Roll Call 96

You're making me hungry :P I suddenly want a taco pizza from East of Chicago's.

This is the text i sent him.

"Hi. Dad said i could have your number. Otherwise i wouldve just gotten it from _____ or someone. Anyway, i saw you were really broken up tonight and i hope you can start to be ok soon. I am your sister. You are my only biological brother. And i love you very much. I know we have had our disagreements and arguments in the past. I've wanted to tell you this for about a year now or more, but i never knew how to contact you and it didnt dawn on me til tonight that i couldve gotten your phone number from dad, but i would like to mend our relationship. G______s wake taught me a lot about relationships and friendships. It only strengthens my knowing that i love you very much."

That's a very thoughtful text. I hope you hear back.

Anytime I have anxiety I can't sleep......this was particularly bad.......

Hopefully you'll get some tonight now that your talk is over.

Me too. Im not one to keep grudges. I had to learn not to. I kept a long grudge against my mom. I had to let that go. Still completely havent but mostly. I love her now for who she is because she is my only mom. Yea sometimes i hate her but like i said awhile back ive learned to keep my distance from her so we can both live in peace.

But my brother keeps grudges. Plus this is a hard time for everyone right now. So im trying to factor that in too.

That's too bad. He's really missing out.

What i dont understand is how he can be so against me yet hug me and smile in my face, tell my dad about what i post online. Idk. Stuff like that.

How does he know what you post online?

I have him added on facebook and instagram. Instagram not by choice. All my family found me on there.

Ugh. My stomach has been bothering me since late last night. I hope this passes soon...

I overheard my dad calling him and saying "text her back. She doesnt know im calling you"

Should i tell my dad i overheard him?

I would block him and anyone else from seeing my posts on Facebook I don't know how Instagram works because I don't use it.

I hope you feel better soon.

Im not sure i understand. Block him and anyone else from seeing my posts on fb? Doesnt that defeat the purpose of fb? Not sure what you mean. I mean I understand blocking him. But why all the rest of 160 something friends?

Ugh. I don't know. On one hand he's trying to help but on the other it's like wtf.

Anyone else you don't want to see your posts. I would regularly block my family from seeing my posts. It didn't defeat the purpose it would just keep those you don't trust from seeing what your saying. I don't mean to block everyone.

No. Honestly i was hoping he'd call him and talk to him about it. I just didnt want to say anything. I was hoping he'd tell him insightful words for me. My dad means well and i believe he did a good thing. But...just not sure if i should tell him i overheard him. Cuz i was basically spying.

Oh. Ill have to figure out how to do that.

Honestly ive just taken up the practice of not posting anything too personal on there.

Oh well if you were spying then I think you should tell him. I thought you meant you accidentally overheard him and were upset.

No. I didnt mean to spy. I didnt know he was calling until he said "text her back". Then i stuck around. So yea.

Update on my mental health side of things:

So much stuff has happened to me in the past two weeks. It should slow down by monday or Tuesday. Ive been hearing a lot of voices. Probably due to stress im sure. Ive also had a lot of anxiety despite being back on the gabapentin this past week. The voices are horrible tho. Not in what they say but the fact that they are there. I hear loud voices of people talking. I keep thinking its ghosts or my stepbrother or something. I really think this. So idk if im delusional or not. Ive been cutting out newspaper articles again for the first time since i was majorly psychotic becUse i think the government is talking about me. I havent had too much depression but a bit. It helps my dad is here. Im not lonely but i am kinda sad.

Could all be from stress tho. Been getting bad migraines these past 2 days and have barely been eating these past 2 weeks.

UGH, the voices won't stop talking and/or shouting. My wife confirmed she isn't hearing anything as well. I'm taking my olanzapine as prescribed as well, so I am being medication compliant. It's driving me crazy, I wish they would stop...

I can't take these ****ing pills.

Is stress or something you know causing it?