Roll Call #115

Is it physical, or psychological?

psychological i think. I'm not sure if I'm hearing voices or people are talking quietly. I'm thinking about leaving my job because it's soul destroying and I feel like it's a waste of life but at the same time I can't just leave because I have bills to pay.

Shut up you or I will abuse u (It's ok personas can conflict)

The day is going by quickly. I bought some jalapeño, chilli and taco flavoured bags of nachos.

Hm. Did you change or forget your meds recently?

What kind of work would you like to do? Can you get a new job in that field?

No I've been taking my medication everyday so I don't think it's that. I don't know what else I could do that I would enjoy. I used to buy stuff cheap and then sell it on eBay for a while but it's not a set income.

Right, I remember that. Would you like to be self employed somehow? You could do it, but it doesn't happen overnight. Having your own business solves many problems (but adds new ones too).

Work out an exit plan...what you’ll do next....how much you need to save for a buffer etc. maybe you can’t leave now but you can plan....

Has anyone heard from Blue_Bird recently?

Well I talked in passing to my wife...we've been both busy doing our own thing. Helped my aunt with her computer and we talked, and it was clear to her I was not feeling well. I told her about the med dose change. Also talked about how low I am feeling about having to keep messing with meds with the pdoc. We've been working on this in two countries for almost 2 1/2 years. Feels like the finish line is never gonna come....happiness and stability is nothing but a distant dream of mine.

Im home now.

I actually had a good time and the person paid for my drink because i drove her there.

I dont regret it at all.

I felt like crying a few minutes ago but now I'm laughing because Biker Chick was trying to tell me my name hadn't been called yet for smoking, and I had both earplugs in. I'm giggling because I kept saying what? WHAT? And she wouldn't give me any funny money the other week when i.was at the coffee hour. Anyway, she kept repeating herself.

At this point, everyone knows not to talk to me (although the new girl still sometimes does). There's a guy here who does Charades in front of me if they call my name.

Anyway I'm still feeling crappy and I had a bad few minutes. I felt like a really rotten jerk. Not because of BC though.

Oh, MU came in while I was waiting and smiled bizarrely at me. I was wondering what she was planning and barely smiled back.

I FINALLY bought a new bra.

I learned something interesting on flipboard..

Study finds that suicidal people speak with less emotion about expressing sad words and usually say "He, she, they" and depressed people say "I, me, myself".

It's just general though not everyone.

Eventually things will be figured out more in the future and therapy will be more advanced..

Biker Chick is in group 1 of course, as is most everyone else. It's hard to imagine how they can keep fitting more and more people into group 1. She was coming in, from her lofty perch as a group 1 smoker, and being obnoxious. I want to go home.

I’m not sure there is a finish line.....it’s kinda a forever battle for happiness although you can achieve stability. I think it helps with expectations to frame it that way even though it’s less positive. It’s just more realistic and attainable albeit even stability can be elusive.

Yeah....I just want to be able to attain a few goals. Get my Bachelors degree, start music again, get surgeries I need to relieve my dysphoria, and become proficient in Finnish and naturalize as a Finnish citizen. None of these goals are easy ones, but I do indeed need some stability to achieve them. Life dealt me a cruel hand of cards, especially with the proliferation of mental illness that's erupted in the last 2 1/2 years.

I thought to myself....the up moods I've had for several months, followed up by a complete crash....there isn't any possibility this could be bipolar in nature? Or maybe just my AP dose increase....

Yeahhhhh this bra dont fit

#everygirlsproblem

last bra shopping trip for me was a nightmare lol

My internet came back. Haven't had it the past two days. Now i'm just relaxing. Been reading a book called transformation dynamics but the conclusion in it is weak. It's a philosophy book that just builds and builds but there is no real settled conclusion other than "something big is going to change." I finished working Thomas Reid into a dialogue and I also inserted a little vignette at the end which ties it up neatly. Next up i have descartes, francis bacon, david hume, and Kant then im done with the second book. However, i really do need to tweak the ending.

I just came back from having a coffee and im having another coffee 🤷🏽*♀️

It very well could be.....added to the list of things that aren’t constant are diagnoses.

Coffee is good until you need to sleep then there are issues.

Yea. This is my last one for the day. I cut off caffeine intake for the day at around 5pm. For the longest i cut it off at noon. But then i started getting tired during the day. I think ive been going through a severe depression. But ever since the sun has been shining ive started slowly feeling ever so slightly better. My peer worker suggested i take vitamin d3

Too much AP can make u depressed

Also sometimes it’s the path and not the destination that is important as far as goals. I had a lot more fun getting my bachelors and PhD than I ever did having them...I didn’t even bother to go to graduation ceremonies because it didn’t matter to me because I focus on the path rather than the destination, you still get there but you’ll always have a path even if you don’t have a destination.

Sorry I keep pushing you but we’ve already lost one member here and it’s impacted us all.