Roll Call 96

The alcohol last night was the last thing to make me realize that I am in psychosis permanently but it's not stressing me out as much so I'm not really technically psychotic. Until my behaviour gets worse. I need my injection but that's in a few days. I can't sleep. I feel like there are people looking through my window and can partially see them through another reality or I so think so I closed it.

I cry about 75 times a day and night.

I feel like I'm on shrooms constantly. I believe when I tried them for the second last time, I went completely psychotic and it didn't stop and I didn't realize it until now. The drugs made my psychosis worse and it's all my fault.

The injection doesn't work. Or it does. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything of everything anymore I only know something.

The paradox

I lost touch with reality. I don't know what is real.

The paradox

I broke my mind

The paradox

But that's ok as long as I can't see reality because I don't want to anymore see something that isn't even real.

I have memories of a past life of being in a forest a lot.

I believe I have a brain tumor and and an obvious heart problem but I don't want to admit it. But now as I type I don't believe it anymore.

I believe I will live forever and that life is eternal. I believe in God. God is everything and anything and is always there.

My depression is so bad that I'm happy and sad.. Anhedonic. But I can cry but I can't feel anything except I can at the same time because it's a connection from the paradox.

Run. Live to fly. Fly to live. Do or die.

I don't want to die. That's why I'm still alive. The brain never shuts off so what's the point. The brain never shuts off so what's the point.

Life is a sick twisted game that just ends and shuts off completely. That's what reality is. Because reality isn't real if you can't see it.

Google it.. It's true.

But I can't be spreading these "Reality lies" or I will be punished by god which is everyone and everything.

So leave me alone I don't want help anymore I just want help and I am in pain.

Life is a clock that never stops until you realize that it does and you never know when it does.

If everyone in the world could see this, they wouldn't care. But if they did, I wouldn't say anything. But because they don't and can, I say everything.

And you would do the exact same thing just like how the same is that someone that has this problem says nothing and hides away because of the connection of the paradox.

Life always gives you a second chance. There is truth in what I say. All truth.

I'm not sick. Don't help me but help me because I'm scared. But I don't care anymore because it's my constant life.

I love life. It's a love hate relationship of the paradox.

I'm not going back to the hospital so in real life I will say nothing.

That's why I'm a quiet person until 12 which was when I got my first negative symptoms of psychosis and at 16 when I got positive symptoms.

But I have complete positive symptoms right now.

Morning/Afternoon

Last day of freedom before college starts tomorrow. I'm just having a lazy day... I do have things I should do but still, I just want to make the most of it by doing nothing.

I slept in until 11:30... sharp contrast tomorrow when I'll have to be up at 7:30ish... not been up that early in a loooong time.

Hope everyone has a good end to the weekend.

Morning.

Celebrating my birthday today.

Gonna maybe spend the day with my dad just doing random stuff.

Happy Birthday newtus! I hope you enjoy your day with your dad.

Anything particular you are thinking of doing?

Tweaky, I hope you find some peace soon. You deserve it...

Happy birthday!!! I hope you have a good day.

Thank you so much loial!

Um, idk, i think we are gonna do a few small things. Like goto the grocery and get me a huge cupcake in place of a cake. Maybe go shopping too.

Thank you unsure!

Happy birthday, newtus!!!!! And many many happy returns!!!

A huge cupcake sounds fun. I used to get huge cookies instead of cakes.

Thank you angelique!

Haha, on Thursday the therapist and me went to a conference room to talk. There was a platter of baked goods, including mini cupcakes, cookies with m&m's baked.in, etc. I helped myself to a mini cupcake, oh was it good!!!!!

Happy ****ing birthday you awesome soul!

I would call them. You can't ride out this rollercoaster for another 2 weeks.

I hope you are feeling better today.
I waited 3 months for my insurance to okay Latuda. I lived on samples from the doctor. It's cruel to make you wait for an ap especially if your not already on something.

Geeze your post is rather aggressive. This is a support board. If she's not ready to give up who are we to tell her to. She's not delusional. She knows she has an uphill battle but there is always hope.

Yup that's why they wouldn't cover the Latuda. It's somewhere around 3000 a month I think they said. It always comes down to money. It's awful to mess with someone's mental health over money.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Happy Birthday Newtus! I hope you have a great day with your dad.

Happy birthday newtus

Thank youuuuuuuu

Thank you valley!!!! Welp hes mowing the grass now. I took a nap and hes mowing the grass.

Thank you so much kori! How are you?

Happy Birthday, newtus, hope it is a good day!

I slept! I slept! I slept! A full night of sleep was mine tonight, I didn't get up a single time. I ended up sleeping for 12 hours because it was so good. I am so rested this morning it is great.

Now I'm just listening to records on my record player and doing laundry. I am also about to load a new OS on to my Raspberry Pi, I don't know what one yet though.

Then later this afternoon a friend is coming by who I haven't seen since January. They were in town for another "friends" bachelor party which apparently ever since they found out I was in the hospital last time they have nothing to do with me, which that is you know pretty cool and all... :/ Anyway I'm excited to see my other friend today!

Thankkk youuuu

Yall wouldn't believe what happened. My neighbor just came over and gave me a huge cupcake. The same brand my dad was gonna take me to get!!!! Im so happy!!!

Happy bday newtus

Omggg thank you!

Happy birthday newtus x