Roll Call: 146

My husband left like 2 hours ago to get dinner. I know he’s talking to the owner about renting a room there for after fil’s burial but damn. We’re getting hungry.
I was a bad employee today. I feel guilty about it now. I had a guy email for a status update. I didn’t send it. I just went right past it. He’s kind of a jerk and talks to me like I’m his servant. I don’t like him. And his buy is a ******* nightmare I just don’t feel like dealing with today.
So there it is...I suck. Ugh it’s probably going to keep me awake tonight.
My daughter has very sensitive skin and pretty severe excema on her legs and trunk. We have to be careful with detergents and stuff like that. Well she picked out new face towelettes this weekend and used one today. OMG her cheeks looked like tomatoes. Bright angry red and swollen. I kinda wanted to freak out but kept calm and iced her then loaded her face up with hydrocortisone. It’s gone now thank god. The docs keep telling me her skin will get better but it doesn’t seem that way.

Laughing is the best, I've been watching funny gaming videos on YouTube, it feels great to laugh. Had a lot less anxiety today, or dealt with it better

I know u dont have xbox one but you should get one. They are cheaper now since theres 3 models out.

But reason i mentioned it is because theres something on there called Mixxer. Its like twitch but for xbox and tons of gaming channels and even music channels and people playing music etc

I will, I have been thinking about it I'll just need to save some money, the Switch was a big purchase for me

I’m so frustrated I could cry.
I still can’t eat. I’ve made myself 4 meals in the last 2 days and I haven’t been able to get through one yet. Tonight hubby brought me my favorite soup...I managed 3 spoons before my stomach lurched.
My stomach either hurts because it’s so hungry or it’s lurching and hurting from nausea when I put food in front of me.
Going to the doc is out of the question. They do nothing for me. The next option was exploratory surgery. They don’t even know what they’re looking for. Why in the world would I consent to being cut open with no set plan? That’s just crazy IMO.
They suggested exploratory surgery on my knee when I was 14 and hurt it. I held out 26 more years until they figured out what they were looking for and could take care of it in one surgery.
Anyway. I really hope to feel better tomorrow. I’m so tired of feeling sick. It’s like 24/7 morning sickness that lasts my entire existence.

"I am the girl with a smile on her face

people turn around without knowing what's on my plate

They see me and fool themselves into believing my life must be great

Ignoring the small warning signs until things are too late" - Jessica Farley

Had an adderall nap. Gonna sleep the whole night now and wake up early to do studying and raking grass.

yeah, i'm ****ing great... how the **** are you all?

Good morning, only got 3 hours of sleep again, I feel alright though

Jess
I ****ing wish abusive assholes had the ability to feel the pain they cause others.
No child should be treated that way. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t beat half to death. Children should NOT be hit. It’s up to the adults to curb that kind of anger.
I’m so sorry you were treated so badly. I’m going to adopt you.

@Erti, your mom sounds like a real monster. What she did was definitely abuse. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really wonder why some people have kids if they are going to treat them that way.

here's the thing... i feel like i have to defend my mother some. shes always kept a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes to wear. however, my education and physical, mental, hygienic needs weren't always met. i flunked a grade because of lice and kept getting kicked out and staying out of school weeks and sometimes a month after the fact i got "caught" with having head lice. I had it real bad and was told to avoid scratching my head at school and letting people near me to notice lice in my head. I didn't start going to the dentist until i was 18 after a tooth crumbled in my mouth and i needed to have a root canal. I mean i have good teeth don't get me wrong but it took a lot of fillings and a root canal to get them that way. as for mental health my mom tried to hide the fact my sexual abuse and rape happened after i told my grandmother what happen when i didn't want to go home with my mom's ex boyfriend that night. i wish they wouldn't of locked his *** up but all my mom did was kick him out and told no one. she told my dad's best friend but not my dad himself. my dad's bestfriend never told my dad because he said it wasn't his place to tell him and according to my dad he once delivered pizza to my moms ex's house after she kicked him out. my mom's ex asked my dad how i was doing... my dad said i was fine and my moms ex smiled and laughed oddly in an unsettling way. my dad didn't know about it until i told him a few years ago...

my dad isn't any better either with the severe neglect when i was over at his house when he did come and picked me up. i did tell my mom about being locked in a bedroom all the time. eventually my dad stopped coming around and i didn't see him 4 years later where he "tried" coming into my life but my stepmom was jealous of me and treated me like **** when i was over at their house. it wasn't until she ended up getting breast cancer she started treated me like a human being... my dad knew how my stepmom was towards me but did nothing and took her side. he continued to stay with her and seeing me less and less. I always got the brunt of her ******** and if my sister did something "wrong" i got my *** busted for it too. if I cried because they didn't let me call my mom or grandmother in order to let me go home I got my *** busted for it. at one point at 8 years old my dad picked me up took me to his place and refused to let me call home.. locked me and my siblings in a bedroom from days on end... lack of food as usual... and didn't let me have contact with my grandmother or my mom... they basically kidnapped me. my grandmother called my dads bff and he told her where my dad lived and eventually picked me up after arriving unexpectinly at the door. i was filthy, natted hair, missing clothes, and the one bedroom apartment that lived me my two brothers my sister and my dad and stepmom smelled of diapers. I came home and that was the end of that part of my life.

lol writing it down and reading back on it and how people react to it makes me realize how bad it was. i've always downplayed it that I wasn't severely physically abused. things got better when my mom met my stepdad. he's the one that taught me how to read at the age of 9. he made sure he nipped the lice problem in the head with me. he treated me like a father should of treated me. He besides my grandmother was the best thing that ever happened to me. I do have good people in my life. I would of never made it through school if it wasn't for him. I'd can't imagine how'd i be if i never told my grandmother about the sexual abuse from my mom's ex. probably not around to tell the tell.

the thing about the lice is embarrassing same thing with my education and not being able to read until i was 9 years old. Kids aren't nice at all. kids out casted me for being "dirty" and lice infested. I can tell you guys this because now i realize it wasn't ok and that it wasn't my fault. probably why my writing skills aren't so great and i take forever to read and have a hard time reading things out loud.

Well my sister just had me call her and she told me some **** man...

well story time... my sister is pregnant with my dad's best friends kid... same dude we called uncle Jeff and knew growing up. That's not the ****ed up part though... anyways... my brother and my uncle Jeffs daughter (from a different women) were talking to each other on facebook. My brother left his information on the phone while talking to uncle jeffs daughter and my sister started reading it... well anyways they were calling my sister a dirty *****... uncle jeff's daughter said the next time she sees my sister she's going to kick her *** in hopes the baby would die... not only that... both my brother and uncle jeff's daughter said they're not going to claim the baby as family. My sister made a point... when my brother was ****ing around with 12 - 13 year old little girls while he was 17 - 18 years old we said NOTHING when he was facing statutory rape charges. (then again i might of said something about it to my ex and basically said how much of an idiot he is). So yeah, i told my sister to save those conversations in case uncle jeffs daughter does try to do something.

--- more **** i promise you---

anyways, easter dinner at my grandmothers house has been cancelled on my dads side of the family due to family drama. my cousin Shaun and his "baby mama" are getting along again and had claimed my sister was starting drama again between the two of them. anyways my sister called aunt marry about it when he threaten to beat my sisters *** (knowing full well she's pregnant)... aunt marry tells her something no one seemed to know... Shaun and "baby mama" has 4 kids together... they dropped them off with only a double quarter pounder hamburger from mcdonalds and left all 4 of VERY YOUNG CHILDREN in a parking lot alone and told them to stay there because someone was going to pick them up. Yeah, that's some ****ed up **** about it... Aunt marry only knows because all 4 of the kids said the same story about the burger and leaving them in a parking lot. luckily 3 of the 4 kids are living with someone else. while the oldest one had a baby at 15 years old and dropped out of school and is living with "baby mama" letting her drop out of school, smoke cigarettes, and pawn the responsibility of her baby on other people. that baby spent the weekend with an double ear infection without taking the kid to the er while "baby mama" managed to get her nails done and found ways to get to places just not take the baby to the hospital. ******** i tell you.

Good morning. Adderall was the only chance of waking me up. I was a zombie this morning. Gonna buy an energy drink and then go to class =]

Feeling great today, cough is going away. First day I haven't been hyper aware/anxious about heartbeat and body sensations. I fell back to sleep earlier so I got a couple more hours of sleep thankfully

Also, I have been reading and finally finished a book!

I wouldn't wish hyperawareness of the heart syndrome on anyone!

It's the most horrible existential thing I've had to deal with in my life...

Yeah it's really scary

I am just sick and disgusted by people. I just spent a couple hours at my grams. She was at the counsel on aging so it was just me, my aunt and my uncle.
They have finally decided that gram cannot be alone anymore. She’s confused, forgetful, newly clumsy, and she gets stressed if she doesn’t have someone around. Usually that’s fine. My uncle works at home but in the barn. It’s all hooked up with intercoms and monitors just in case. And my aunt only works a few days a week. But on those occasions when schedules conflict they need some help. That’s fine. I live 2 miles away, talk to gram on the phone a couple times a week, and visit once or twice a week. Apparently my aunt sent out a help plea to the rest of the family just for people to call and go by once in while. ****ing no one responded. Mind you she has 5 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. All living within 10 minutes of her. That was like 2 weeks ago.
Then since no one stepped up they asked her niece if she would pop over on Saturdays to say hi when she wasn’t busy. Her response?...”yeah...for $15 an hour”. . This is the woman who practically raised her.
Im so disgusted. I don’t know how you can treat family like that. Seriously...she’s like the picture perfect grandma. Until she couldn’t anymore for safety reasons she babysat these kids, drove them around, gave them money, baked them after school snacks, and weird fruit and jello molds.
I just don’t get it. Even my 13 yr old steps up and calls her and sends her emails. Ugh. People suck so hard.

Yeah, when my grandmother was sick and living with us and was brain damaged from complications from a surgery my uncle lured her into signing the house over to him so he sold it for 15,000 dollars for drug money. the house was suppose to go to me. but more than likely we were just going to sell it to pay for my grandmothers funeral. my aunt baby sat my sister when my grandmother couldn't stole money from my mom in her bedroom from my grandma's coins she use to collect. eventually everyone besides maybe my uncle jeff (a different uncle not my dad's bff) kinda refused to give my mom and i a break and allow my grandmother and my grandfather stay with them... probably the hardest time of my life. if i wasn't baby sitting my sister i was helping out my grandmother making sure she didn't fall going out to smoke, changing her diapers, making her food, and doing her laundry... i did everything except do her feeding tube at the age of 14 while my mom was at work all day... stepdad slept all day... and grandfather acting a fool and throwing a fit because he needed to do something for her... it went to me for everything. it was hard. everyone disappears and screws you over in your time of need. i have to say my teen years had to be the most emotional time of my life because of my grandmother dying.

Hi everyone. I saw my psychologist. We worked out a solution to a very big problem in my life 2 meetings ago, and so yesterday when I saw him our conversation was pretty bland for once... I might move to California to be closer to my sister though. I don't know when, it's only if I can rent out a room from her. She already knows someone who'd give me a solid job in painting and drywall. I think it's about time to live in a new scene and just start over completely.

HUGS Erti

It's been a crazy busy day. Finally caught up on roll call. It's weird but I'm exhausted. I've been super tired for days. Since I was sick. I'm barely sick now but I'm still exhausted. Like walking through a fog. I have a class to teach tonight so I'm screwed. No going to bed early. I just want to go home and crash. HUGS All, Kit