Roll Call #115

Yesterday I hung out with my coworker, her sister, and my co-workers friend . I was nervous when she invited me to the mall with them!! But I went and it went super well. I wasn't awkward or socially anxious or paranoid. This coworker is becoming a real out of work friend. I'm happy and hopeful it continues .I need friends.

Lol, I'm lucky then. You are a wonderful bunch!

No i didnt just get the 20 piece nugget from mcdonalds, AGAIN. Yea i went for a drive and ended up there. Lol. I cant finish it. I still got the fries and 5 or 6 more nuggets to go.

Good evening everyone. How are things going today?

That's great junkDNA! Making friends is always a nice thing.

I'm okay...kinda depressed. Slept from noon to 10pm. This morning I went to this mental health care place provided by the city. My counselor mentioned them in the past; I decided to go and see them. But I want a new perspective on the mental health problems I have. Apparently they have doctors there. I'm tired of my current pdoc just stamping BPD on every piece of my medical records. He really doesn't listen to what you have to say; and I'm not the only one. He does this to my wife too, as she also sees him. She's called him an a$$hole more than once cause of his condescending behavior. It would be nice to not have that kind of judgment. I feel like I'm not getting the whole picture on my mental health. I'm looking for reason; for answers. I want to try natural supplements as well to treat my symptoms, and consult with a pdoc before doing it. Anything to try and improve my condition. I want to be well enough to go to school this fall.

After going to the mental health centre, I went to the library for the first time. Brought my laptop and found a quiet corner to try and study Finnish. My attention was horrific. I remember why this is so hard for me. Then I kept seeing people out of the corner of my eye; I looked over. Sometimes they were there. Sometimes not. Then I felt energy looking at me from behind. Looked behind me, no one there. Then the chair in front of me started talking....and the windows were staring at me. I got scared and packed everything up and went home.

While I was at the library I was talking to Erti, she gave me some resources, and I read into negative symptoms. I know they can often overlap with depression. But the problem is I was having problems even when I wasn't depressed from September to January. Like trying to start up and keep goals. It's really hard for me and I used to be a very goal-oriented person. My hygiene is also horrendous. I used to take very good care of myself. Lethargy, and issues with attention span. Its just hard. I used to power through all these things even with depression present. It wasn't really a problem. Now it is. I just hope I can succeed in school. I started looking up natural supplements such as niacin, ginkgo biloba and ginseng.

I told everything to my wife, and we discussed things. I've been thinking for a while now that the whole central hospital psychiatric campus is gaslighting me or conspiring against me. My wife questioned me on that, asking what do they have to gain from that. I don't honestly know. I still think they do. She said whenever I start acting....off; I get this way towards both my meds and the medical support community.

Have you read about sarcosine.....supposed to help....I’ve always been afraid to try supplements but others have posted positive stories about it here in the past.

Im having a better day now. Glad i got out for a bit even though it was to get food.

I have not. I will read into this and put it on my list of things to bring up to the hopefully new pdoc...

I'm feeling quite terrible right now. I don't know what to do. I feel like my future is hopeless. I don't know if tonight is gonna take a turn for the worst. Well I have an appointment at 2pm. At least I have an option there...

When I was first out of the hospital after my psychosis I was all over the place....I had my parents stay with me so they could keep an eye on me. I was very lucky to have someone to give me constant care when I needed it. Without that I should have stayed in the hospital longer. Given that you’re feeling this way now and it gets worse at night consider whether you can either have someone watch you or whether it’s better to goto hospital.

Im not that lucky. I always have to look after myself.

Well I will keep myself safe tonight. My wife is home but she's going to bed soon...we'll see what happens come tomorrow I guess.

Ok....I just worry, I don’t want to see anything happen to you.....

It’s 8 and I’m ready for bed. I am so tired.

Its 7 here. Ready for bed myself

My produce box that was not delivered due to snow Friday just arrived out of the blue. So the company apparently repacked them this morning and shipped them again today. I was afraid it was the same stuff from Friday that was just sitting in a box on a truck somewhere. So technically this is really nice but now I just ordered groceries this morning so I have like 4 pounds of carrots 🥕 I was already making a double recipe of carrot soup now it will be a quadruple.....

That sucks. Hmmm, this place was like your uncles self ran battery place. They check your alternator and something else to make sure that stuff is okay too. The battery says "premium" on it, but by looking at it i think it should say "generic" haha. but whatever, it started right up stronger than it ever has! Cars suck, right? Car problems are the worst if that's your source of transportation to work and the bank.

Im ready to take my meds. My heart is pounding like crazy.

If I were you I’d take them and go to bed.

I took them just now. But i cant just goto bed. I always have to wait til my dad comes home because the dog barks like crazy and my dad expects me to greet him when he comes home.

Yeah I wait for my husband before I go to bed.

Ill take my Benadryl at 9

They are finally giving me some meds, but not the cough medicine still.

And now it's getting cold in here.

They're going to make me go to the dentist before the eye doctor. Saying I can't take the chance of sepsis. Oh God. I'm so exhausted.

I want to have the will to be interested generally in life. I have no motivation to do anything and people have to push me.

I look forward to nothing and when the thing that I'm supposed to look forward to comes, time just passes by and then when it's over, it's like it never happened.

I find passion in certain things but it's like I don't feel it enough to connect fully.

When I'm on the computer, I don't find the lure of what I want to do and the longer I stay like this, the worse it gets because all of what I've known about what makes me connect, is gone and forgotten.

I have so many things to say about this but I don't even care enough to post this message.

Everything I do is left unfinished. Like this post.