Roll Call 143

I'm not up to much. Just emailed my former T. Trying not to freak out. She usually responds in like a week or so. I'm still on my lunch break at work. It would be nice if the second half of the day went by as quickly as the first half. Kit

That would scare me too but hopefully it's just a random coincidence...Hugs Kit

My life is flooded with bloody coincidences. Every time I talk to someone, I seem to be on their level based on what I've been thinking about recently.

I slipped on the ice this morning on my way to class and some stranger saw, stopped and offered me a ride. I got in the car and I started thinking, "Is this the start of my adventures? Telling strangers stories while hitchhiking"

It seems like everyone is connected to my thoughts. Like some unknown force is gathering data and simulating it for me to make things easier for me, to some unknown destiny.

Not being able to focus, skipping my injection because I wrote the 13th of February instead of the 7th, telling the pharmacy not to call me because I would know. Someone is watching me and controlling this. Making decisions for me. Telling me to stop the Concerta.

All the times I should have died, I died in a split dimension. I'm invincible because I believe that I will live to 92 years old. Or a certain age that is a secret.

But that's just my magical thinking.. it doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, it's kind of cool. Makes me think of what happens after death. Maybe I get to meet my fears and the fears attack me. Maybe I'll be running all of my life, towards something that I've been running from. The dark side of karma. People don't get karma because they don't understand it. It's physical.

Everything I do on the internet is monitored. The government sees and then uses energy weapons to control my heart beat. My family being spies. But I block it all out. If I dare think about it, that is part of the problem. If I write it down like I'm doing now, it's even worse of a problem. If I tell them, they will be concerned. But why? They're just thoughts. But if they are thoughts, they are physical thoughts. Thoughts are physical and exist.

I need probably a good understanding of philosophy to be well but I rely on my own insight now instead of reassurance. Maybe because of the meds. Idk.

This may have just gotten a whole lot more scary to me. I went to a local market with my wife and roommate, and I saw a car that looked much like the band leader's car. I think it had the same plate number. Took the number down, gonna compare it to when I see his car tomorrow at band. I'm freaking the heck out. What if he's out to get me? What if others are watching my every move. Stalking me on here, finding me in real life, and then going to do something bad to me. I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt. My hands are shaking and sweaty.

Idk what to do...

Do you think it could be paranoia?

I wish it could be but if that was indeed his car, I'd be in the thought that he's watching me...voices are saying he is out to get me. I heard his voice too. He wants me.

How big is your town? Could it be a coincidence.?

It's in the 50-100K region. Not gonna say exact numbers cause I don't want anyone more finding out and going after me too. So not super small but not super large either.

I live in about a 65,000 to 75,000 population and I run into people very often. I do even in bigger cities near here like the capital, Albany.

I hope you feel better about it though FR, I'm sure it's a coincidence

Okay. I just want to run. The voices said he was coming and even he said he was. I'm scared. I don't normally run into people I know here...but then Finnish people are hermits, lol.

One thing my therapist had me do when I'm paranoid is kind of reality check. It's kind of hard when in that state (and I'm not saying you are or aren't) but maybe ask yourself why he would want to harm you? When I thought the government was after me I had to eventually realize that it's not likely that they'd go out of their way to come after me, they have much more important things going on lol. Sometimes I get paranoid about people following me too but I ask myself why would someone really follow me? I don't have any enemies and I don't exactly have money or any assets at all, if someone were trying to plot to kill me they'd have to go out of their way and risk going to prison and I don't think anyone's going to do that

I'm sorry you're scared Have you told your wife about it? What does she think?

I guess so. I guess I have to fight this. But it seems so dang real. I hope I don't keep running into him in the city. Else I know for sure he is after me...Why so quickly? What brought this on?


I can't sleep any time soon cause I am scared to sleep...

Findingreason I hope it's just a coincidence. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you can sleep and not be scared. Try to tell yourself you are safe right now at this moment.

Well tomorrow morning is going to suck.
I ate Smartfood for dinner . I sabotage myself.
I am incredibly tired tonight. I was all worked up at the eye doc. We waited forfreakingever and then she did his exam and tried ushering us out. I was like uhh can you do the fitting we requested. It worked out okay but I was pissy for a bit.

I did some yoga. 15 minutes of it. Normally do 20ish minutes but I'm really tired and was worried I'd lose my balance and fall

I took my meds

Hey everyone. I'm taking Monday completely off because I feel like I really need it. I haven't had a day off, besides weekends, for about 3 weeks if I recall correctly. Plus I'll give my tax stuff to my tax guy, get an oil change, hair cut, ect… My hygiene has been pretty bad. I have an unkempt beard now, and hair too long. It's the illness. sigh... I feel like the weight lifter who can't put the weights down. I feel the way that I look.

I slept so good

I hope you have a nice day off DT, you deserve it

Morning/Afternoon,

I slept okay I guess. I felt tired and didn’t want to get up but my mum was around briefly today so I did. We had a cup of tea and caught up.

I was going to go to the cinema today but, how shall I put this, I had a wobbly tummy incident. I think it was isolated but I didn’t want to be needing to rush to the toilet in the cinema. I’ll go on Monday instead. I prefer it during the week when it’s less busy.

So instead I’m just starting season 4 of The West Wing. Not much else planned. Maybe watch a movie and then read later tonight.

Hope everyone is ok!

*edit* - I forgot to say. I’m pretty confident today will be a sober day. Hopefully the first of many to come.

Good luck with your sobriety sorry you're not feeling well. I understand not wanting to go until a weekday when it's less busy. I always do things like that. I hate being around a bunch of people lol

I finished season 7 of American Horror Story. Just have to wait for the final season to be put on Netflix. Right now I'm watching a show based on Lizzie Borden and a comedy animated show called F is for Family

Think I've finally managed to get into a normal sleep routine. I go to sleep every night around a reasonable time and get up in the morning. I'm happy that the seroquel has helped. Previous to that I had been trying to fix my sleep pattern for well over a year and was never able to get it straightened out.

I watched AHS 1-4 then I was a bit unsure about 5 so gave up part way through. I should give the later seasos another go though. Will have to wait until I subscribe to Netflix again!

F is for Family is hilarious. Love it!

Morning...eating breakfast. Dave’s Killer bread with homemade strawberry preserves. Pretty good.
Finished work for the morning. I’ll probably go back later. Nothing going on as usual. Will run to my guys house a little later but otherwise I’m just staying in the house. It’s cold and drizzling .
That freaking popcorn did me in this morning. Ugh...was I ever sick. Note to self.