[soleil2warhola]

hi, this is my first post but im just going to jump right into it. i dont and have never felt "right" in the head. i dont like using this terminology because i feel like you think of something different that what i am, so im going to explain to you, generally what i go through. i started seeing phantom shapes a few years ago. small things like balls of light, shadows, flashes of color, non-existent insects on the walls, crawling on me, and flying around, and sometimes i see things out of the corner of my eye move and i turn, and again... nothing. thats just the start of the problems. ok so i think the easiest way to do this without turning this post into a novella is to list my symptoms: (sorry if this is lengthy already, i have a tendency to overwrite)

-hallucinations (previously described)
-severe mood changes (sometimes im in the 'i love EVERYTHING and am the happiest most pleasant person to be around' mood. then "i want to destroy everything" mood, and sometimes i get into this mood were i really dont care about anything. not in a negative way, but in a way where all my feelings have seemed to disappear and i dont feel anything, physically and emotionally)
-sometimes i get stuck in doing these "tasks" as i call them, that i have to do in order to survive. ie: for awhile, i had to physically operate a mental dream machine at night, to fall asleep, and to stay asleep. this is where i would see this elaborate machine in my head, and i would have to move my body in accordance to its operating manual. i cant even explain it right. blah. sometimes, i will walk by a room and see that something is off centered or misplaced, and i will try to ignore it, so i go into another room, and i will have to get up, and go back to that first room and rearrange everything because that one thing was off
-i go through spells of insomnia
-and spells of extreme lethargy
-i have a way overactive imagination that is wonderful sometimes, and very scary at others. i often get the imaginary worlds mixed up with reality and i cant remember if something really happened or i imagined it and i dont know if im sleeping and dreaming or if im awake.
- i cant EVER verbalize what im thinking because i cant find the words to describe whats in my head (which im having extreme difficulty with right now)
-i think i have super heightened senses. i dont know if this is actual or not, but i find that i can smell things no one else can smell, i can hear things really far away, etc.
-and sometimes my senses dont work properly, (i figure they overwork themselves and go on holiday). but my vision gets like blurry and wobbly and i cant focus my eyes, and everything will sound like im under water, etc.
-and probably the most frustrating thing is i feel like everything i say and do are contradictions to each other. that should be said. i feel happy and sad at the same time, etc. (not on purpose but thats just how it happens). like now, i realize that i say i go through extreme mood changes, but then i remember that, when im in that "destroy everything" mood, im also feeling something that is kind of like extreme happiness so that makes me even more angry. (gah i cant explain anything right!)
-and the last that i can think of right now is, im constantly making up and changing my alias. changing outward personality, appearance, speech, name, backstory, etc., i dont know why i do this and i wish i can find one that im happy with.

my contradictive mixed up life confuses me and leads me to not know who i really am. am i even human? i dont know. i dont know anything really. im just always confused about everything!

im sorry if you read this and were frustrated because thats how im feeling, but if you DID make it through it, i would just like to know what you think, if you feel the same things, information, etc., anything