Roll Call 86

Must be something in the air today... my mood is pretty black today which really sucks because yesterday was actually a pretty good day. <sigh>

Morning.

Having coffee. Like every morning.

Hope everyone is having a somewhat good day.

I feel pretty optimistic today. Im in the beginning stages of writing my book. I was looking up how much money it could possibly make me. At the least, worst scenario i could make 100 dollars a year. At best (IMO) i could make a few thousand a month. Even a few thousand is a lot to me since the best books are making 6 ffigures a month. I plan to market it on my social media channels. Hopefully it comes out like i want it to. I think ill have it written before summer if i really dedicate myself to it. I dont think my book will be great but it's dedicated to a small niche of people. Those whove been in psych hospitals.

I feel like hell today. I'm cold, my anxiety is up, and I'm hearing voices for the first time in a long time . I hope everyone else has a good day.

Sorry to hear that Valley. Be kind to yourself and take some time for self care. Thinking of you.

I don't feel real. The world isn't real. Nothing is real. Everything is evil who is this person I live with do I even know him. They are out there waiting to hurt me. If they get inside I'm dead. They're watching and waiting. This world is controlled. I just want to sleep. I didn't sleep well last night. The evil is out there. I wish I was dead

Sorry you feel like hell so do I I hope you feel better soon

I keep on adding more to my book. Now I want to account for two wars in my book, just small summaries with quotations but still, it keeps on building.

I'm happy to see your picking up the pen. What I do when I have writers block is put on some soundscapes and start writing when my pen random ideas and memories that are related to what I want to write about, making idea trees, and indent notes and outlines.

TO actually write I need to be outside of my house at a café or a bar though, away from the ubiquitous screen. Writing really has given me purpose. I hope you find that same purpose.

As for the money, I am really curious about that too. I plan on getting a book agent after I've edited it myself two times and then had a couple other people give me feed back and then re edit after their feed back. Then the agent will edit it also and you'll have to write a large synopsis, a short synopsis and a querry letter, and that will be sent out to a lot of publishers by your agent. Your agent will tell you your best deals and you take whatever one you want. Let's just pray we get ONE offer lol.

My book is perfect for greek history, ancient philosophy, greek philosophy, classic studies, and philosophy 101, so that's my target. My target is the classroom. If my book is assigned then thats atleast 30 books a classroom a semester. If that works out then I will have time to work on part two, the final book. Which dives into ideas from the 17th century to the late 20th century. It's very selective though.

Thanks DT.

Im thinking of self publishing my book. For many reasons. One, i keep creative control of my book. Two, i dont plan to write much for this first one. Three, even though theres slightly more opportunities for a traditionally published book, i get more royalty per percentage and stuff for self publishing. Plus some others. Especially since i dont have many pages to write, im just thinking of putting it straight to amazon. And marketing it on my social media.

So I realized poverty of speech is a backflash of not telling the truth that's why people stay quiet when they lie or take advantage of the literal nonsense that is made up in their mind which is a mirror of what the person is sensing. I believe in that psychic ability but aren't statistics proven to be not facts.. We fight over a real god that doesn't exist and demons torture us within our dreams figuring out why when those who know the truth wont tell about it because if they do, they won't know again. But I can't because of the anxiety as a bad reaction that doesn't happen and I look down into the eyes of the good so a forgotten dream crossing the line of death like after deja vu that people have which is erased in half of our reality. As I wanted to watch a fire burn forever, I realized that the cross barrier is the only thing that matters like how we all know that we are going to die but accept it to the unknown. Live or die. Love or hate. People blaming society with love to each other and others blaming society and hating one another based on our environment interfering with our thoughts. I can't stop but be paranoid at creeks in the wood of my house until it turns into a pronoiac person where every one is spying on me trying to help me because that's an invision of symbolized heaven that I will get into based on belief of something. The radio transmissions of WW2 that I heard must have been hallucinations that were in fact all in my head because isn't that the same thing as the opposite or how people know the truth once they get abducted by aliens and I quote on quote not "normal" which a lot of people quote because normal is everyone and everyone is crazy and that is some sort of proof, the line in the middle.

If I were to write a book I don't think it would make any sense.

That's a lot to deal with all at once. I hope you'll feel much better soon.

I called my mom, and for the first time in forever she decided when to hang up. It feels kind of crappy, actually. I don't know what to do about that. Nothing, of course, it isn't up to me. I just wonder why she doesn't ever call me? Lifelong issue.

She was optimistic about my luck getting rid of the damned mice. She said maybe there's something new out now that isn't too horrible to use. I doubt that though.

It's a sad day here.

I downloaded a sample of "Where is your mind?" By Dan Siegel. I might buy it.

I only added about 500 more words to my book. I feel not so optimistic anymore. I thought id add at least 1000 and call it a day. But no.

Sorry about your writing newtus, seems like a lot of people have taken up writing on here recently. I've even restarted my sporadic journals.

It's been busy lately, still haven't found a place to live. The estate reps are coming tomorrow to inspect the property. Hope it goes well, I'm not really sure what to expect. I'm planning on talking to them about me possibly staying here and renting from the estate but idk how that will go. My appt with the mental health clinic got pushed back again as the va still has to send out the referral. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Damn i keep throwing up for some reason

I think its these microwaveable hamburgers. Damn.

I think im ok now. Hows everyone tonight?

Hope you are feeling better.
I'm still having a rough time. I can't wait to just go to bed. This day needs to end.

Me too. Im feeling like crap, physically.

This day does need to end.

Everything should end.

My mind hurts physically and it's not a headache.

I feel like everyone in the world is possessed and I'm inside their bodies. Like a dream and my dreams haunt me because it's the exact same thing. Nothing is real.

I need to get away and go somewhere that doesn't remind me of psychosis.

Well I phoned my mom because I said I would she asked me why I have been sleeping my days away I told her because I am depressed and grieving. Then she asked me why I missed dad I started to say why so she cut me off with "my cousin Debbie story.." which I said how does that relate to my dad or how I am feeling? Basically she said that we have to pay our debts first before we even think about having things in our lives that mean stuff like tablets or extra cash to buy things with.

No one wonder I hate talking to her she's concending and rude!

But I feel like I am wasting away I told my pdoc last week so she upped my abilify what's wrong with her? I told her it's the truth I told her it's the abilify causing it but she said is because you have a lack of self esteem well when your mothers voice plays in your head telling you your fat and then when she says it in real life it's hard not to believe it when you been hearing it all your life! It's incredibly damaging to the psyche, and extremely hurtful! All I wanna do is hide all week and not do anything but sadly that's not going to happen?!?! I'm sick of hearing voices and being told that their not real or to tell them "to shut up go away for their not real" all because my pdoc told me to say that to them! you know it just makes them background noise but I hear the scheming all day long and I don't think I can contain them anymore I'm to lost and sad to be honest and sick of everyone trying to say to me to cheer up because it could be worse, well I have been worse that was 2-3 years when all I did was overdose from 2011-2014. Worse years of my life all because of the voices and wrong dx.

Yet I am really sad, sore, in pain(scoliosis & nerve pain/right ankle),depressed, and probably anemic because today was the first time I ate an meal that wasn't cookies and water.

@greentires4me im sorry you had such a crappy day.