[Mortem]

Time and time again I've found myself thinking of acts of violence so brutal it doesn't seem even relatively okay, most of the time it is towards somebody who i have seen as evil. sometimes i see myself as evil, thoughts have been progressively more worrying.

Possible trigger:

its like i want to be some kind of vigilante who kills those who wrong to weak but not just kill, torture. i can remember in elementary school telling a boy who was bullying me ill put his head on a pike outside his parents home.

im not sure how i even thought of this but i worry that if i lose my mother or a sibling ill lose myself. i feel sometimes like the best course of action is to be killed but i see suicide as an act of weakness. i think everyday about how i hope i have a brain tumor or i get shot, or i could die saving somebody and then redeem myself and i can sleep forever in the comfort of death. i know that these thoughts are far from acceptable and even having them shows there is something terribly wrong with me. i have a therapist but he doesn't seem to focus on the issues i am actually worried about. i used to get angry then violent but now its a calm state where i can picture precisely what i would do and just the mention of a rapist makes me focus on it and i cant seem to let it go and all i want to do is hurt them. i'm not sure what i am or why i am the way i am but i feel like i'm not just one person sometimes like I've got three modes almost i know i am me but sometimes i don't know who that is, if that makes sense. i cant seem to focus on any one thing for too long i've tried creative outlets but its like letting an ocean through a keyhole and i fear ill spiral into drug addiction as many i know have.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Mortem: Thank you for sharing your concerns here on PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

One thing you might do, here on PC, is to take some of the quizzes & tests that are on offer. Perhaps they may help you to clarify what you're struggling with. Here's a link to the listing of quizzes & tests that are available:

Psychological Quizzes and Tests

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[StarsDust]

there's a similiar thing that happens in people with ocd, where they'll have, for example, a violent thought and start worrying they'll act on it, thinking they're a bad person or losing their minds.
obviously i'm not qualified to tell you what you have or not, but if you want a little more information, here's a doctor talking about it(about 5 minutes in);

and i can tell you, wanting to make bad people(like rapists) suffer is not uncommon, thats why movies like "i spit on your grave" exists and many people like it. sometimes we're just angry about the awful things in the world we want revenge, not to best way to deal with things, but its a common feeling

sorry this got long and whatever it is, if it causes you distress you're therapist should be helping you with, maybe try to talk with them about it again?

[stayingafloat]

I can relate to your thoughts although mine come in the form of vengeance against my past and existing bullies. Its understandable why you feel that way.

[redCanine3669]

welcome to the forums, mortem

There are two types of mania that I know of, Rage and Euphoria. I only have experienced the rage, but I lived in euphoria for decades. Maybe this agitation is on the slow burner your entire life and need an antipsychotic or mood stabilizer to balance you back out. Agitation is a terrible way to live mate. I hope you're able to see a pdoc and he gets you the help you need.

[avlady]

As a child I always wished I had some disorder or illness so I could get attention I guess. I was neglected, in reality, and don't wish such things on my self, but I am schitzophrenic so maybe that was why too. I now wish I never had such thoughts.