Roll Call 143

I had to take an ativan last night cuz my heart felt weird prevented me from drifting into sleep so I was tossing and turning. Idk what to say to my doctor about this..

Are you supposed to have Ativan?

He said to only take it when I really need it

Then it should be ok....

It's about the heart. Idk if it's all in my head but it feels like God is trying to scare me into appreciating life by making my heart feel uncomfortable in my chest. That's why I'm afraid to exercise. I feel like it has beaten enough and needs a break because 22 years is such a long time..

I'm hyper aware of my heart again after a period of barely ever checking my pulse when I was on Vyvanse. So maybe I can't use Concerta anymore and have to switch back. But I'm still taking it because without it I can't get out of bed for days.

Considering all you’ve been on, I’ll let the pros advise you on your heart but it sounds a lot like ocd.....

My mom has a severe heart condition and she doesn't have this problem.. she has a leaky heart valve and long qt syndrome..

Every time I take an ECG test, my heart electroactivity is perfect..

But this is my worst OCD symptom. It feels good to check my pulse like I get relief that it's still beating or feels the perfect way. Then the thoughts come back and I do it again.

Meh. What a hell.. But I can't get these thoughts out of my head I need constant reassurance from doctors.

Naturally, I thought seconds in time were much slower than they actually were until I looked at my watch. Seconds are pretty fast.. I checked my pulse and pretended that two beats = one beat and it freaked me out when in reality it was beating normal.

lolz maybe I can talk to my therapist about it idk.. I'm good at breaking OCD habits on my own though by ignoring..

I honestly don’t know that much about ocd or how to fix it.....for me I get like intrusive thoughts that are weird but I don’t act on them....

Going to studeh..

Hey everyone. How are things going today?

I’m good. Just getting ready to go to Maistraatti to find out more info about name change. Hopefully can finalize that this week. Then begin the daunting process of replacing all my identification and residence permit documents. Things are coming together.

I am inspired still. Fired an email off to the international office at the school regarding the practical training portion of my degree program. Gonna probably go for an internship instead of studies in Seattle.

What’s everyone up to today?

Listening to ocean waves 🌊, trying to figure out why I’m not asleep.

Oof. Have you been able to get any sleep at all?

I think I am gonna get a swimming pass at the city pool soon. I want to get back into shape with something that’s not high impact on my knees. To my knowledge water sports would be reasonably easy on it since there is no hard impacts. The weird thing? I have been terrified of water my whole life. So its weird I want to do something involving swimming...heh. Oh well.

I was asleep until like 2 am now it’s closer to 6, so enough that I won’t be to tired tomorrow besides I’ll probably fall back to sleep soo then sleep till ten or something, I’ve been oversleeping anyway.

Hey all,

My day is going okay.

I got my referral through about my alcohol use. I have an appointment next week.

Hope all are well!

We have 20-35 mph wind right now with gusts between 50 to 60mph. I almost got knocked over walking to the college earlier lol

Went to the food pantry. Also got some coffee, thank God. I was out of it for a week and craving it like crazy

Went to the store with my partner, then took a shower and am running a load of laundry. I made some more emails. I'm on a roll