Roll Call 143

Once I had a really cool dream that it was the end of the world, and I stood in my doorway watching. There were wonderful colors in the air and dinosaurs on the sidewalk.

I was reading in a 2018 Ripley's Believe it or Not book that a 62 year old man, here in NY, was outside in the woods at night (2am) playing Pokemon Go and had to be rescued because he got stuck in mud up to his waist.....

Wow....he must have really liked that game.

Its been raining here for several days...weird for So CA and this morning there was a beautiful bright rainbow that was huge. The edges were really bright and you could really see the colors. It was magnificent. Kit

I walked to the store a little while ago and back and my anxiety was horrible. I was practically panicking the whole time which is strange. I think it's because the weather's nice and there's a lot of people out, that's one other reason why I like cold weather, people stay inside lol

I hope my sun catcher isn't ruined in my apartment. I made it at the hospital. Hang it in the sun and it produces rainbows!

Bf said hes tired of dealing with my sadness and irritability.

Im definitely depressed.

Ive been sleeping so much past 2-3 weeks. And having nightmares all this week. I havent even worked. I havent done anything or much of anything.

HUGS Newtus

I just sent an email to my job counselor about them getting me a therapist in my area. I hope they can. Idk if im too far out now but i hope .

They tried to get me one before but those therapists never answered my call. Or never called me back.

I hope you can get a good therapist.

Bad idea. Drank too much coffee.

I'm a fool

Newtus, I hope you can find a good T for you. It's hard but it can be helpful. Kit

Just won this in my apartment complex’s raffle!!!!

I'm having bad poverty of thought lately

I don’t know how I feel. I feel like I’m off. Not normal. Like these meds are blocking me. Maybe this is my new normal. I don’t feel like I think I should.

I’m not having racing thoughts or impulsivity just feel off. I can’t even explain it. Don’t know if I could even explain to an doctor.

You could always try a different med or different dose....

I want a hot fudge sundae with butter brickle ice cream and a banana. With nuts and a cherry.
However since my body has turned on my and sucked the enjoyment of life from my soul I will eat granola instead.

Horrible anxiety tonight

I’ve been good on the Latuda. It helps me so much. Don’t think there’s much to change there.

Maybe we can adjust the seroquel. I don’t know. It could just be the winter funk I don’t know.

How’s your vitamin D?

I don’t get outside much and I haven’t used the sad lamp in a while because I was feeling better.

I've had enough and I'm going to make a schedule of everything I'm going to do daily. Eating, computer, phone, studying, xbox/ps4, work, recreation like (skiing, music, being social), sleep, books, podcasts, gym, hygiene, meditation, meds, unknown free time to be creative,.. It's going to suck but it could work and I'll let you people know if it works.

It's because I've been wasting so much time.. And especially with studying, I'll have to predict how much time my course will take and not check flipboard or facebook for a dopamine hit as a break from studying.

I don't even know how to make a proper schedule in the way of how I can organize time and where to start but I'll make it from scratch..

I'm going to try and make like 10 hours 1 thing for every hour. It's the only way. I'm going to ask my therapist to help me with this.

The benefits will to be to stop thinking about my depressing thoughts (I'll use meditation for that).

Isn't this a great idea? I think so.. I wish I had the personality type of an entrepreneur but I don't. I also wish I was born in Australia.

Why can't my therapist be aggressive with me? My last therapist was aggressive with challenging my delusions and it worked. The Invega kills psychosis more and more every time I get a shot. I don't even have paranoia anymore. Zero.

I need people that aren't sociopaths and are legit people to stop caring about my feelings and push me but also on a spiritual level. I need people like that. That's why I wanted to do martial arts.

I really need people in my life to motivate me because I'm good at motivating other people when I'm not in such a depressing empty hole. My friends were lazy which is why I don't talk to them.

In the independent living unit, people were aggressive with motivating me but I was too sick.

I still have no idea where to go or what to do with myself. So I just have to walk into the dark. I may crash.