

[Axiom]

Originally Posted by tiger8

That's a good question. Btw when I say psychotic it'd just be me seeing these things all day, locked into that non-real world. Like I wouldn't have to deal with the real world anymore. My mind would not have to take in reality anymore. Could just give up on it and enjoy the negative imagery instead in my mind.

Make any sense?

Also how do I get rid of this... I don't want to just take medication if possible?

This sounds like some form of dissociation. I don't think it's the start of schizophrenia but if you have a therapist you can mention it to him/her. At any rate I think therapy could help.

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by Axiom

This sounds like some form of dissociation. I don't think it's the start of schizophrenia but if you have a therapist you can mention it to him/her. At any rate I think therapy could help.

Thanks, what sort of dissociation do you mean? Can you be a bit more specific on that?

As for me thinking of schizophrenia, maybe I was going too far with that, sure but I did have some psychotic episodes before as mentioned; with actual disconnect from reality

I did also have weird moments where I just could not interpret sensory information too well due to some sort of filter having gone missing. I don't think that classifies as dissociation does it?

Though those moments haven't happened in the last couple of months, last time was in March this year (first time was about 3 years ago). They could last from a few seconds to half an hour.

[Axiom]

Originally Posted by tiger8

Thanks, what sort of dissociation do you mean? Can you be a bit more specific on that?

As for me thinking of schizophrenia, maybe I was going too far with that, sure but I did have some psychotic episodes before as mentioned; with actual disconnect from reality

I did also have weird moments where I just could not interpret sensory information too well due to some sort of filter having gone missing. I don't think that classifies as dissociation does it?

Though those moments haven't happened in the last couple of months, last time was in March this year (first time was about 3 years ago). They could last from a few seconds to half an hour.

No, sorry, I can't be more specific as I've never heard of anything like this before and I'm not an expert or a professional. It just sounds more like dissociation to me than psychosis (both involve a detachment from reality, but with psychosis it becomes difficult to tell what is real and what is not real). I once dissociated during an apointment and I saw everything in black and white for like half a minute, then it passed. I felt confused and also felt like I was in a movie rather than in real life, but I was still rational (no delusions or loss of reality) and knew the world wasn't really black and white or a movie. Other times I've had the feeling that I'm not real, but it wasn't psychosis because it was just a feeling - I was still rational. Dissociation (and psychosis) causes and can be caused by stress, which I guess could explain the difficulties you had with processing sensory information, though I'm not exactly sure that I know what you mean. But I do know that when I get stressed, thinking straight and understanding information becomes very difficult.

If you have been psychotic before and this recent experience troubles you then it's probably a good idea to talk to a professional no matter what it actually is. And no one here can give you a definitive answer, but a professional might be able to.

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by Axiom

No, sorry, I can't be more specific as I've never heard of anything like this before and I'm not an expert or a professional. It just sounds more like dissociation to me than psychosis (both involve a detachment from reality, but with psychosis it becomes difficult to tell what is real and what is not real). I once dissociated during an apointment and I saw everything in black and white for like half a minute, then it passed. I felt confused and also felt like I was in a movie rather than in real life, but I was still rational (no delusions or loss of reality) and knew the world wasn't really black and white or a movie. Other times I've had the feeling that I'm not real, but it wasn't psychosis because it was just a feeling - I was still rational. Dissociation (and psychosis) causes and can be caused by stress, which I guess could explain the difficulties you had with processing sensory information, though I'm not exactly sure that I know what you mean. But I do know that when I get stressed, thinking straight and understanding information becomes very difficult.

If you have been psychotic before and this recent experience troubles you then it's probably a good idea to talk to a professional no matter what it actually is. And no one here can give you a definitive answer, but a professional might be able to.

Thanks for the explanation. Yeah when I was psychotic before I didn't know what was real but with these "hallucinations" I do still know what's real so what you say makes sense. I just somehow wish that I wouldn't even know anymore what's real so that's a strange desire there. And so I should convince myself that I shouldn't want this...

The episodes about the sensory filter issue were not stress related. I was not tired in those cases and I could think straight but I could not see the world very well, everything was distorted. All I could notice as a trigger was that in these cases my mind was again trying to go far from reality but more in an unconscious fashion - if that makes sense...?

I hope I can find a way to discuss with a professional about all this, yes, but in the meantime it's maybe helpful to be able to talk at least here... thanks.

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by Axiom

I once dissociated during an apointment and I saw everything in black and white for like half a minute, then it passed. I felt confused and also felt like I was in a movie rather than in real life, but I was still rational (no delusions or loss of reality) and knew the world wasn't really black and white or a movie. Other times I've had the feeling that I'm not real, but it wasn't psychosis because it was just a feeling - I was still rational.

Btw, that black and white thingie is really interesting :s What sort of dissociation have you been diagnosed with if I may ask?

[Loial]

I don't have much input that hasn't already been said by Axiom. I'm not quite sure what you mean by images overlaying but to contrast to what I have had in the way of visual hallucinations, I saw what you would call illusions which were objects appearing to almost move out the corner of my eye or objects standing out more than their surroundings. I've had depersonalization before to mild extent whilst on ketamine once & that was like seeing the world but from a third-person perspective almost. Quite different experiences although of course you might get other types of dissociation.

Perhaps you could post in the Dissociative Disorders section of PC & see what they have to say.

Who knows you might get more people who can relate to you there. It's worth a shot if you don't have the means to see a psychiatrist at the moment although that would seem the best course of action.

[Axiom]

Originally Posted by tiger8

Btw, that black and white thingie is really interesting :s What sort of dissociation have you been diagnosed with if I may ask?

Actually I don't have a dissociative disorder, my diagnosis is schizophrenia and I've only dissociated a few times (four, maybe). And it has always been for a short time only. I don't think my episodes of dissociation would warrant a diagnosis of any sort.

Originally Posted by tiger8

Thanks for the explanation. Yeah when I was psychotic before I didn't know what was real but with these "hallucinations" I do still know what's real so what you say makes sense. I just somehow wish that I wouldn't even know anymore what's real so that's a strange desire there. And so I should convince myself that I shouldn't want this...

The episodes about the sensory filter issue were not stress related. I was not tired in those cases and I could think straight but I could not see the world very well, everything was distorted. All I could notice as a trigger was that in these cases my mind was again trying to go far from reality but more in an unconscious fashion - if that makes sense...?

I hope I can find a way to discuss with a professional about all this, yes, but in the meantime it's maybe helpful to be able to talk at least here... thanks.

From personal experience I think it would be easier for you to change the thoughts that are troubling you if you had someone to talk to about them, maybe just a friend who can relate. And I agree with Loial, you might get better opinions at the dissociative disorders section and maybe you'd even find someone with similar experiences. Worth trying, at least! Wish I could help more.

[EllieGreene]

How old are you, if I may ask?

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by Loial

I don't have much input that hasn't already been said by Axiom. I'm not quite sure what you mean by images overlaying but to contrast to what I have had in the way of visual hallucinations, I saw what you would call illusions which were objects appearing to almost move out the corner of my eye or objects standing out more than their surroundings. I've had depersonalization before to mild extent whilst on ketamine once & that was like seeing the world but from a third-person perspective almost. Quite different experiences although of course you might get other types of dissociation.

Perhaps you could post in the Dissociative Disorders section of PC & see what they have to say.

Who knows you might get more people who can relate to you there. It's worth a shot if you don't have the means to see a psychiatrist at the moment although that would seem the best course of action.

Thank you for the suggestions, I will definitely try posting in that section too.

As for the images overlaying the actual sensory visual input, it's just literally that, my mind ignores the sensory input and sees something else instead, some image(s) that's loaded with negative content. This with me directly looking at objects, not just from the corner of my eye.

Makes sense to you?

It's not depersonalization, btw

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by BAPsych1988

How old are you, if I may ask?

32, why do you ask?

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by Axiom

Actually I don't have a dissociative disorder, my diagnosis is schizophrenia and I've only dissociated a few times (four, maybe). And it has always been for a short time only. I don't think my episodes of dissociation would warrant a diagnosis of any sort.

Ah yeah I saw it mentioned since then in some of your threads

From personal experience I think it would be easier for you to change the thoughts that are troubling you if you had someone to talk to about them, maybe just a friend who can relate. And I agree with Loial, you might get better opinions at the dissociative disorders section and maybe you'd even find someone with similar experiences. Worth trying, at least! Wish I could help more.

The thoughts that are troubling me... I don't think they are changeable, unfortunately. It's like my whole life is being bet on this stuff. My life or at least my mental health which is basically the same thing anyway. I feel like either my mind will crack one day or will continue to withstand s**t but only if s**t in my life gets resolved.

Thanks though!

[RisuNeko]

Was the specific trigger for your loss of touch with reality drug induced? I know in college I went temporarily completely psychotic 4 times from marijuana use, like realllly psychotic. And every now and then I feel like trying marijuana again to get that same effect because it is so interesting but also horrifying. I think I forget how horrifying it is and just remember the escape from reality aspect which can be appealing at times. But ultimately it's not worth it. I could easily end up in a hospital and that is a huge fear of mine. Pot is legal in my state but it still made me paranoid about cops coming after me and I know it's not good with mental illness so i try to avoid it these days (years).

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

Was the specific trigger for your loss of touch with reality drug induced? I know in college I went temporarily completely psychotic 4 times from marijuana use, like realllly psychotic. And every now and then I feel like trying marijuana again to get that same effect because it is so interesting but also horrifying. I think I forget how horrifying it is and just remember the escape from reality aspect which can be appealing at times. But ultimately it's not worth it. I could easily end up in a hospital and that is a huge fear of mine. Pot is legal in my state but it still made me paranoid about cops coming after me and I know it's not good with mental illness so i try to avoid it these days (years).

No, not drug induced.

[tiger8]

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

Was the specific trigger for your loss of touch with reality drug induced? I know in college I went temporarily completely psychotic 4 times from marijuana use, like realllly psychotic. And every now and then I feel like trying marijuana again to get that same effect because it is so interesting but also horrifying. I think I forget how horrifying it is and just remember the escape from reality aspect which can be appealing at times. But ultimately it's not worth it. I could easily end up in a hospital and that is a huge fear of mine. Pot is legal in my state but it still made me paranoid about cops coming after me and I know it's not good with mental illness so i try to avoid it these days (years).

I just read your sig now, what is schizoaffective bipolar like???