Roll Call 114

Feeling emotion isn't really a bad thing. Feeling numb all the time would make sane people go crazy.

Bookshelf pictures are the best! I see a Vonnegut fan!

Have you experienced Bergeron? There's a movie on it.

I get agitated and bothered after an entire day of not feeling an emotion. Once in a great while I feel a shadow of emotion after a few beers, so I resort to having a couple drinks at lunch time. Pot doesn't work at all, it just makes me not think, which i hate. So i stay away from that. No prescription drugs have come close to helping either. This is my life. What's keeping me together is the will to write, without that life would be completely meaningless.

Tom bergeron? Yes i have. 🤫

🤫 shhh let me love you

(Thats what i told the bf)

You could be on too much medication which can make you numb... talk to your therapist/pdoc about the numbness. I've heard of people resorting to self harm and self medicate to just feel something. You don't want to go down that road. Pot helps me with with hallucinations more than anything. Usually when people smoke pot it is to numb themselves of strong emotions. Same with alcohol. which surprises me alcohol helps to feel something. Then again alcohol is a depressant. Does it make you depressed while drinking the alcohol or does it make you feel happy?

Chronic fatigue syndrome and untreatable negative symptoms

I die

I see psychiatrist on Monday

Like I want to do things but I can't. I'm stuck frozen in time.

I feel dizzy

It gives me a slight increase in alertness and sometimes emotional pleasure that is ever so slight. It never-ever has depressed me or made me sleepy. It has the same effect on me as coffee has in the past.

Oops, I was referring to a Kurt Vonnegut story called Bergeron. You can catch a glimpse of it on YouTube. It's science fiction and very political. It's very moving...

I read his Slaughterhouse 5 a long time ago. I enjoyed it.

Right now I'm reading Xenocide by Orson Scott Card, it's the 3rd book in the Ender's Game quadrilogy. There was a moment in it that so mark our delusions when we get to a point that to destroy the delusion is to destroy how we know ourselves, and so the person will fight and want to remain in the lie. She has a tragic story line. Ender is probably my favorite character I've read because he's so relatable to me: Third child, loving middle sister, violent older brother, pushed around and had to find ways to deal with it, has a thirst for knowledge, and desires truth. But then he has this godly capacity for empathy and compassion that is so admirable. It's really beautiful.

I was joking. Lol sorry.

Wow....yeah I’m with you life long learner, Part of my rationale for leaving my job and changing fields is to learn something entirely new.

Conversation between my ex and me.

Me: kinda reminded me from back when I was in cinci

Him: yeah
that was an interesting year

Me: sorry for the worry I caused you

Him: its fine
we were both not really doing too well
we were still a couple and i didnt do well with you moving away

Me: yeah... then again I obviously wasn't ready to move away.
plus I really didn't want to move back because that meant my mom could easily be around me and you know how she was.

Him: yeah

Me:i wasn't running away from you but mostly family.

Me: not to sound weird. I am over at the fact that we are apart but deep down I still love you. You where my first and always will be my first.
I didn't scare you now did I?

Him: nah
and i know. no matter what you were a big part of my life and that will continue to affect me. its not like our past didnt happen

Me: I hope I was more good than bad.

Him: you were. us breaking up was more my own

Greeeeeennnnn

Yea Vonnegut is an all time fave. Harrison Bergeron is one of my favorite short stories

Good morning. Slept like ****.
Definitely talking to my pdoc. My cat died and I couldn’t even cry. I just feel nothing . I miss her and I love her but I can’t cry. That’s not right. I used to cry over everything.

Morning,

I massively overslept again today. Didn’t get out of bed until 11am. Oversleeping makes me feel tired during the day too.

Maybe it’s because my pharmacy gave me a different brand of my olanzapine. I know sometimes there can be slight differences. As it happens my new prescription is yet another brand. Guess we’ll see if it changes then.

Morning

Was up at 3. Forced myself to sleep. Had coffee at that time. Guess ill have another.

That's my problem too. I get so depressed sometimes and I can't cry.

Yesterday I made an important Discovery. When my coil is not screwed into the base, it's hard to get the base level back on the tank. So this means my old tank should be able to work again, and my new tank too. All I have to do is screw the coil into the base. And hopefully I'll never confront the "level" problem again. It's so embarrassing having to ask for help screwing the base back on everyday. So, if I'm right, I could fill the old tank with a different flavor juice and switch off between my 2 tanks.

I have to shower. I hope there won't be anyone in there.

I know the feeling. When Lucky passed away I thought I would cry....but I didn't. It was really upsetting.

I got a lot of stuff to do today

Good afternoon/evening everyone. How are things going today?

I'm okay...ish. I will be helping my aunt set up her new computer today, when she gets home. Should really shower. I haven't showered in about a week. Also gonna have my wife cut my hair this weekend.

Hugs FR. are you going to get therapy at some point? I find it really orients me on self care. It’s like you have accountability....

So day 2 of no work is no excuses. Oh that whatever looks dirty, I should just clean it now, there is no, oh I’ll have more time later or on the weekend or whatever. I feel so productive and am hoping this energy lasts.