Roll Call: 146

Bf just told me hes on probation. He didnt tell me hes on deferred probation for the paraphernalia charge he got.

Phew...went well.
I was a nervous wreck but it was good.
Love those girls

That’s unfortunate.
How long is he on?

Pffff "paraphernalia charge"

What is wrong with America? This man is innocent!

Just until he takes a drug education class. Its unsupervised deferred probation.

To be clear, i know he got in trouble. But i guess I misunderstood. I was under the impression that onces he pays the fine, its over with. Apparently, if he just paid the fine it’d still be on his record. So he needs to attend a drug education class to get it expunged for free.

I’m almost done with my Easter baskets. Need something else for my daughter but otherwise they are done.
The kids baskets are trash baskets for their room. The basket one is for my sons gf.

Youre so sweet valley!

So I had a nice couple hours.
Most I’ve spent with my youngest niece in years. It literally breaks my heart that I wasn’t mentally capable of taking her when **** went south with her mother. I ache for the relationship we should have. I think at this point it would just be too much upheaval. The people that have custody of her love her like their own. She’s lived there since she was 2 or 3. She’s unhappy there because they are old school older people...60s. And they try to keep her away from her brothers and sister. Part of me doesn’t blame them for wanting to shelter her from what their lives are like but the other parts just thinks...they are siblings for Christ’s sake. They need each other...no dads...whatever you want to call their mother. They need something ya know.
As it is we barely know each other. The kids don’t really feel comfortable around her.
Totally sucks to have such a dysfunctional family.
Just makes me hate their mother even more.
Sad

Retail therapy.
Got this

And these...I don’t know if the colors will match but I REALLY want the shoes and saying I have to have them for the wedding will work If they don’t match I’ll look for different ones

Why am I so lonely.. I miss happiness..

Why can't I just do the right things.. I have to wonder through the abyss to find content.. this ****ing antipsychotic could be making me numb.. all the colours turn black and grey in my mind.. black and white dreams.. I am still childlike after tripping.. world unknown to me.. hopefully one day I'll grow up.. be more responsible.. suicidal thoughts happen sometimes.. the future is going to be a mess.. heroin addiction.. no jk but idk.. I am lost.. I said to myself in the past, "I don't need to find me. I know who I am" but all that has happened, I don't know.. I was manipulated.. in the middle of no where.. people didn't seem like they were for me.. If only I knew what I know now.. I could see much more and gain perspective.. But the way I grow is so slow.. the soldiers said they don't hate me as a person but what product of society I have become.. like they are better than me.. they're not.. we're all the same.. possessed by demons that we have to tame..

The spirits will guide us through hard times. But they are dead. I seek what I don't know.. I like to keep my options open.. but for how long? When can I allow myself to feel happily trapped? Psychosis.. panic.. depression.. dying.. we're all dying and find ways to distract ourselves to see the light.. but we all know darkness follows behind us.. our shadows..

Lol my cat can't have anymore catnip... She gets hyper and meows like crazy and rolls around..

Finally got some rest, was able to sleep straight through the night!

one of my cats acts like a mean drunk when I put catnip out for them, she loves it and rolls around like crazy but she gets really pissed if I try to pet her

Have a horrible headache

Im so sorry! I deal with 3 day migraines so i know how it is!

My boss has been emailing me since 8:30 this morning. About one of my hell buys. My assistant f’d up an order pretty good. Like $200 worth. Thank god I trained her to always initial her order submissions because I couldn’t remember which one of us processed it. Phew...not me. Sucks for her though. I’m a little nervous that this might be the “straw” . She’s kind of been slacking and paying attention to detail. I get it. She has TWIN 3 yr old boys hanging off of her while she’s working. On the other hand though...the boss can’t really afford relatively frequent screw ups totaling hundreds of dollars.
Going to ignore my email for the rest of the weekend. I don’t want to think about it.

Welp insight hit me like a ton of bricks.....I’ve been in psychosis it would seem. Especially considering my ward pdoc and my therapist both said it. Scares the crap out of me when I have these episodes....I hope that there isn’t a rebound. I see the ward pdoc Tuesday, so hopefully we can tweak some meds.

Glad you’re coming out of it.....

Super high!!!
And not from drugs
I’ve been shopping
I have a simmering under the surface shopping addiction.
But what really floats my boat is getting DEALS while I shop!
I need shoes...just casual flat but not sneaker shoes. Famous Footwear is B1G1 50% off and they carry Sperry which I love. Kids need shoes too of course. So I got 2 pairs of Sperrys for me, a pair of Vans and a pair of sandals for my daughter, and 2 pairs of Vans for my son.
I had rewards points for $10 off
I got a coupon code for $15 off
Plus they are always free shipping
And 2% cash back on Ebates
6 pairs of shoes for $205 shipped and $4.10 back in Ebates.
Now I’m broke...mind you the money hasn’t even been deposited yet
Oh I’m not floating my bank acct...I used the family fund. I’ll replace when my money comes in.

Im starting to get pi$$ed off.

This person i sold my phone to harassed me to ship it. Now ive been asking them to give me a rating so the funds will be released on the app but they are giving me a hard time. Now they are asking me if the phone even charges.

Ima be so pissed if they send it back. AINT NOTHING WRONG WITH THE PHONE PLUS THEY LOWBALLED ME.

This is why i hate these stupid as-s apps

Last night I couldn't sleep because of the alcohol. My heart was 85bpm and I don't like it that high when I'm trying to sleep so I took benzo.

Even on Vyvanse in the day my heart rate is 74bpm..

So I guess I just can't drink alcohol. Only for fun then I have to take a beta blocker or something..

There's going to be a party here and I have to stay in my room and finish my essays..

Waiting for my dinner.
Got my daughter the hoodie she wanted. Now I’m done w/Easter. Just have to hide everything.
I’m exhausted today. Been thinking of a nap all day but it didn’t happen. All this rain and dreariness...bring on the flowers .