Roll Call 114

Are you ok? I hope you'll feel much better soon!!

My crystal is throwing tiny rainbows on the wall, haven’t seen this in like a year between being at work, busy on the weekends and the generally overcast weather we’ve been having.

Just finished watching stuff on TV. I’m a bit bored now. Too late to start back on Zelda I think. Might go to bed soon.

Woke up feeling like absolute crap. Absolutely horrible. Thankfully it wasn’t as bad during the day. Still don’t feel right though.
Got an appt with my pdoc next tues. He’s guna have such a go at me for messing with my meds I just know it. I don’t trust him at all I know he’s guna try and ruin my life.
Pup went to doggy daycare today, they sent us a video and it looks like he had a great time. We’re guna take him when we’re both at work. Don’t like the idea of leaving him on his own all day.

Mini oil lamp

Huuuuggggggssssssss

I absolutely love this lamp, we used to have a bigger one for when the power went out which was always fun as a kid.

Shytty day

Oh my God. I hate sharing a bathroom with five women. Especially when my new roommate uses it for the 1:00 to 2:00 pm hour. And a long time at night too. I hate it here. I wanna go home.

So it looks like maybe all my bottles of nail polish are thinner now. I won't be sure whether they were messed with until I use them. It used to be they were saturated and what you see in the bottle is what you see on your nails after 2 coats. No longer apparently. These are my toys. Just for fun.

I'm really depressed today.

The bf never came over today.

He told me i should find some friends and get out more. I reached out to about 20 people last year tho. On fb cuz i dont have their #. Not sure what else to do. Idk who else to goto. Ive been crying all day. Yesterday too.

This is exactly how i thought when i was under psychosis. At least you have insight when connecting no medicine to these thoughts.

Oh my salad days when I would feel guilt for calling off work sick and playing video games for the day. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic, Unreal Tournament, The Longest journey, Mass Effect. I still do it, but instead of video games it's books. Men want to feel like heroes so they play games that give that sense of reward and pleasure. It's built into them. It can be additictive like the internet can be.

I didnt mind at all when my ex played video games all day... that meant that I had the day to myself.

There's a gamble with men. Men have this hunger to dominate and spread seed. Then there is civilization and the pressures women want when selecting a mate that want men to stick around and be apart of their every day life. Men typically make part of their life about love but not their entire life about love. Where many women want a life devoted towards love. Men still have that beastly thirst in them to conquer, it's revealed in him playing video games still. I knew a woman that said that they feel more, and i think that is half true. They feel different emotions more than men, but men often times crave other emotions. Science fiction has a few female authors, but the vast majority of them are men, and their reader base is largely young males. Hard core science fiction usually depicts an epic hero and a fictional world they have to comprehend and change somehow. Jung would say these stories map onto the male psyche so well for a reason...

So i offered to freely give my friend lectures i downloaded from Thegreatcourses.com. They have university lectures from the best universities and professors in the English speaking world. He said, "No i already went to college." and that was the end of the conversation. History, psychology, philosophy, science, physics, literature, nutrition, historical figures, ANYTHING and he said, "no". I don't understand the people i work with. First philosophy is a neurosis and now learning is over for them completely? There living like moles.

It can be overwhelming when someone relies on you too heavily...I think it’s especially easy for this to happen without work, maybe it will get better after you start your freelance job? It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it that there is more to life than only you. If you can’t find people maybe hobbies will help, how is your uke coming along? I expect video/audio

My freelance job is on hold. I havent heard back from Appen. Which is the company i applied to. They said theyd email in 2-3 days but they didnt. I have a feeling i failed their testing phase. Idk.

I have a lot of hobbies. Photography, filmmaking, texting (kinda. Or just phone stuff in general), playing music, making art like painting/crafting. Artsy stuff. Never really laid it out like that. Maybe i do have some residual artist in me .

The uke is bombed. Idk how to play. Never been good at guitar to begin with. Its really hard.

Im thinking of volunteering at crisis text line. But id do all that from my computer. But its 2 hour shifts a day at least and its helping people in crisis, like suicidal people. Im looking for other volunteer work too outside of my house. Would get me out and doing something plus my ssdi wouldnt be risked. But i still need money...

The bf is coming over tomorrow. I told him how i felt and he said he only needed a day off to do errands and have alone time and that I basically overreacted. He assured me hes not going anywhere. I trust him, highly. I believe him. I told him i had a huge wall up since about a dozen people turned me away last year with friendship.

I had no interest to do anything today so I slept! ^^

I can't vape outside because it's -30 and my mom says I cough too much in the cold..

But I said ok cuz I don't really have a craving for nicotine.

This horrible day is almost over. Can’t wait to sleep and forget for a little while.
Doesn’t help that I ****ed up at work. Can’t wait to tell the boss.
Ugh I give
Tomorrow has to be better. Now I just have to get my dog back to the vet. Hopefully whatever it is is a quick fix. I miss my girl jumping at my feet.

Hey, gay men have high standards. Take it as a great complement!

If he becomes a nuisance then talk about vag1nas. That will gross him out lol

Wow. I took 2 Ativan and I’m snowed. This hasn’t happened in years.

We all make mistakes at work sometimes. All you can do is all you can do. Just tell him, say your sorry for the mishap, and that you've learned from it and he should be happy about that. No biggie.

says she talks to angels. They call her out by her name.

Im feeling really numb lately. More numb than usual. I don't know what to do about it... It's been a long time since I've felt an emotion.