Roll Call: 146

Desoxyn · Apr 12, 2019, 11:05 PM

My essay has too many ideas

Interesting but doesn't make sense.

I should take an English course to learn how to write better. Cuz I just communicate my way.

I don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts my brain to be criticised by myself for not having enough experience.

I'm going mental.

Gr3tta_0 · Apr 12, 2019, 11:06 PM

I'm super happy my wife is home after having 3 surgeries and being in hospital 3 weeks. She has a bunch more medical care now, but I'm starting to feel more confident in doing it. My job is protected, but not my paycheck - eek! The most important thing is just for her to feel better though, and she's finally starting to.
Also it's been confirmed my horrific neighbors are being evicted. Thank heaven. In another month that will be one less worry.
I've had some voices increase, but i think that was to be expected for me with the incredible stress at times. I'm about back to baseline.
I hope everyone will have a wonderful weekend. I wish it would be spring already, jeez!

Desoxyn · Apr 12, 2019, 11:07 PM

I'm making like a couple topics and connecting them all together. Lol wtf am I doing am I still in psychosis? xd

Desoxyn · Apr 12, 2019, 11:16 PM

I literally can't make any sense and it's frustrating me

Erti · Apr 12, 2019, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I'm making like a couple topics and connecting them all together. Lol wtf am I doing am I still in psychosis? xd

Lol, maybe you can talk to an english tutor and maybe they can help you put together ideas and help you put together your ideas?

Erti · Apr 12, 2019, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I literally can't make any sense and it's frustrating me

You're making sense to me right now

Desoxyn · Apr 13, 2019, 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

Lol, maybe you can talk to an english tutor and maybe they can help you put together ideas and help you put together your ideas?

After I'm going to ask my mom to read it cuz she's really good at English.

Erti · Apr 13, 2019, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

After I'm going to ask my mom to read it cuz she's really good at English.

that's good. she knows you best too so she may be able to decipher on what you're trying to say.

Erti · Apr 13, 2019, 06:48 AM

Possible trigger:

I remember being young... my rapist was going to the restroom and i looked underneath the door to watch him pee... he notices and tells me i can watch him pee threw a vent into the other room... so i did... then i remember one time when i was 6 -7 years old i walked downstairs from my room to get something to eat. my rapist stops me... he pulls his pants down and then mine... he places me on his lap... there was his penis... he placed my hand on his penis... i was scared and knew what was going to happen next... next thing i know is he made me straddle him and we played "horsey" while he was inside me... i dissociated and it was like it wasn't happening. I was told to not tell my mom what "we" were doing because my mom would kill him and we didn't want that now did we?... memory ended

I remember being in the same bed with him one day while watching an episode of power rangers... i was hanging halfway off the bed and he grabbed my butt. It felt good for some reason. he stopped and then i wanted him to do it more so i kept doing that same position until he did it again... memory ended...

I remember him and I would get into tickle fights... he would touch me inappropriately and "tickle" my privet parts... THAT made me feel uncomfortable. It was that insentience i told my grandmother about with the sexual abuse. I said he'd tickle my butt and didn't like it. my grandmother told my mom and she kicked out my rapist out... however after that they acted like nothing had happened... my emotional scars were never tended to... last thing i remember after that was my mom woke me up and told me that he'd never hurt me again and i cried. i cried because i got him into trouble. scared... frightened. I guess stockholm syndrome? who knows?

I have so many different memories from the abuse. It happen repeatedly over the past 5 years of my young life at the time. so many things... so many times... memories keep popping up. I don't know what to think

ofthevalley · Apr 13, 2019, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

I'm super happy my wife is home after having 3 surgeries and being in hospital 3 weeks. She has a bunch more medical care now, but I'm starting to feel more confident in doing it. My job is protected, but not my paycheck - eek! The most important thing is just for her to feel better though, and she's finally starting to.

Also it's been confirmed my horrific neighbors are being evicted. Thank heaven. In another month that will be one less worry.

I've had some voices increase, but i think that was to be expected for me with the incredible stress at times. I'm about back to baseline.

I hope everyone will have a wonderful weekend. I wish it would be spring already, jeez!

I was just wondering about you.
Wonderful news about your wife!!!

ofthevalley · Apr 13, 2019, 07:08 AM

Getting ready to head off for the day with gram. I feel bad leaving my daughter though...she’s still sick.
Slept okay...just not long enough.

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 07:35 AM

I have the strangest dreams, it's like if American Horror story met a bad lsd trip lol

Findingreason · Apr 13, 2019, 09:03 AM

Hey everyone, how are things going?

I’m still in the psych ward. For an indefinite period of time. We will see what happens. They put me on an increased dose of Zoloft, mirtazapine, and Ativan.

Possible trigger:

I’m alive. I am not at all happy about it. But I am alive.

Findingreason · Apr 13, 2019, 11:06 AM

Possible trigger:

So much shame. So much guilt. The past. The present. The future. It’s all messed up. It’s my fault for all this.

I deserve all that’s happened to me. I’m unable to amount to much of anything as a human being. It’s pointless to even try.

Erti · Apr 13, 2019, 11:29 AM

I'm having trouble sleeping again... i get really exhausted and sleep for 15 minutes and am wide awake... I've been having periods like that here lately. I've had periods of feeling on top of the world and periods of feeling triggered by anything and everything... not that i'm sad but that i feel unsafe and only way out is to

Possible trigger:

die.

. not quite sure about this one guys. maybe i need an increase in my lamictal? they refused to at the hospital and said i'm already at a high dosage at 200 mg a day which is ********.

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

I'm having trouble sleeping again... i get really exhausted and sleep for 15 minutes and am wide awake... I've been having periods like that here lately. I've had periods of feeling on top of the world and periods of feeling triggered by anything and everything... not that i'm sad but that i feel unsafe and only way out is to

Possible trigger:

die.

. not quite sure about this one guys. maybe i need an increase in my lamictal? they refused to at the hospital and said i'm already at a high dosage at 200 mg a day which is ********.

Have you tried any other mood stabilizers?

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Findingreason

Possible trigger:

So much shame. So much guilt. The past. The present. The future. It’s all messed up. It’s my fault for all this.

I deserve all that’s happened to me. I’m unable to amount to much of anything as a human being. It’s pointless to even try.

You don't deserve anything that's happened to you and it's definitely not your fault

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 12:04 PM

I ended up falling asleep for another 4 hours. It's weird because the past few days I started drinking a lot of coffee again and now I'm starting to sleep a lot lol

newtus · Apr 13, 2019, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I ended up falling asleep for another 4 hours. It's weird because the past few days I started drinking a lot of coffee again and now I'm starting to sleep a lot lol

You could be dehydrated. Drinking more water helps some people offset the dehydration of coffee. I know when i start getting tired from coffee, im dehydrated.

Findingreason · Apr 13, 2019, 12:53 PM

There were nurses and others after me. Spirits on the walls, changes in colours and shadow. It scared me. I was trying to dodge them and stay away from them. One of the nurses stopped me and was asking me why I kept wandering around. I told her that they were after me and I wasn’t safe. That the one that assaulted me will be back for me too. She said no one is coming for me. She said I’m safe. I don’t believe her. I asked for two Ativan anyway to calm the fear. Doesn’t negate the facts though. It’s scaring me.

Erti · Apr 13, 2019, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Have you tried any other mood stabilizers?

No I haven't. not quite sure if i wanna try lithium or depakote.

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

No I haven't. not quite sure if i wanna try lithium or depakote.

I had a very bad experience with Lithium but it was because my doctor wasn't monitoring my levels properly, I know it's helpful for some though. I was on Depakote for several years and it was very helpful, I switched to 1200mg Trileptal though since it's more weight neutral

Erti · Apr 13, 2019, 01:18 PM

maybe i'll ask my doctor next time i see her.

Blue_Bird · Apr 13, 2019, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

You could be dehydrated. Drinking more water helps some people offset the dehydration of coffee. I know when i start getting tired from coffee, im dehydrated.

Yeah that could be it, I tend to not drink enough water when I'm going through my obsessive coffee drinking phases lol I just drank a bottle of water now

12AM · Apr 13, 2019, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

No I haven't. not quite sure if i wanna try lithium or depakote.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I had a very bad experience with Lithium but it was because my doctor wasn't monitoring my levels properly, I know it's helpful for some though. I was on Depakote for several years and it was very helpful, I switched to 1200mg Trileptal though since it's more weight neutral

Nothing controls my mood like Lithium, but then I got toxicity

Depakote didn’t do anything to me, currently on Lamictal, it helps just not as wonderful as Lithium.

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Roll Call: 146

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