[ARflowerstar]

I don't have a diagnosed psychotic disorder, or psychosis, but this fits into this category.
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I do have BPD, and in the past I have had short episodes lasting around a week (transient-stress related) where I would think I'm the only human and everyone else are AI's, or that aliens are trying to kill me, etc.

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However this is something that I have never told anyone about before. I have always been afraid professionals would think I am narcissistic because of this, but I never wanted this, nor am I okay with this.

Sorry this is long. But I don't know what to do.

I am 16 years old. This has been happening since I was about 12. Everywhere I go, there are cameras watching me. I mean everywhere . When I'm walking outside on the street, when I'm at school, in the bathroom, in my room... everywhere. There are tiny cameras in my room, and at school, etc. When I am outside, there is a drone flying around recording me. Sometimes I think that there have been special contacts that have been put into my eye that records my pupil movements so the camera records things just as I see things. If I look at a particular thing, the camera in the contacts will focus on that as well.

When I was younger, a few years ago, it wouldn't be as frequent. I just always felt that I was being watched. That I was being recorded. I used to think that there were cameras watching me through the vents. Plus I didn't really have anything to hide at that age.

Now, this causes me anxiety. This one guy, has so much information on me. I don't know who he is, I just know he exists. The past 2 years, I've been dealing with a lot of personal things with mental illness. During my worst times, I have done horrible things. Things I regret doing. And it's been recorded on video.

Not only that, but I am very self conscious, and just about any recording of me is enough to make me feel horrible and embarrassed, even if it is just me sitting in a chair.

This person, wants to expose me, humiliate me, embarrass me in front of people. He has all the data and videos on his laptop and phone. Possibly somewhere else. If he hasn't been able to plant cameras in certain areas to watch me, he just hacks into the security cameras of the building I'm in. One day he's going to confront me in front of people I know. He will show them everything and expose me.


I tend to daydream/ rehearse scenarios in my head a lot. I have gone over this scenario. He gets out his laptop and is ready to expose me in front of my family and relatives (only my parents and brother know about my mental health issues and about my life), or in front of my school and mental health team. His goal is to humiliate me.

(still a scenario in my head, not a hallucination) So he prepares to show everyone all these horrible things about me. A short while ago, before he can do anything, I would just smash his computer and phone on the floor, even if he threatened me with a gun.

But now, it's violent. I shoot him with a gun. Sometimes I stab him 4 times. It's the only way to make him stop. Then[/I] I smash his computer. Sometimes I shoot him in the leg, so the police can take him to jail. But I have to also destroy the data because then the police would take it as evidence and I would be exposed anyways. (end of scenarios)

I know one day he's going to confront me in front of people so he could expose me, that is why he is keeping all this data on me. The practiced scenarios are things I would do. I have to say, I don't want to kill anybody. But I don't want this guy doing this.

I'm thinking of starting to keep a knife with me because I don't know when this confrontation will happen, and I have to stop him before he exposes me. I have honestly thought about getting a gun, but I'm in Canada so it's quite difficult, and I would get arrested for illegal possession of a firearm. But idk, I might be able to get one off some guy on the street if I can find someone.

Sometimes I get "visions" which are quick flashback type images in my heads of a recording of me, seen from a corner of the room angle. Then I try to figure out where the camera is but I can never do it.


I can't go to the police, he's made it so there's nothing that would lead to his discovery, but he's made sure I know. Especially with the visions. (Visions aren't hallucinations, just flashback type images in my head) It hasn't bothered me as much before as my "scenarios" on how to handle him weren't violent, and I haven't done many things I'm ashamed of, and I wasn't as self conscious.

I'm not sure why it bothers me more now but I think it's because of the violent ending that will happen, and the fact that I literally go over this scenario in my head multiple times a day, everyday. And I want this data destroyed now.

He's torturing me like this. I want it to end now, but I can't find him. He will come to me when he's ready to unravel his plans, while in front of a big group of people I know. And when that happens, I will destroy everything before it's exposed. But if I don't kill him or at least seriously injure him so he can't run, he might get away and he will just do it again.

Part of me wants to meet him so I can say "I always KNEW you were real!" so I don't feel weird.

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I sometimes am walking outside, and then I realize "oh my god the drone" and then I get really anxious and start acting weird because of social anxiety of being watched and even when I write in my own personal journal I can't write things that are very incredibly personal because it's not actually private.

Look I know it sounds crazy. Do you think it's possible that especially due to the obsessive "go through scenarios in my head thing" i'm just living in a fantasy world? And that maybe a teeeeensy tiny part of me knows its not real?

Because let me tell you what I think. I have searched the internet about this and I'm not entirely sure what to think about what I had found. I read about fantasies or delusions and it confuses me a bit when I think of this. And honestly if I ask myself "is this real", the first thing I think is, I have to prepare for the confrontation, I know for sure that's going to happen

Whether or not I focus on the cameras or not, even if I forget about them for a bit, I know that the confrontation is going to happen and that either way this guy has recordings of me.

If I tell myself "it's not real" I can't believe it. Because I genuinely believe this guy has so much recordings of me. Look I just don't want to ever be found with a knife or anything, and if i somehow manage to find a gun, then I'm screwed because it would make me anxious to be in possession of such a thing.

However a knife for protection, is definite. But I don't want to accidentally get freaked out and hurt someone because I think he's the guy.

I can't tell my psychiatrist or psychologist because I'm afraid of them not believing me, or thinking that I like being "stalked", because of the almost obsessive scenarios in my head with him.

But honestly every scenario, he starts saying things I don't want him to say or people to know and I actually start explaining myself to everybody and apologizing and I feel horrible (and very mad at him) and then when he's about to show videos I destroy the data and kill him.

I'm afraid of this confrontation. I don't know what to do about this.

[Vaporeon]

First of all, please don't hurt yourself or anyone else because of this. I'm not a professional so I can only speak from my own experiences, but it sounds like you need to tell your therapist and psychiatrist about your fears. You don't sound psychotic but it seems like you have some paranoia and racing thoughts that could contribute to your social anxiety. Your psychiatrist may need to adjust your medications, but you also need to do your part by being honest with him/her. Their job is to help you feel better, not judge you or call you a narcissist. I don't think you're a narcissist, anyway, but you need more support than you're getting currently. I wish you the best.

[Loose Screw x 2]

You poor soul. I know what you're going through and I know that it hurts tremendously.
You are safe. We are here for you. Doctors have heard it all. They really have. You aren't going to shock them and you desperately need therapy for this.
Don't try to learn to understand it on your own. It's a difficult thing to try to learn to do and will lead to much misery and regret. Let your doctor know what's up and if you don't have a therapist it is highly recommended that you get one and the sooner the better.
You have endured these conditions far too long and need the relief that only a therapist and psychiatrist can provide.
I'm like you and have been since I was a toddler. It's going to be okay.
Don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Are you able to calm yourself and clear your mind? Try doing that and thinking soothing thoughts. Stay away from caffeine and sugar. If you want energy, eat organic peanut butter. If you can't find organic peanut butter, regular will be okay in small amounts. You are going to come out the victor in all of this.
You are a seasoned warrior who has come a long way. Congratulations. You have my respect and admiration. Now do the right thing and open up to your doctor and therapist. Take it slow at first and move at your own speed. No need to rush. Just open your mouth and let it out. It's safe to. I promise. I've been where you're at and I care very much.

[Sometimes psychotic]

This totally sounds like a delusion....be careful because they seem real.