Roll Call 160!

The images give a nice sleek appeal, and thoughtful. I like how you have a tab for "books" because I need to do that myself. I can't just keep creating tabs for each story. Also, tags and categories are super well thought out. I like your new blog name too. Nice job

Oh awesome!!! Thanks!

I usually fall asleep around 10:30. I plan my days obsessively beforehand, weeks in advance and go over what I’m doing for the particular week in my head every day, multiple times a day. It comforts me for some reason

My therapist has mentioned ocd in the past. It’s not interfering with my life too much though so I don’t worry about it

I keep forgetting there’s vending machines here

The only real medications for OCD are SSRI's and TCA's, both of which can cause mania. So you may be able to do therapy to help treat it, but medication might not be an option.

I actually do take an SSRI, Paxil , but it hasn’t caused mania thankfully since I’m on two antipsychotics and a mood stabilizer , like I said though it doesn’t interfere with my life much right now so I’m not too worried about it, and if it becomes more of an issue I can always discuss it with my doctor and therapist.

I’m craving ice cream like crazy. Banana splits are on sale for $3.99 till the end of the week ......

Awesome I would totally get one!

Yeah I might.. lol I have the money ..

They also have brownie sundaes on sale for the same price

Team banana split here

I guess I am finding my niche now with everything. I’ve been in this town for a year and a half I’m accomplishing more here in that time period that I have ever in my life where ever else I lived. Idk how this became what it is or how it was possible.

I think I’ll go tomorrow for a reward after I get my physical

I’m just sitting here waiting for Animal Crossing and Minekos Night Market.

I can't hold this weight that's on my shoulders. I can't keep going on. I'm holding on to life but all the crap is wearing me down.

I think I'm burning out.

I'm gonna cold turkey xanax 0.5mg a night, take 1g phenibut tomorrow. I'll take 50mg Seroquel tonight - Maybe the palpitations were all in my head.

More suffering. I'm becoming a zombie. I just want a simple life now. Yet I don't want a relationship. I just want to be great, travel, have a fun life. The soldiers and crypto investor guy didn't give me support - They put me down. I don't know how putting me down fixes me. I keep thinking about what they said all the time and can't get it out of my head.. About my anhedonia, everything.

That's why I never talked to anyone when I was a teenager. I was afraid of getting hurt.

I remember people in the psych ward would say sorry when they told me to do things.. And I did them.. They said "Sorry don't mean to boss you around". I didn't get what they meant - Now I realize that doing tasks for people is my automatic reaction because my ex step dad bossed me around all day every day.

I can't believe how horribly I was manipulated.. By everyone.. I'm really damaged. Psychedelics just make me realize that this is all a sick twisted dream.. To look on the bright side but when I feel happy, it feels fake. My mind is too open - Things are really really bad. And I didn't become a stronger person with all this horrible stuff that happened to me? I should have become a stronger person by now - But I feel weak and paralysed.

I've continued to put immense pressure on myself since two nights ago when I said that I shouldn't - It's the only way for me to be. It's not like I can get a girlfriend or boyfriend and get admiration from people like some grand theft auto or sims game. "Oh you're getting married how wonderful". Even though I would treat someone better than most, I have no desire. I rarely get excited about things like food (Dessert for example).. It feels fake.. I don't like impressing people.. It just feels fake.. I don't like expecting things or surprises because I can predict everything. Everyone I know is predictable. Nothing shocks me -

I wrote a blog post of a brief movie review on my blog. God that movie was on point. It disturbed me because it was so spot on.

Going to read it tomorrow after work!

Listening to sad songs and I cry don't mind me

#INFP

Had some sort of breakdown..

But I'll continue living.. I suppose =P

My abusers are at it again. Hopefully I won't break down myself. Jeeze, it's been over decade of this!

Tried to go to sleep so I took a Seroquel and then I felt "heart palpitations".. I told my mom and she got me to use her Apple Watch.. She said my heart seemed not normal so my sister brought me to the ER...

I told the ER nurse everything and was really anxious.. I brought my meds for him to look at.. He took my blood pressure and did an ECG.. He said it looked normal..

I felt sleepy from 12am-1am as my sister and I were waiting for the doctor.. He came in and told me that my ECG looks completely normal.. My sister showed him the 2-lead ECG from the Apple Watch and he said that looked normal as well.. (My mom thought it looked different to hers so it must be abnormal).

So I came home and went to sleep..

This always happens man.. I have the world's worst heart OCD.. And there's nothing even wrong with my heart.. It's the main reason as to why I was so upset last night...

Same here.

HUGS @Desoxyn

My stupid stitches are so itchy and I don't get them out until Monday. I keep them covered with gauze and then only tape the top and the bottom so that air can still circulate. That's what they did at the psych hospital. In the morning and at night I put lotion on them, but they are driving me crazy. I keep trying to scratch them through the gauze. It's such a terrible itchy feeling. I hate it.