Roll Call 114

How are you feeling today loial? Hope you’re okay

Hmm.. I wrote this out of frustration and now I'm going to bed to think about how much I want to give up..

"I give up. The decision is made. I don't feel like posting on here anymore because I don't want help now and at the same time I don't feel like I want anyone to help me because this is a more comfortable option than feeling like I'm living in absolute hell by trying to hold onto something where there's a high chance that it won't get better.

I can't keep fighting because what's the point? My coping mechanisms are frowned upon by my psychiatrist and he doesn't want to help me anymore it seems because what I did is done and now I'm just a nobody that isn't worth being helped.

I understand bits and pieces of why things are happening the way they are but I have no more energy to keep thinking about getting better. My psychologist was going to give up on me for using drugs to cope.

Now I'm not using drugs and I'm so tired. The main drugs I used were stimulants because they fixed negative symptoms without giving me psychosis. Psychiatrists just hang them above my head and I don't know what to believe anymore whether they are just playing with me or something. I don't even want the Concerta anymore. I don't care anymore.

I don't have the energy because my motivation is dead. I feel no pleasure in anything and if someone were to push me, I'd just get agitated and frustrated and start hating myself and get depressed because I can't change how tired I am. Exercise doesn't help. I eat healthy.

I'm not going to have fun or get into relationships and do the things I want to do when my life is constant ****.

I want to quit my job because I don't see what I'm doing it for. I'm just going to sleep and sleep and when I'm not sleeping I'm just going to stare at the ceiling.

I will give up for a long while and then when I go crazy out of boredom I'll pick up again and put the delusional ego that I love into mindset but I'll still be tired so whatever. Nothing will change.

I'll just keep taking the injection every 3 weeks and maybe my mind will heal because isn't 1 medication just perfect for me than any other? Psychiatrist clearly gave up. Or the injection will just make my brain matter deteriorate and I'll get worse.

I was going to apply for college but I have to do that on the phone my mom said and what person that has plans eventually for medical school doesn't even know who to talk to about getting into college? **** it."

I got the weirdness feelings this morning

I might be going back to 2x a week therapy with my T while we do EMDR for my CSA

Morning

Having coffee

Yesterday was awesomeeee

Morning/Afternoon,

I only just got up. It’s 1pm. I was awake unable to sleep until 04:30 or so. Feeling a bit better today but a bit jaded.

Time to get on with the day regardless. I’m sure things will improve.

And thanks again for the support everyone. It means a lot...

I get that feeling too. It’s in the background atm, like constantly there.
Did you find the emdr helpful? I’ve tried it but it didn’t do it for me. Meant to be good though

I haven't tried it yet but I will report back

Fried egg sammies, strawberry and blueberry w coconut flakes on top of Greek yogurt

Breakfast I made for mom and me

Morning. Already had my coffee. Woke up to a kitchen full of puke. My dog threw up 6 times. I can’t wait to get her to the vet tomorrow.
Slept well but woke up early. I wish I could wake up like that during the week.
Bummed out. I have Ipsy and they sent heavy cream hand cream by cake and it’s awesome. I put it on for 2 nights and my hands are better. I just searched to buy it and no one has it in stock. Not even cake.
Going grocery shopping alone today. My daughter is doing a project and needs information from my father in law so she’s going to be busy.
What’s everyone else up to today?

Doing nothing today

At least you had a good day yesterday!

Yea it was awesome! I just gotta get through today. Then my dad will be off tomorrow and the next day!

Few updates:

Went to get my meds yesterday. I couldnt get it because they got my dosage wrong. They had .5mg haldol. When I transferred the prescriptions to them they were asking me if i was sure it was 5mg because that seemed like too much. Which pissed me off. So i cant get my meds til monday.

I have a UTI i think so it hurts.

I went to activate the iPhone 6s yesterday for the bf with a different carrier. Apparently buying the phone outright doesnt make it automatically unlocked. Which pisses me off because im spending all this money on these phones and its still stuck to a carrier. I went to MY carrier to unlock it (ATT) they told me they dont do that in-store. Id have to do it online. So i did it in the car and i got an email saying itd take at least 2 business days for att to make a decision if they want to unlock it. I was ROYALLY pissed off. Not only could they not do it at the store, but it takes days.

I ended getting nothing done yesterday.

Just FYI you don’t have to ask about college on the phone you just need to apply somewhere, these days you can do it electronically just go to the website of the colleges you’re interested in....th y might need test scores and transcripts sent in but they’ll let you know. They want you to come pay money to them, it’s their business so they make it easy.

As far as giving up.....I’m taking time to focus on myself as well. It it’s for different reasons......I’m hoping to get better. I know not working I’m starting to get ideas again, fun things to do, cooking maybe start a blog etc. All that’s been dead inside for the last year which I think adds to the negative symptoms. The thing is it is a constant fight and I’ve been fighting for six almost seven years now. It doesn’t get easier, it will never be like before you got sick, it will always be a struggle, you have to prop yourself up into happiness with self care. Try doing several things that you like or used to like at once, it helps with long term mood regulation.

If you want an unlocked phone you have to buy it at a neutral vendor not a phone company.

Sorry about the uti, make sure you pee after sex and it will help stop you from getting them.

Oh and according to my period app i might be on my period on valentines day. The bf already took off for those days so idk what im gonna do

Thanks. I shouldve done that. Problem is im not always finishing with sex. Usually when i do pee comes naturally but im not.

I didnt know that about the phone. Ive learned something new. What would a neutral vendor be???

Good evening/afternoon everyone. How are things going today?

Hugs to Loial, Valley, and everyone that needs them.

I am doing okay today. Went to city center with my friend. Now just hanging out at home and helping my partner with some application letters she is working on. Gonna get ready to make a message to my voice pathologist for referrals. I am nervous but excited.

I mean i bought my current iphone from apples website. But my last 2 or 3 i got from best buy. Idk.

My bf wants to leave our dog with his parents while he’s at football. I’m really not sure about this. They’ve never had dogs. His mum is really not a dog person. I’m worried they’ll give him something he shouldn’t have or that he’ll have an accident or get ill. Really not happy about this

I have 10 dollars in my bank. I need to buy meds, food, coils for my vape. I hate that i dont get enough from ssdi to live plus have fun.

Not sure what im gonna do. I only have less than a week til my check comes in, but the last one or two weeks of the month i struggle to pinch every penny.

You know like Best Buy or something.....but I believe that unless you’re swapping SIM cards yourself there is no point. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I think most companies in the US will lock your phone to them if they install the card. Probably your bfs phone will be locked to his carrier once you switch.

Ive always installed my own card tho. I buy my phones online and then the cards online from the phone company and install them myself.

Oh really....hmmm not sure why they would lock it then.....can see why you’d be upset......