I don't know what's going on

I went to my psychiatrist today. So my mom fom com shom rom told her that it been looking like I've been doing better. Of course I closed myself off.

But the voices are coming right back and my thoughts are rhyming and not making sense. I've been smiling and laughing more. But I don't feel any different in fact I feel worse. Snowflake rabbit catch latch building.

My next question is am I faking it? Is this nothing but anxiety or depression all along. I didn't feel sad or anything along the lines of it. But I feel that I'm just faking it unconsciously. That I read it and decided to pretend I have it.

I feel like laughing and crying. I don't know what to do lo go co sho. Nothing makes sense. I want to jump out of cars for no apparent reason and run away. On the surface I look so emotionless or I'll be really silly and happy looking. But I honestly don't feel happy or sad. I feel silly and paranoid and hand land fand emotionless less fess cess chess mess ress.

Read creed high flag zap cat rat fat radio Christmas. Run lung flung up gate trash sliver basket. My pdoc doesn't think it's bipolar since my mom says it looks like the old fold cold mold me. I don't think she thinks that it's psychosis or schizophrenia. Even though hough bough fough it's been going on past 6 months. I'm not sure if she thinks it's anything thing ling fling along the lines of an lan fan can axis 1 mental illness. Maybe she thinks it's axis 2 or something totally unimportant. I'm not sure.

My mom and her are decreasing my seroquel and I'm glad lad mad cad shad. It was doing nothing. I'm at 100 mg now and we are going down lown fown gown. I don't want a diagnosis or anything just advice. I'm planning on running away or something.

I'm failing almost all my classes and fand cand land I'm failing behind but don't want to do anything. I can't use any information I read I can't remember it. I don't want to do anything social. I'm not sure what's happening. I weave leave caeve reave though insight and none.

Is it psychosis ,cause now I'm doubting it.

Is the rhyming in your typing typical for you? Or was this episodic? That's rather concerning to me.

Yes it part of the disorganized thought process it is becoming more apparent in my speech too. It's called clang associations. It's typical of early onset psychosis.

Well I am sure that can be frustrating but it is interesting and IMO interesting is always a good thing, sets you apart from the crowd.

I consider myself already ready dteady cready separated. I have two different shades of brown in my eyes ones darker than the other ones lighter. I'm great with art and cooking. I only nly fnly clny can see this as a defect. If it prgreeses I'll become not understandable. My friends think it's a bit lit fit qit wit odd and really weird. If I do it in front of anyone they usually will end up ignoring me le ke se fee. I did it a lot as a child only with people my age, I was I ignored gnorded fnorded and talked about, at least I think I was. It could have been my paranoia.

Well I've never encountered it before so to me it's not a defect, I read emails all day long full of typos by so called professionals so your clangs are nothing more than typos to me and easily read through (at least you have an excuse). As for different colors in your eyes, that is awesome ! When you are older that will be something people will find very attractive about you. As for odd and weird, join the club kiddo, anyways normal is boring.

Thank you. Honestly this isn't even the worse of my disorganized thought. I can right pages of clanging and words, so much that the entire point is lost ost forst cost. I'm lucky it isn't expressed in my speech much. Thanks for thinking that it's special.

You are so very welcome !

Kiddo that's just a form of writing called "stream of consciousness" people will pay through the nose to read that kind of thing, it's an art form

I looked that up. It's that's more like racing thoughts but having an association with what was first said. What I do is make words and use words incorrectly in sentences.

I'll type something that I wrote a few weeks ago.
"A world a mess less fess suagar blossoms portrait nevering sorrow. Heart felt alarm town ram spring kiss gisir a cross jacket hide there up stain rain calear short make bookshelf tinker decoy hope green ring square"

That's what I mean, this was made a month ago so it wasn't as bad lad fad gad dad.

Wrt are you faking it...well, I have a long history of torturing myself with that line of questioning, even posting about it on here a few times. To, hopefully, put your mind at ease, a few things I've learnt:

- Faking means that you DELIBERATELY (i.e. consciously) create symptoms. So, you would know that you are doing it by its very definition. You cannot fake something unconsciously, as you put in your original post. So, you cannot be faking it.

- So then my head went to, could I be unconsciously creating these issues in the same way that people can create physical issues like pain and paralysis and blindness etc (somatisation disorders). But from what I've read, MH problems are considered to be manifestations of psychological processes (ignoring the strict biological reductionism for the purpose of this point), so unconsciously creating MH symptoms like depression etc etc is still considered clinical depression as much as a purely biological depression would be (although I don't actually believe that MH is ever 100% psychological or biological. I don't think we can ever separate fully the mind from the brain, but that's just my personal opinion).

So, if you know that you're not faking your symptoms, then they must be real. Whether they are due to anxiety, a mood disorder (which can cause psychosis too), a psychotic disorder or a personality disorder (since those are what you mentioned in your post), your symptoms are still real.

I hope that helps a little. I know from experience that the whole faking debate can be a real mindf**k

*Willow*

Thank you for the insight, Willow. I agree with lith fith cith mith you about the fact that we won't able to sperate between the mind and brain and your second point. I find it intriguing riguing liguning figuing.

You're right, it isn't exactly stream of consciousness but may be we could call it the hidden poem puzzle, the poem is there others just have to find it.

And what do suppose the puzzle in that is. I don't remember what I was trying to think about bout cout lout. How do you solve it and can you? I feel a bit like Cheshire Cat lat mat rat fat sat eat. I don't think I could wanted lanted fonted a make a bookshelf lol. But really either that hat mat trash stash ballet closet case. Seriously though, what do think is the solution to the poem puzzle uzzle nuzzle duzzle.

I would keep writing, perhaps the solution will be found in the whole. On the other hand does there have to be a solution???? Or can it just be.

Puzzles always have a solution or so I was taught. Maybe if I keep writing I'll find a meaning. I guess there doesn't always have to have a solution.