[Psychotic_Phil]

I just want this all to end. I don't want to be schizophrenic/schizoaffective. I want to be normal. Why can't I just be normal? Why the hell is this happening to me? How did I turn out to have a psychotic disorder?! Why me? Why now? I had so much to live for. I was going to be somebody. Now? I'm nobody and always will be. Please God, make this end. I can't take it anymore. I'm about to crack!

[okiedokie]

Phil,
Take a deep breath! Don't be so concerned with labels. You are still you. You will still live the life you choose. You still have a lot to live for!

You're bright, articulate, young, gifted, got parents that care about you, have good medical care available to you....I could go on and on!
Hang in there buddy!
Okie
(Your fellow Seatte-ite!)

[spiritual_emergency]

One of the interesting things about psychosis is it more or less forces you to think about the experience of reality. I define my own experience as that of the fragmentation of one's sense of self-identity. Our self identity is comprised of what we believe to be true about ourselves, the world around us, and our place in it. It's what some people refer to as our ego.

If someone praises us, it's our ego that feels that little glow of pleasure. If someone criticizes us, it's our ego that wants to shrink back or lash out in defense. Naturally, this is true whether someone else says/does such things or if we do/say them to ourselves.

At the point that your ego collapses however, and you're sifting through the wreckage you start to become aware that first of all... the ego is a very fragile thing; secondly, it's made up of layers and layers of self-belief which may or may not be true, and thirdly, if it's gone... who's doing the sifting?

If none of that makes any sense to you, maybe it's enough just to know that what you sound like is someone who's stuck. This is what you believe in this moment and as long as you believe that, you're stuck in hopelessness. There are ways out of stuckness. One of them is distraction -- go do something else for a while. If that something else will bring you a sense of accomplishment or success, all the better.

Another way of moving past stuckness is to give something time. One day/week/month/year you're sad, the next/day/week/month, you feel happy. Give something time and it's going to change all on it's own without you having to lift a finger.

Yet another way of moving past stuckness is to start peeling back the layers of those beliefs. This is hard work. You start with a statement such as: I was going to be somebody! and you start asking yourself, what does that mean? What does it mean to be somebody? Did you mean that you were going to be rich and famous someday? If so, why does rich and famous equate in your books as somebody? Maybe you meant that you were going to be somebody who achieved a degree of success. What does success mean? Why do you believe it to be true? When did you decide that's what success meant?

Peeling back beliefs is a lot like sifting through crumbled architecture -- it takes you down to the level of the ground that was there before the building of belief was built. Some people are capable of doing this on their own, some benefit from a therapeutic arrangement in which to do it. Most of us avoid it because in additional to being hard, it's painful. That's why distraction and time can also be handy tools.

[Psychotic_Phil]

I feel better now having talked with my doc. He acknowledges that schizoid illnesses are tough to deal with, given that everyday can yield a new nightmarish delusion or hallucination. But he's supportive of me and really helped me to feel better about myself. We are also on the same page on diagnosis, which is nice as well.

[findebsoon]

Hey Phil, I'm glad you are feeling at ease. Talking
to your P-doc was the best thing for you to do. Sometimes
a reality check can put everything in perspective. Take
care of the little things and most times everything falls
into place quite nicely. You seem like a nice person.
Take care.

DB

add; Spiritual Emergency, Whatever you posted on this
thread made a great deal of sense. I really needed to hear
that and thank-you. DB