Roll Call 101

My feet and face feel soft. Happy.

Im worried a bit

Lately ive been thinking of drinking more and more. I havent. Im just afraid i will.

I have 5 months of sobriety coming up in a week or so.

Im just stressed and lonely and sad. All the reason i drank to begin with.

Why stressed? Not lonely you have the new guy....and you just said you were happy not sad.....what gives?

Im not sure. Maybe im projecting how i feel right now to how ive been feeling. Or perhaps projecting how i feel right now into the future. I dont think ill be able to see new guy often. 2x a week. Which makes me feel sad. He works full time. And just told me he couldnt afford to see often. He told me awhile back, when we talked about it, he only makes a bit more than i do a month. Hes been desperately trying to get a raise at his minimum wage job for a long time.

So im nervous. It means ill be alone again like i dont even have him to begin with. Im nervous cuz im starting to get extremely attached to him. He’s attached to me too tho. Hes been telling me that way before i even mentioned it tonight.

The stress is obvious. Stuff at the clinic, school, relationship stuff. Everything from august is kinda dying down...the death of my stepbrother and my ex. But my friends also havent been contacting me much. Im talking about people I normally talk to on a daily basis. One i have been talked to in 2 weeks. Another in a week. Had to cut someone out of my life last week.

Which leaves me to just him. If i get attached to him itll be bad for both of us. I was really afraid of this. I told him this too.

Maybe i should goto the clinic more. Ugh. But i want to be in school and my pss doesnt want me in school. Ugh idk.

Im rambling

I never got time to focus on myself in between my ex and new guy

I wont be sleeping for a few weeks.

I dont have any gabapentin

I was up since 4am this morning

My cat loves my protein shakes so much she knows when I'm having them ust by the site of the protein shake cup I use. I'm dead serious. I have to fight her over my protein shake EVERY TIME. If I leave it alone for just a moment... next thing I hear is lap-lap-lap as she lapping it up!

This guy tho

He even set an alarm on his phone to remind me of my meds.

Hes too good to me

Man i took my effing meds

Hate this sh it

Im startng to get anxious

Ugh i have 0 gabapentin

Newtus, sometimes a Benadryl will help with anxiety.

Thanks but i dont have any. But ill remember that next time tho.

I think im about to have an episode

I feel it in my head

And the thoughts of new guy trying to hurt me are creeping in. Im trying to tell myself its all a delusion but its not going away.

Why didn't you go on standby for that? I believe you can have withdrawal issues......

Because lately ive been waking up in the middle of the night and then going back to bed and sleeping til 10. And they told me to come before 8. And if i dont then theres no point in going.

Thats why i said id have to skip my meds the night before to wake up.

Ugh idk

See when these people mess up my meds everything gets thrown off. I hate this. So much

Werent you driving out to see your ex? Maybe if you either drove to see him or chipped in for gas he could see you more? Besides if thing work out Long term you guys could always live together....

I don't know why but sometime soon friendships fall off when a new relationship starts usually due to lack of time....

Not sure why your pss doesn't want you in school but I think you need to do what will make you happy.

I'm so sorry I could not deal with that.....I see why you're stressed.....

I was driving to pick up my ex to bring him here

My pss doesnt want me in school cuz she thinks itll be too much stress or something idk

I got some fancy 'detoxifying' foot pads to put on my feet when I go to sleep. I'm so excited.

I'm not really into pampering myself with this kind of crap but I gotta do little things for myself.

I neglect myself sometimes in some ways. Taking care of myself is more than eating, showering, sleeping, taking meds, and exercising. It's doing little things. Like putting on a stupid scrub and relaxing.

Im trying so hard to keep these thoughts back

I wonder if not having the gabapentin might put me in psychosis too

It shouldn't but it does increase anxiety and sleeplessness.......still lack of sleep can cause psychosis.......so maybe?

I forgot about the indirect effects.

Im just gonna let all the thoughts come out:

New guy is trying to kill me. I seen the look in his eyes the other day. He wants to rape me and has lied to me this whole time. He makes fun of me behind my back and always laugh about me to his friends.

I sometimes hate night time the most. It's the time when my thoughts, outside noise, and voices all mesh to where I can't tell what is real and what is fake. At least nothing is being menacing against me and tormenting me right now

I think god is trying to tell me something. I think hes trying to allow me to find myself and focus on myself but im not letting him. I think hes trying to tell me something

Yes when I was symptomatic I needed to sleep with the lights on.....