Roll Call 153

That's really sweet

I wish I did more for my mom and spent more time with her before she passed. But the onset was so sudden then 9 months later she was gone. I regret not spending a lot of quality time with her even though we lived together. . I was struggling with psychosis and at some times was kind of self absorbed so I bought her tons of gifts to try to make up for it which I found I should have been spending more quality time with her. But what you're doing is great, it's personalized and means a lot more

Yes I’m really thankful that my mom has had time, and yet it’s never enough, it’s been over a year but I’ll never be ready for her to go.

I really need to talk to someone.

I shadowed a case manager today. We had to goto an event place with the clients. She drove the last vehicle to depart, with me as a passenger and one client in the back. We avoided traffic by taking the back highways. She was going 90 probably with both hands on her phone and knees driving the steering wheel. We kept going over the bumps on the side that are meant to keep u awake if u fall asleep. In and out of lanes with no blinkers used, many times going out of our lane. At one point we weren't even in a lane, we were going down the middle of the two way road. Which had curves... at high speed.

...I was absolutely terrified beyond belief...BEYOND BELIEF. I texted my fiance at one point and told him I might just get into an accident today.

And then when I asked her for suggestions about where to buy cheap furniture in the area, she straight up told me I shouldn't buy on facebook marketplace or thrift stores because she said that since she has had this job she wont buy anything used anymore. She told me how clients come in and are covered in bugs, with bugs falling off them, etc dirty/bad hygiene. And she said this in front of a client...

I'm literally slowly seeing how the people work here think. And I think back to me being a client and that couldve easily have been me that was talked about. I actually think it was many times, especially at my worst, to be honest...

I mean most everyone if not everyone that works there comes the education-side of things. Like saying how they learned about mental illness in a textbook sense/in college. I swear To u all, I have GOT to be the only person there that has been as fckd up as I was, in the past, and working here...

I'm crying a little bit. It's just, I cant believe it. Like what I heard today.

That is upsetting... Driving like that with a client in the car and talking like that in front of a client... I would hope she is the only one that is that bad. I'm sorry you had to deal with that today. Do you have tomorrow off?

Paradise in your eyes green like american money

Idk if I should hate myself or not

Nah.. I should love myself..

I've lost 5lbs

Way to go!

That's great!

I got The happiness Paradox by Richard Eyre, some manga, and an audiobook at the library

Saw a bluejay today

Yes I am off today. Thank god.

Going for a hike

My boss said I will have to continue shadowing that case manager. I just said ok. She says I dont have be shadowing for long tho since certification training is next week.

thoughts are disordered today, and im a bit paranoid. Therapist said to text him if my paranoia gets bad but im afraid the phone lines are tapped

My mom had me do all these labs with my bro in laws clinic. Labs I can only do once a year with Medicare. And S. (bro in law) prescribed me meds from a clinic in houston that sells like all natural compound medicine whatever. And I told my mom they called me and she said she would help me pay for them. But just now she was telling me "call them and ask them how much it is" blah blah blah I called them. She was wanting me to call them again for multiple things. This happens all the time where I'm basically playing the middle man because she doesnt want to call people. And then I got upset about that. And she brought up how I shouldn't be giving my work paychecks to my fiance. Yet...its my money I earned. I'm trying so hard to be independent and she keeps doing and saying ****. Trying to control my life.

I have an appointment next week at my college to get things straightened out so I can get back into classes for next semester. My case manager will be coming with me

I hope your appointment at the college goes well @Blue_Bird!!

Went to the grocery today and picked up salads and milk....the salads are not filling for some reason....I think it’s low carbs but my stomach was growling even after eating a full bag of salad. I’m really tempted to go pick up ice cream at the local parlor but hopefully will not cave in.

Salad tends to give me some diarrhea even though I really enjoy eating it. I don't find salad filling either unless it has chicken or something with it. I forget SP, are you vegan or vegetarian? If so you might not eat the chicken with the salad. I had chicken soup last night but I was still hungry so I had a piece of bread and that filled me up. I just can't do low carb. I'm trying to lose weight, but I like bread too much.

I've been really tempted to go get ice cream as well

I have ice cream once a week, on Sundays. It's like a tradition, and a treat. I don't overdo it that way, but I'm not totally denying myself something that I like. I try to eat smaller portions on Sunday to make up for the ice cream.