[Ozisl]

I've been having increasing levels of ideation of harming others. It is not out of my control (not worse than any time before), but my mind goes there frequently. Just pictures of doing things because people are reading me.

But I don't know who to talk to about this now. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'd be facing a trip to the hospital if I talked to any of my doctors. I absolutely literally can not afford the co-pay there, or I'd happily spend a while recovering in hospital. I just need to... to talk.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Have you talked to a therapist? There is a difference between having intent and just having the ideas, they can help you deal with the ideas....

[Shazerac]

I think it's very important to talk to your therapist about this. It does not mean an automatic trip to the hospital. Trying to hide these feelings is probably the worst choice.

I can understand the desire to want to talk about certain things. As others have said, thoughts without intent should not force hospitalisation...but others don't always understand things the same way we do. For example, if my pdoc knew certain things, he probably wouldn't have advocated for my release from hospital last month, even though being there was also harmful to me. So I figure "what they don't know, can't hurt me" and keep my mouth shut to keep my freedom.

But there's still this desire to talk about things. I haven't yet come up with a safe/effective solution, but you could try a therapist, or posting about it here, or a crisis line, and emphasise repeatedly that they're just thoughts and you remain in control of them. I mean, They put thoughts in my head all of the time, usually to shock or upset me, but I know that I won't act on them so I keep them quiet as I don't feel the need to discuss it. But you need to talk about them, which is understandable and you should be able to if you want to. I'm not sure if my suggestions will be sufficient for what you need to express, but it might be worth a try, idk?

I hope you can find a way to express yourself and get support without being forced into a hospitalisation you can't afford

*Willow*

[Ozisl]

I am feeling increasingly helpless. Sometimes I just want horrible things to happen, or feel like I"m supposed to. The people I should be able to talk to... I feel like I can't, because they will restrain me somehow (psych hold or physically)... I'm becoming even more anxious than usual going out.

[nikon]

Ozisl - I can relate. i don't have schizophrenia, but i've got a lot of symptoms that i'm scared to talk about and extremely violent thoughts is one of them. i know logically that it would be best to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about them, and that's the advice i'd give to anyone going through the same thing. it's difficult to follow that advice though because of the fear of consequences. I'm really sorry that money is the restricting factor in your process here, because everyone deserves access to healthcare.

[LOVENOTSEX]

We all experience a wide rang of thoughts and feelings. Through sharing we reach out and by listening to those who can help navigate through that which we find heavy upon our condition. A new perspective and insight is gained. Resourse those that are trained in such matters. You are not alone nor are you the only one to experience this state of uncertainty. Gain a collective strength and solution by trusting in a therapist to guide you. We all need help from time to time.

[sheila51]

Originally Posted by Ozisl

I've been having increasing levels of ideation of harming others. It is not out of my control (not worse than any time before), but my mind goes there frequently. Just pictures of doing things because people are reading me.

But I don't know who to talk to about this now. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'd be facing a trip to the hospital if I talked to any of my doctors. I absolutely literally can not afford the co-pay there, or I'd happily spend a while recovering in hospital. I just need to... to talk.

You really should check youself into hospital

[Victoria'smom]

Writing it down helps me. I don't show it to anyone but it helps me to think through the thought.

[Ozisl]

I journal endlessly inpatient, have a hard time outpatient. I sometimes log my thoughts, though.

Another one of my problems, and I feel so crushed and horrible about it but it is running in my head... God it makes me feel evil... but sometimes when a horrible event happens, I want it to be as bad as possible, to set a new record for being horrible, for the worst case scenario to take place. I don't think it is sociopathy, because I still feel strong empathy and the sense of good and bad. I don't want to CAUSE things to be bad, but it just feels like it would be more... interesting. Maybe life is just too dull and I need to punctuate it.

EDIT

It used to be much worse. Until a few years ago, I would have "white outs", where I would, well, white out when I was angry or afraid dealing with people. Brain tingled and shut down, vision flashed white and red, feelings of rage and anger... the only times I felt like I might hurt someone. I haven't had those in a long while, though. Always reported it to my doctors, but they never made a deal about it.