Roll Call 70

I was reading thru my old threads I created and I'm super embarrassed... I don't even recognize myself in those. I was really not well...just off the rails and not in reality at all. Looking back on those has helped me appreciate where I am now and the progress and growth I've made. It's weird to think back to those times... I do feel embarrassed about all of it

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Angelique,

I hope and pray that you never have to enter a nursing home, either. The one that I was in for close to eight years wasn't a bad place. There were worse (or so I was told by other clients and staff who had worked at other facilities), but I have a difficult time imagining anything worse.

Going back to a nursing home psych ward is worse that anything that I can imagine. I don't have any experience with having "nursing home hallucinations": hallucinations where I find that I am back in a nursing home. But when the idea of going back into any institution was first presented to me as "only a short term period of evaluation" I had a certainty that if I went in (nursing home, psych ward/unit, etc.) I would never come out.

I'm going to have to check my gun at the door. I haven't slept in about 28 hours and I'm having some hyperactive feelings (if that makes sense?).

My brain is so engaged that I just can't stop doing whatever it is that I'm doing at any one time. These are the kinds of days that make me physically ill as well as giving me an opportunity to dwell within myself. Not pretty.

Until April 2015, the program(s) that I'm involved with were staffed by the Department of Human Resources. Now they are staffed by folks who have experience as Medicaid Waiver case manager advocates. If you have a Medicaid case manager (someone who, perhaps, visits you monthly or someone you visit?) then you could start with them and after a month or more of being jerked around you MAY be able to get a contact name.

If you don't have a good Medicaid contact, I would begin calling around until you make a big enough nuisance of yourself that someone wants to get rid of you enough to actully do something on your behalf.

My case manager is great - she's an RN but specialized in psychiatric nursing before going to work for the state. She's funny, smart, checks up on me randomly, and I feel comfortable talking to her about anything. Even when I confessed to her that I lie to my doc on occasion, she had me promise her that I would never lie to her. And, except for one instance, I haven't.

I should turn that into a poll – "How often do you lie to your therapist?" I don't tell direct lies but rather lie by omission. I have this "thing" about direct lies – I don't lie to others, and I don't expect others to lie to me. And if/when I find that someone has lied to me (in the past – not so much these days) that causes my calm and quiet anger to erupt.

How did your appointment go yesterday? I haven't looked around much this morning to see where you may have written of it, but I am interested and concerned. And for reasons unbeknownst to me, my lack of sleep has blessed me with a dull, flatlining grace that I am thankful for.

I also had a message from my First True Love this morning. It is two years since we last conversed. She writes of herself using disparaging words, but if you ever met her, I think that the words lovely, bright, charming and terribly witty would spring to mind.

Getting way off topic... what type of communications do you have with the world outside of your door? A cell phone, I'm guessing – is that what you use to message this board? A computer? A tablet? Anything else?

If you have access to the web, you should start Googling for programs in your state that might provide some of the services that I've mentioned. Or you could start at the city or county level and make a couple of calls.

I would still be lingering in a nursing home if I hadn't put some effort into finding a way out. Now I linger in the privacy of my private home. During the time that I was looking for a way out, I was shot down, belittled and discouraged many times. The first three years out were beautiful. The last year? Not so good. But I won't go back. If I were in your position, I would make staying out of a psych ward/hospital/nursing home a priority.

And I wish you the very best of luck,

Hopefully you won't need therapy by then

Well I called work and talked to josh and said hey umm don't think I can make it there and he said yeah I figured. He told me to be safe and I said thanks you too and that was that!!

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Good morning. I hope everyone in the storms path stay safe and warm. I'm not sure what we are getting here yet. Hopefully nothing. We had enough snow last year.
I'm waiting to leave for my appointment with t. The urge to cancel is strong but I don't feel like paying for the missed appt.
I'm struggling today. I'm not exactly sure why but I keep having flashbacks of the bad things that happened. On top of that I'm worried about my kids. I hate this. All of it. I take my meds religiously this shouldn't be happening.

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Lol yep yours looks about the same as mine!

I wish I liked working out and eating vegetables, so I could lose weight...

My arms are just so big and fluffy.

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Morning everyone

I haven't drink soda in months so I bought a bottle today and now I remember why I don't really like drinking soda, it's because I always got stomachace after that

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